He Loves Me, He Likes Me Not (Sometimes)

My friends have obviously been telling me for some time that things with TJ were out of control. Too fast, too much, too emotional, too intense, too serious, etc. I'll just say it: we have both clearly fallen in love with each other and let our emotions and the things we say to each other get a little out of hand. I've been aware of this. I've loved (and yet doubted) the things that TJ has said to me, the movie-like lines that people just don't say in real life. I was doubtful at first, because guys have often come on too strong too fast and then bailed just as quickly, and I asked TJ from the beginning, "Is this what you're doing?" and he's assured me, "No, not at all." And it's not. His emotions are genuine. But. . .

Things have changed. TJ, for one reason or another, has been under the mis-impression than I am a perfect angel of a woman (my God, has he SEEN me?!). He's finally figured out in the last day or two that I am not. He has decided to put his head before his heart (something he usually does, excepting with me) and figure out, methodically, whether we are *really* right for each other. This is logical process, after all. He will not be ruled by his heart anymore! When he first started saying this bullshit to me, I panicked a bit. What? I don't know how to get to a guy except to appeal to his emotions. . .will "Robot TJ" like me as much as "Crazy Psycho In Love TJ"? Hard to say. . .

So, after I panicked and coaxed and forced him to talk to me and to tell me from whence, pray, did these catharses come, he finally let it out. . .the conversation went something like this:

Him: Well, like when you said this!
Me: I didn't mean that that way. I was thinking This, instead. I apologize, I see how you could mistake that. I'll be more careful in the future. What else?
Him: What about this?
Me: I didn't explain myself very well. What I was really thinking was This. I'm sorry. No harm, no foul. What else?
Him: Yeah, and you PISSED ME OFF when you did this!
Me: Yeah, I can see how that would. No big deal. I was thinking This. I see now why that made you mad. I'll be more mindful of your point of view.
Him: That's all.
Me: Anything else?
Him: No, I'm really glad we talked. I missed going out with my friends for a good reason.
Me: I'm glad you feel that way.

So, here's the rub. He all but admitted that he was on the verge of saying "I love you" when these things came to him and he realized (shockingly enough, gasp!) that I have FAULTS. I had to laugh. You didn't know I had faults? C'mon! I've been nothing but my obnoxious self from Day 1, and I only want to be with you if you like that person! "I know, stupid right?" I said, well, so now, what are you going to do? "Evaluate the relationship on its merits and how well it works. . .use my head, it's a decision-making process." (But keep in mind, at this point, I've been so gracious about the things he HAS called to my attention. . .how could you doubt you could have a relationship with a person like that?!) So, I asked him the critical question. Even though you're not using your feelings to lead you anymore, but only your head, have your feelings changed? "I don't believe so," he said.

Now, for about half a second, I was really sad that I stopped "I love you" in its tracks. But then, I thought, "what are you, crazy?" The last thing I need is some psycho telling me he loves without being able to back that shit up and form a real, adult relationship with me. I want the action verb "love," not the feeling "love." So, I made it pretty clear that I would much rather hear that when inclinations, actions, and intentions back it up, not just that silly fluttery thing. That's great and all, and it still has a place, but I want the real deal. So now he knows, and I know, and I think we both know what we're feeling, and now it'll be great IF and WHEN I ever get to hear the real, I've-made-a-choice-to-be-with-you-long-term, "love" thing.

So, here's the FANTASTIC part. He LOVES me, he's just not sure he LIKES me. I think it's FANTASTIC. We're about to find out, peeps. . .can you love me when you don't always like me? That's the guy I'm looking for! Let's see how he does! I'm possibly on the verge of the greatest love affair ever, if this guy can fall for my charms despite me being an obnoxious brat with lots of icky, irritating faults. Bring it on, I say. THAT'S the guy I want! The guy who doesn't let me get away with shit and calls me on my shit!

PS Miss O, you'll be happy to know that I used the analogy of our friendship to explain to TJ how unfair it is to hold me to standards and criteria that he doesn't convey to me and then get mad when I don't live up. I said, you know, I do have faults, but a lot of the time, I don't realize how I'm coming off, I can modify my behavior easily, and it's not as though that behavior is the "core" of who I am. . .you're not changing me, you're communicating with me about undesirable behavior to make me a better person and one you'd rather be with.

I said that you (Miss O) had done the same thing, held me to standards I couldn't possibly know, and we had a horrible falling out, but once you realized that a) it wasn't fair, b) I actually am gracious when you bring things to my attention, and c) I am fabulous and everyone "wants me as either a friend or a fuck," we started getting along great. We now bring everything to each other's attention and hardly ever piss each other off, and when we do, it's short-lived. I said, "that's been the recipe for the best friendship I have, so I don't see why it wouldn't be the recipe for the best relationship I'll have." I know, I know, Miss O was starry-eyed with my perfection too, and didn't realize what a obnoxious and petulant monster you'd created until it was almost too late! (Luckily, TJ has started noticing my faults much earlier.)