Emotionally Exhausted

I forgive you for not knowing how to be alone. I forgive you for settling for less than you deserve. I forgive you for acting immature and dramatic because you think the alternative is too vile, although it's not. I pray that you come to realize that the person you are, alone, on your own, would be one that the "right" guy would be attracted to. . .without you shedding tears over it or putting up with BS in the meantime.

I forgive you for being a different person when you're not with me. I forgive you for inciting my own doubts and insecurities, when I strive to assuage yours. I forgive you for putting your feelings in standby until the next time you see me. I forgive you for not knowing how to put me at ease and being disinclined to, when you're in "preservation mode." I forgive you for contributing to my physical and emotional exhaustion. I forgive you for not knowing how to, or not wanting to, tell me what kind of potential you think this has or clarify your devotion. I forgive you for having doubts. I forgive you for being afraid. I wish you could feel how poignantly I feel for you and know how deeply your insecurities, doubts, and defenses cut into me.

I forgive you for leaving. I know now that's how it had to happen. I forgive you for the terror I now feel when I love someone more than I loved you. The terror that he'll leave. . .for seemingly no reason.

I forgive you for being a total ass. I forgive you for not loving me all that much. I forgive you for staying around out of comfort. I'm glad we freed each other and went on with our separate lives, and I wish you the best. I'm sorry I betrayed you, even though you may not know it.

I forgive you for not totally knowing how to be happy for me. I forgive you for projecting your own uncertainty and cynicism about your life onto mine. I know that I'm better with empathy, and because of that, I forgive you for not knowing how to mirror the happiness I conveyed to you when the shoe was on the other foot, not too long ago. (It still hurts though.)

I forgive you all for being slime. I forgive myself for not knowing any better. I pray that I have the good sense to stay away from guys like you in the future, whenever I may again find myself single and lonely.

I forgive you, particulary, for unabashedly sharing your gross predilections with your friends. I'm not particularly embarrassed, but your creepiness oozes off onto me via them when I come into contact with them. I forgive you for trying to exacerbate my shame because I turned you down.

I ask forgiveness for doing shitty things that I often regret. I ask forgiveness for beating a dead horse. I ask forgiveness for wanting to get to the bottom of all problems and tackle them immediately. I ask forgiveness for loving so much it hurts, even though I know it's hurt before and could easily again. I ask forgiveness for getting so involved, so fast, so completely. I pray that it turns out alright this time, cause this time, I think, it's for real. I pray that you guide me down the path that I'm supposed to take and that I don't exit this situation more jaded than before. I ask you to infuse me with faith and to take my fear away. I ask you to help me walk the very fine line between faith and optimism in something good and human arrogance and pride. I ask you to help me remember that it's a blessing, for which I did nothing and which was bestowed on me purely out of your grace and mercy. I pray that he accepts it as that too, not as a landmine primed to explode.