The Only One

So, I never told you what TJ had gone into the cave about the other day. When he FINALLY called me, at 2 AM after being out with his friends, mind you, I spent two hours trying to get to the bottom of what the problem was, why he had avoided me all day, why he'd sent me an email telling me that he didn't think that, to me, there was anything "overtly special" about him. Are you kidding me? I am completely and utterly in love with you, I wanted to say. But you can't say THAT. Yet.

Basically, TJ was upset that I've had serious boyfriends, with whom I considered marriage before. It's a long story specifically, and he's generally not an insecure guy, but he's generally not as invested in the women he dates either. He wants to be "the only one." My heart is bursting out of my chest to tell him he's the only one. Oh, my, is he SO the only one. Instead, I explained to him that my female role models were women who got married young, often to the only man they'd ever dated seriously, or after only dating a couple people (my sister is married to the only man she ever dated, for about 18 years now). I also explained that it is a woman's prerogative and genetic coding to consider marriage, often with men we'd NEVER really marry. Did I consider marrying every man I've dated seriously? Of course! Why would I continue dating him if I didn't think it had that potential? Did I exit 2/3 of those relationships once I realized it didn't have that potential? Yes. *I* ended it (in 2 out of 3 relationships). I ended it before it EVER EVEN GOT CLOSE. TJ miserably said, "But you would've said yes to three other guys." I said, "No, I thought it would eventually come to that. I was never READY for that. So, no, if I had been asked, before I was ready, I WOULDNT'VE said yes to any of these guys. I was NEVER even close to ready." I am the one who ended the relationship before it got to that point. . .precisely because that's what I DIDN'T want. (Not to mention the fact that with my last boyfriend, I moved to the city I live in, on my own, with MY job, when he didn't have one, bought my own house, on my own. . .if that doesn't scream independence and unwillingness to commit, geez, what does? Marriage wasn't looming on my horizon, peeps.) After a long conversation, I finally assuaged his fears. (And by the by, this is a conversation I thought I'd be having about the number of men I'd SLEPT with, not about the number of men I thought about MARRYING, legitimately.)

Then, promptly, the next day, when he was sober and felt better, I made him completely aware how COMPLETELY UNFAIR it was to use past relationships against me. I asked him would it be fair to be nervous about his past, not because he'd been close to marriage, but because he dated a girl for 5 years he had NO intention of marrying? I mean, if that gives a girl cause to be nervous?! I said, "Have I asked you if you're going to waste my 20s like you wasted hers? No, cause THAT'S not FAIR." He said that he thought it probably WAS fair, but I was right, he had no right to use my past relationships against me. He said, "I'm sorry. It's done. I promise. I'm satisfied. It's done."

I want to tell him really badly that I love him. But I can't. I can't for a number of reasons.

A) He's only said that to two women, and he said in retrospect, he doesn't think he meant it one of the times. I DO think he loves me. I DO think he thinks I'm "the only one." I DON'T know if he would say it back. . .immediately. . .cause I DON'T know if he's ready to. I DON'T know if I'm ready to, frankly. But I want to. I want to put all his fears to rest. But I don't know if saying it would put his fears to rest.

B) I know that countless women have professed their love to him. I don't want him to think I'm one of the giggleheaded young women who have thrown themselves at him before. I'm NOT. I'm strong and independent and I WANT him in my life because we'd make excellent partners. . .I'm not one of these girls who has decided he'd be a good "catch" and is attracted to him and his qualities on a superficial level. I'm DIFFERENT. I KNOW my heart. And I'm afraid that he doesn't think I do. I do feel like I have to prove something. . .that I'm different. And I'm afraid if I go blurting out the "L" word, I'll seem all too much like the many stupid young women who came before. . .I want him to take me seriously. . .

C) It'd be a big deal if he said it first. Considering his limited history with it. I could be waiting for a while though. And alcohol will probably intervene.

In fact, I almost said it the other night. Well, I don't know how close I REALLY came. But I kept giggling, saying I had to tell him something, and then wouldn't. I must've said it 15 times, according to his estimates. And I'm pretty sure he knows what I wouldn't say. Like, I'm 99% sure. He told me that I couldn't get mad at him for NOT responding to something that I DIDN'T say. He kept kidding me about it the next day. I told him to drop it, I was embarrassed enough as it was, and if he EVER wanted me to say it, he better shut his mouth. He got the point.

I told him I was afraid of being like every other girl, and that based on the conversation we'd had last week, I was afraid that he doubted my sincerity. I feel like if I do things a little different, perhaps he will see me differently. He told me that I WAS completely different, it wasn't even a question, and at the very least, even if all those other girls were crazy about him, I was different because of the way *he* felt about *me*, that his feelings were "commensurate" with mine.

Oh, the perils of two young people with extensive vocabularies in love.

Well, this is all SERIOUS stuff. I am a little conflicted about how to approach making my feelings known. The weekend was amazing, though. Always is. We can have the best time just doing NOTHING. We did go out one night. We stayed in two nights. I cooked dinner one night. We cooked it together last night. He spent quality time with his "other girl," my dog. She loves him and wants him to be her new daddy. It was just perfect. All the time we spent together is perfect and wonderful, even when we have little tiffs or serious conversations. It's still just great, and we work through it and come to understand each other better.

One thing did happen that I think might've made clear to him what I feel for him. And this happened BEFORE he told me his feelings were "commensurate" with mine. We have this thing where, if you don't abuse it, you can jump in and ask, at any time, what are you thinking? He did it to me yesterday, in a vulnerable, endorphine-influenced moment. I said, "Remember you said you haven't felt this way in 12 years? I was thinking that I've NEVER felt this way."

I hope it's the answer he wanted.