Have you SEEN me?

Formerly Not So Much. . .the daily musings of a 26-year-old PYT whose self-love is superceded only by her obnoxiously endearing ability to remind you at all times just how fabulous she is. Guys too stupid to realize how lucky they are to be graced with her presence? Woman with 4-pack abs climbs onto the elliptical trainer next to her? Arrives at Chick-Fil-A at 10:37, only to learn she has missed her opportunity for a chicken biscuit? She throws all these setbacks off with disdain. . .after all, have you SEEN her??

Thursday, July 22, 2004

The Reason

I came to work frustrated and in a funk this morning because *TJ and I had a three hour conversation last night in which I felt like I came out of it having revealed too much of myself.  I know he sent me flowers this week.  I know he had a phenomenal time with me and can't wait to see me again.  I know that he calls me every day, sometimes a couple times (which I am LIKING, I feel the need to say, because it wouldn't be cool if I DIDN'T).  I know that we text message and email back and forth all day.  I know that he's smitten and in adoration of me (or at least, says some things that make it sound either that way or like he's the biggest pick-up artist).  But the fact of the matter is, I'm falling so hard and fast for this guy that I'm terrified of making the wrong move or saying the wrong thing or revealing something about myself that is just a dealbreaker for him.  Realistically, I don't think this happened, but I was uncomfortable with the level of exposure I felt like I had reached last night.

Midway through the day, I was recounting the conversation to a co-worker.  One of the most telling things that he said (oh, he's overexposed too) was that he was NOT interested in this girl in his class who asked him out, in fact, he wasn't interested in anyone else, to which I replied, "Oh does that INCLUDE me, or am I am exception?"  He said, "You're the reason I'm not interested in anyone else." 

He is not a man to mince words and he is not one to choose words, phrases, thoughts, or feelings haphazardly.  I think 90% that he's COMPLETELY serious.  And 10% that he's going to turn out to be as big of a schmuck of every other guy who's thrown himself at me.  Don't get me wrong, I really don't think that's what happening here.  This guy has NO PROBLEM getting women. . .I feel delighted and euphoric that he's chosen ME.  But I can't respond to this comment in an acceptable way.  I'm not going to say "yeah me too."  Cause, well. . .frankly, I don't trust him enough quite yet.  And I can't let him know what a vulnerable, enamored position he's got me in. . . or he might hurt me. 

If he keeps the attention and adoration up for another month or so. . .we'll talk about it.  But I think that if you see where I was coming from a couple months ago, you'll see why I feel this way.  I was dead-set against the B-word, and it looks like I might be well on my way to having one. . .which I'm not TOTALLY comfortable with yet, no matter how sincere he seems THIS week.

So, now that I think about it, I think some of the weird, cryptic stuff he said after this that led me to feel over-exposed. . .was really just a result of him reining things in and not throwing me any bones after I didn't give him an appropriately enthusiastic response to his declarations of impending exclusivity.  So at some point in the afternoon, I morphed from "in a funk" to feeling alright and sent him a text message.  I haven't heard from him all day (which is unusual)!  Now I'm getting back in a funk.  Is HE playing hard to get now, cause he perceives that I was last night?  Well, I wasn't doing it on purpose. . .I'm not used to guys being so honest, open, and upfront.  It throws me for a loop!

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.  This monicker does have meaning, but that's another post.

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