Have you SEEN me?

Formerly Not So Much. . .the daily musings of a 26-year-old PYT whose self-love is superceded only by her obnoxiously endearing ability to remind you at all times just how fabulous she is. Guys too stupid to realize how lucky they are to be graced with her presence? Woman with 4-pack abs climbs onto the elliptical trainer next to her? Arrives at Chick-Fil-A at 10:37, only to learn she has missed her opportunity for a chicken biscuit? She throws all these setbacks off with disdain. . .after all, have you SEEN her??

Friday, May 28, 2004

Advice Needed: The Ex

Ok, so I have a problem. I need resolution. I need advice, from whomever that advice may come. Brian. The ex. The guy I dated for 2 years, and to be fair, I broke up with him, not the other way round. But the reason I broke up with him is because a) he moved to Jacksonville, and it was too just far for his meager little brain to be able to treat me well from afar, he had a hard enough time doing it from up close. Ok, there's no b). Really, it's just a). He moved, and I wanted to be able to enjoy my new home here in Savannah and not be running back and forth for something I wasn't sure was working, and for him to be able to enjoy Jacksonville. I thought, if it's meant to be, in time, it will work itself out. Well, it didn't. It hasn't. And although I don't love him anymore, I'm still a little hurt by the fact that he let me go so easily, that he didn't fight for me, that he didn't do WHATEVER it took to make sure I was happy, that he didn't go above and beyond what was required of him before, to compensate for living in another city. He was lazy. And that makes me feel like I wasn't loved very much.

So, lately, I've been thinking about it. I haven't seen him in a couple months. He stayed at my house recently (when I was out of town) and he never called to say thanks, and that was 6 weeks ago. It hacked me off, I thought it was rude. I just sat on the fact that he didn't call me for a while, and didn't really think about it until holy Lord, it's been 6 weeks and he hasn't called, what an ass (I counted it on my calendar, I didn't just KNOW it had been 6 weeks). I thought it was inconsiderate, the same quality that permeated much of our relationship. Just Brian just thinking about Brian. And yeah, this is ABOUT the time that I thought he would realize in a panic what a mistake he made, and the fact that he could go so long without talking to me, yeah it hurt me. I don't love him anymore, but I still want him to feel regret for letting me go. It hurts that he didn't love me enough to make it work, and I want him to feel that because I've had to feel it.

I would never go back to him. I think he's a good guy generally, but not for me. So I emailed him yesterday and said, "You know I thought I might hear from you after I graciously let you stay in my home. Why haven't I?" He emails me back today, believe it or not, I was going to call you today! Do you want to go to dinner tonight? He's going to a bachelor party in Hilton Head, and it's on the way.

So, do I go? I sort of want to see how he's doing, but I sort of hate his ass. I don't hate his ass, he just hurt me. I sort of want to say, "You know, I'm not in love with you anymore, but part of that's because you sucked and you hurt me." I think I will need to say that and have this conversation with him at some point, just not sure I want to do it today. Also, it's last minute. I would never let a new guy do that, and I feel like I shouldn't make an exception for Brian today, especially given his tendency to be lazy. You know, I think I've answered my own question, but please sound off anyway. I can tell him I have plans tonight and that maybe he can take me to dinner on his way back from Hilton Head. (I do actually have plans tonight, to see Keith, but they are not set in stone and they were probably going to be later, I was thinking I could maybe do an early dinner with Brian.) Yeah, I think I call Brian and tell him I have a date, sorry, can we try Monday?

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