Message to All Friends, and One in Particular

Since my last "update on my life" post, TJ and I have had a couple tiffs, one actually the day I posted that. One of the fights was via telephone as we were both headed to my parent's house. It was stupid, but basically, he was going to get there before I was, and my parents and my brother and his partner were already there. I tried NOT to care that he was going to get to be there and meet everyone and be laughing and carrying on already by the time I arrived, but it started to bug me. Childishly, I didn't want to miss any fun, and I knew my family would love TJ and get along with him so well, and I didn't want to miss those moments. I DIDN'T say anything because I DID think it was silly. Then, TJ, not knowing that it was bugging me, starts teasing me about it, "Oh, widdle Miss Have You can't stand it," etc. etc. Well, I couldn't, and I didn't, and the teasing got to be too much after TJ called my mother and then told her of something she could do to enhance the yuk-yuk funny joke that I didn't think was so funny. I got angry. He exploded because he didn't know it bothered me (cause I was trying to be mature about it). It took us a cooling off period of 30 minutes or so, but he finally did go over to the house before me, which of course, I wanted him to do at that point (and at all points, actually). I can handle teasing to a point, but I was a little jealous, I guess, for lack of a better word, that my family would get to meet TJ and me not even be there to share that, and I would think it was a little obvious that might be a sore point. That's the Reader's Digest Condensed version.

At my parent's, he was charming and brought gifts for both Mom and my stepdad and everyone loved him, and we just had the best time and he bonded the most with my brother's partner over computer stuff. Everyone loved him, and we had a great time. We went to a corn maze and he would separate from us and hide in the stalks and try and jump out and scare us, not to mention his "cockroach in the ear" sound effects that he makes with his fingers and you feel like a flying cockroach is flying past your ear. It still gets me sometimes, even though I'm used to it, but he got everyone in the cornmaze too, while I held back and giggled.

Last week, he said something offhand that was hurtful. I quickly got off the phone. Even though I didn't think the comment was objectively all that hurtful, and could easily be chalked up to exhaustion, it was late, or unintentional, etc. he called me the next day and said, "I know I hurt your feelings last night and I just want to apologize, I didn't mean it that way" and then we proceeded to talk about it. He realized he'd hurt my feelings on his own, which I thought was HUGE, as many tiffs as we have about him not understanding "why" I'm upset.

Last weekend, he came to visit and meet my best friend from college. She liked him a lot. He went out with me and my girlfriends and just is the BEST in social situations and we went to a cheesy dance club and he danced with me and my girlfriends and just got silly with us and it was really fun. Sunday, we did NOTHING but lay around the house and he fixed my DVD player to work with the TV in my room. He also played with Sadie a lot and confessed that he thinks she "hearts" him.

Last night, for the first time in a long time, we talked for an hour and a half about substantive STUFF, not us, or our relationship, but STUFF. He told me all about his younger sister, who is a lesbian, who can't come out to his intensely Catholic parents or they would disown her. She's very depressed, and he and his other sister had been talking about it, and she was concerned about how to tell her children, who are very close to the age I was when I learned of my brothers. I was able to give him the sound advice that kids believe what the people they look up to tell them, and it wouldn't take too much for his sister to say "Aunt is different, but that's just how some people are, and it's not wrong, and we still love her very much," and have those kids accept and believe that. It was an area of expertise where I felt he really deferred to and respected my advice.

This weekend, we're going to Atlanta and Athens to see the game and go visit with my other very close friends. We're going to have a fantastic time, as we always do.

I've said all that to say this: despite what I may have led people to believe, on this blog or otherwise, my relationship with TJ is not Two Dimensional. It's very rich and while I may feel the need to blog or vent about things that go wrong, there are still so very many things that go right. I wanted to give a more complete picture, and to let everyone know that I haven't been blogging about it because I didn't feel like at the time of the "fight" I could give a very accurate picture, when I was down or upset, and I didn't want blogging judgment to befall my already depressed psyche at those moments. Overall, I can give a much more accurate picture, and that's what I feel like doing right now. I realize that TJ and I still have problems and may not last forever (although I hope we do!) but I am going to give this relationship my 100% all and be the best person I can be. That person is not always happy and easy and reflective of sunshine and roses. She's going to hit bumps and her relationship is going to hit bumps, but I'm one of those people who really think that raw feelings, good and bad, are the stuff life is made of, and I wouldn't anesthesize myself if I could (think Brave New World).

I'm in a happy place, good times and bad, for right or wrong, even when TJ and I fight.

I've been trying to explain the thoughts in this post to a very dear friend. I've done a poor job apparently and she's not understanding me and I really must've hurt her feelings to have provoked the email response I got from her yesterday.

Friend: I love you, and I value your opinion and advice so much, and have for many years. I love TJ and I'm not even close to thinking this relationship is worth giving up on, quite the contrary. I know you don't think that either, you just have concerns; I know you've only given me what I've asked for, and I didn't think my candid instructions to now cease and desist would come off as badly as they did (I tried very hard to keep that from happening, in fact). Please forgive any awkward idiocy on my part and I promise to be more careful about soliciting your opinion and try to never make you feel like I'm throwing it back in your face. I made a mistake, but I didn't know how else to tell you. I don't know what I'd do without you, Friend, but right now, I just need you to be silent and listen and HEAR and see and MEET HIM, and you'll like him, and you'll probably still have doubts, but that's ok, and I will try to be as receptive as I can, but I really need you to try to be as tactful as you can.

I won't ask you to make any more comparisons, this is just about me and him, and more importantly, it's about YOU and ME. I need you to TRUST me and know what a sensible emotional being I am, and know that I am making the decisions that are RIGHT for ME. I want you to BELIEVE IN ME so much!! That's why I get upset, silly. I hope you can understand and respect and defer to my judgments (and I know you do, sort of, but sometimes, your advice doesn't make it seem like it). But I need to feel like you believe in me right now, and that means pulling back on the instruction a bit. But I will ALWAYS need you, if I fall on my face with this OR IF I DON'T, so if that concerns you, DON'T LET IT. Please don't be upset with me. LOVE, Me.