On Flowers

I never get flowers. My first "real" boyfriend gave them to me three times the first month we dated, and pretty much, never again (2.5 years). My second "real" boyfriend gave them to me once in the first couple months, then never again for like a year, then once a few weeks before we broke up, cause he was trying to "fix" the rift in romance that was our demise. My last boyfriend gave them to me ONE time. After a year of dating. On Valentine's Day. And we dated for almost ANOTHER year after that. The thing that makes the last guy so painful was that I mentioned to him in the beginning things like that were important to me, I liked to be courted (especially cause we got started in a very non-courting fashion), and made some suggestions about types of flowers I liked. I didn't go about it in the best way, I'll admit, I was probably bossy about it. . .but I didn't think I deserved to be "punished" for a year for telling someone what I liked, wanted, and desired. And punished I was.

I think about those damn tulips, and I think about how happy just that little, stupid thing made me. And I wonder if it's really so hard, am I really that mean or unpleasant of a person that guys who say they love me don't want to do little, stupid things to make me happy. I'm SO PLEASANT when I'm happy, I would turn the world upside down for someone who would do those things for me. . .but instead, I usually wind up mistaking who's really good for me and turning the world upside down for a total emotional fuckwit. Who can't figure out that a love note or a daisy would get him so much farther than all the birthday gifts and movies and dinners combined he's bought me.

Flowers, and what they represent to me, are a mean, sore place in my heart. They really upset me. Not when someone else gets them, that's not what I mean. I mean, the absence of them and the absence of dating men who give a shit and the absence of men I date knowing what I need and want. And the "punishment" I associate with them. Because the ex punished me. . .because I asked for something. His point was, "well it doesn't mean as much if you have to ask," which is true. . .(and which was the point he made EVERY TIME I expressed my needs to him). . .but having to ask to receive sure beats not getting the emotional fulfillment you need AT ALL. So flowers, to me, represent an unfulfilled emotional need that you made known and that continued to get ignored until the person had waited long enough he could "come up" with it himself. Until he waited so long that you had a dull, sore ache in your heart because you realize the man you love takes spiteful glee in doing as little as possible to maintain your relationship. Until you leave.

It makes me want to NEVER tell a man what I need again. I can tell you what I DON'T NEED. You.

I only want to be with someone who can figure it out.