My brother (my hero) and Jim.

I was just fixing my 'do in order to facilitate me leaving the house at a reasonable hour to go drink, and I spied some Superfriends note cards that I bought my brother for his birthday. I like the Superfriends too, but I'm really more of a Wonder Woman fanatic, whereas these have some spiffy Aquaman and Wonder Twins and Green Lantern and the Flash notecards. I felt them more suited to him. Which got me to thinking about my brother. Matt is 8 years older than me. He's the closest, in age, and emotionally. I grew up with siblings so much older than me that I was doted on from a very young age (and treated like I was by definition immature. . .it's a double-edged sword!). Matt is one of my favorite people. I remember once when I was about 8, he dressed me up in a "cool" outfit to go with him and his friends to the movies. Cool outfit consisted of an oversized "Swatch" Sweatshirt turned dress (appropriate on an 8 year old). I remember how old I was because I can remember what my hair looked like. Isn't that weird? He would've been 16. Who takes their 8 year old sister out with them when they're 16?? I can't even remember what we saw. Only that I went.

He has a Halloween party every year. My love of Halloween and dressing up stems from him. My mother is also an excellent seamstress. . .I owe Jeannie (just like Barbara Eden), Wonder Woman, and my Chicago flapper costume to her, in recent years, as well as Snow White and a slew of others as a child. Matt and I start discussing about this time every year what our Halloween costumes are going to be. He's responsible for my love of comics too. We try to go see movies that we're really excited about together. I saw the first Lord of the Rings with him. I don't think I saw Spiderman with him, but we talked about it like the week after, cause we both went IMMEDIATELY. We both saw Harry Potter, this last one, on opening night. We have a lot in common!! We are by far the coolest and most sane of the siblings. We get excited about geeky things, though ;-)

Matt is gay. (Both my brothers are, but that's a different subject for a different post.) He was partnered with Jim for many years. . .I'll say 5 or 6. Jim had AIDS (Matt does not). Jim died my senior year of college. He was like a brother to me too. Matt and Jim owned a home together, a very nice one in a very swanky part of Atlanta. They had done all kinds of renovations (and Matt has done more now). They had three dalmations, Pepper, Bruce, and Katie. Katie died the year after Jim did. Matt was devastated. I told him that Jim needed Katie more than he did. Bruce and Pepper still live at the house, and Matt is with Laurence now. Laurence is great too. They have Bella now too, who used to be Laurence's sister's dog. I read Jim's will after he died. If Matt didn't survive him, if they died simultaneously (in an accident or something), I was next in line to get the house and the dogs. It may sound stupid to say, but for some people, especially but not limited to gay couples, being the one to get their animals and their home to take care of if something happens to them. . .that's an honor. I knew then how much Jim loved and trusted me. If he'd trust me with his animals!

Matt called me yesterday. He's going on a trip. He said, "I know this is morbid, but. . ." they had changed their wills (Matt and Laurence now) to say that if they didn't survive each other, the dogs will go to Laurence's sister. Because she has a history with Bella and Bella and Pepper are bonded now and they can't split up the dogs. And then, there's a life insurance policy with my name on it, that Matt wants to go to Laurence's sister just in case, in case she needs to buy a house in Florida, where she lives, to take care of the dogs. "I just wanted you to know. . .if that's ok." My brother! It's kind of funny, but those dogs are like his children. I told him he has to do what's best for the dogs. . .but he just wanted me to know. I don't care in the least of course. I'm glad that I was ever in line to take care of the most important thing my brother has. If he died. I know it's morbid.

As for Jim. Well, I miss him a lot. I have his picture on a memory board at my house. Sleeping with Katie. People always ask me, "Who is this guy?" That's Jim. He died of AIDS. I miss him. I look at him every day. It's funny, I love my brother. And I loved Jim. And I know how much I mean, not only only to Matt, who's related to me by blood, but to Jim too, because of that provision in his will. Jim was great, wonderful and funny (oh God, so funny, so funny your sides hurt after being around him). He did this great impression of Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest in the hanger scene. Matt and I COULD NOT stop laughing. I can see him doing it now. I'm starting to cry as I type this. . .do you think you get to see people ever again when they die? I hope so. I just have to believe there's a place with those people, call it Heaven. Or call it whatever. I don't know, I struggle with faith, but I have a strong belief there's something after this. Of course, someone will read this and think that there is such a place, but Jim can't get there because he's gay. Oh hogwash. He's somewhere, and I can't wait to see him again!! So funny! So pure of heart. Really.

At Jim's memorial service in Atlanta, I read a poem. I can't remember the name but it was basically about being able to go on to something better because your health wouldn't allow you to do what you wanted in this life. My brother picked it and asked me to read it because he couldn't, without crying. I did. Cause that's what kind of relationship we have. When we had Jim's memorial service in Florida, with his family, I can vividly remember me, Matt, Ben and Laura (my incredibly religious-conservito sister) all just standing around and bawling like babies. We couldn't stop crying when the minister spoke, any of us. Jim was a part of our family. No matter what. . .no matter that he and Matt lived an "alternative" lifestyle ;-) I hope I can find a man half as good as Jim for myself. I should take lessons from Matt.