I Shouldn't Be Blogging

Not even sure I want to be. I'm thinking of stopping. But I have some thoughts in my head now.

I'm in love with TJ. Heavily. Like, more than anyone before. I wasn't looking for it, and I was happy alone, but now that I've met him, I want to be happy WITH him. He makes this difficult sometimes. He can be a real pain in the ass. So can I. But I acknowledge and try to change bothersome things about myself. And I'm open and communicate in a mature way when things bother me. He, instead, turns into a withdrawn SOB when he's got something on his mind. He says that he doesn't tell me because it doesn't "bother" him, he just thinks about it. Thinks about things about me that bother him, and weighs them against the good things. He said that's just the way he does things, and isn't that what dating is all about? Trying to find out if the person is compatible with you and whether you can tolerate their flaws?

Here's what bugs/terrifies me: Yes, that is what casual dating is about. I'm WAY BEYOND casual. I'm WAY BEYOND casual mostly as a result of the way he's treated the relationship. He's been a zoom-zoom fast track serious dater guy since the beginning, and I sort of feel like, "You know, I didn't ASK to be in this capital-R relationship with you, and it's not fair to be proclaiming that you think I'm the last woman you want and expect to be with, one day (yes, he really said that LAST WEEK), and a few days to say that you've been doing some thinking about whether you can tolerate certain qualities I have."

I told him, I can't do this back and forth back and forth bullshit. Decide you have serious feelings for me and you're going to work at this relationship or GET OUT. You can't jerk my heart around like this. That's really something that I'm very uncomfortable with. And I'm not saying that people aren't allowed to date and try people out and figure out whether they're good or right together. . .but I do think that it's irresponsible to say and do some of things he's done with me if he really has sincere second thoughts at other moments. Do me a favor and withhold the irresponsibly amorous declarations until you're ready to be serious about this. I don't want to feel like I'm going to have the rug jerked out from under me any moment by the man who holding my heart in his hand as a result of his own hyper-serious treatment of the relationship. That's not fair.

Do I think he's in love with me? YES. Do I think that he might talk himself out of a relationship with me at some point over some bullshit thing? YES. Do I think he would try to work things out with me or make me aware before he did that? I don't know. I do a pretty good job of making him talk about the things that bother him, and after a good long time of chipping away at him, he does finally act receptive and we're able to work things out without me feeling like he's resentful or mad about the stuff after the fact. But it takes serious time and emotional effort. Maybe *I* DON'T want that.

Maybe I'm exagerating. Things are fine now. He did take me to meet his parents this weekend. They're really nice people and I got the impression they liked me. I know that's a big deal to him, and he basically made a special trip to do so. But somehow, I don't feel the weight of the great, nice things I do, like let his friends shack up at my house because of the hurricane, as much as I feel the weight of the annoying or obnoxious things I do when I "screw up." I'm not sure if that's my own insecurity or if he's really doing things to make me feel that way.

Frankly, I think it boils down to this: he's insecure, and spent so much time being terrified of the many ways in which I could break his heart, that now, he subconsciously pushes me away and drives me out while he examines my faults as a defense mechanison. He protects himself by holding *his* love and affection over *my* head. . .because he feels like I have that same terrifying power. But when he's acting this way, this distant, reserved way, I forget that I have such a strong effect on his feelings. I forget that I *do* think he loves me. I think he'd be heartbroken to lose me. But how do I get him to stop with the silent weirdness than ensues every couple weeks? Is the answer, be sweet, affectionate, loving, etc. to convince him, in time, that I am serious and am not abandoning this relationhship lightly. . .or is the answer to back off and let him come to the conclusion, when I act withdrawn and reserved myself, that I matter to him too much to keep with the distant, reserved SOB persona up, when it's obviously upsetting to me?

How do you get a person to be close to you? Do you show them closeness first, or does that just push them away? Or do you pull away and let THEM come to you. I don't mean to sound like it's a game. . .it's not, to me. . .I just don't know how to handle this person in my life, whom I love, strategically, diplomatically, to effect the result I want. . .