Have you SEEN me?

Formerly Not So Much. . .the daily musings of a 26-year-old PYT whose self-love is superceded only by her obnoxiously endearing ability to remind you at all times just how fabulous she is. Guys too stupid to realize how lucky they are to be graced with her presence? Woman with 4-pack abs climbs onto the elliptical trainer next to her? Arrives at Chick-Fil-A at 10:37, only to learn she has missed her opportunity for a chicken biscuit? She throws all these setbacks off with disdain. . .after all, have you SEEN her??

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

I Don't Like It One Bit

TJ does this thing where he gets all withdrawn, sullen, and reserved. He's done it a few times. . .he did it when he had this big laborious secret weighing him down, that he knew he had to reveal to me. He did it last week when he was secretly a little pissed off that I doubted what time he'd be at the party. He talks to me on the phone. . .sort of. . .during these times, but it's sort of like pulling teeth, I have to drive the whole conversation and he doesn't volunteer a lot. He told me a couple days ago, "but even THAT'S big for me, usually, if I get pissed off at my girlfriend, I just ignore her calls and don't talk to her until I feel like it."

Well, he's doing it. I knew he was going to. After our four hour heart-to-heart last night, he even joked that he was going to do some "post-conversation analysis," to which I said, "oh geez, that means you're going to be all weird tomorrow." He's afraid that he's said too much or revealed too much, admittedly something that he's a) not used to, and b) not too terribly comfortable with. I know that he's not used to the way the walls come down with me. . .but damn, I shouldn't have to spend one day a week being shut out and wondering what the hell is going through that head of his. I told him, every time you do it, it makes me feel like you're re-evaluating your feelings for me. "Well, that's kind of irrational, isn't it?" he said. Hello? FEELINGS not always RATIONAL. Duh.

So today, it's short, terse emails. That I started. And that's he's responding to, but barely. Not the long, loving "Good Morning Beautiful" email I got yesterday. I know I'm being stupid. I know I can't get those every day. I know I'm being paranoid. Just tell me I'm being stupid. I know that he's just going to have these days and I should just get used to it. I just hate being shut out every time he feels like he's gone "too far." My inclination is just to sigh and say, "it's THAT day of the week, just give him space and ignore him til he seems happy to talk to you again." But I can't help but push and want to get in. I just emailed him, "Is there anything I can do or just back off?" We'll see what he says. Maybe he won't respond. Sigh.

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