Through the Looking Glass

I've had "I love you" on my mind a lot. For obvious reasons. I haven't said it yet. Reasons why I don't want to:

a) When he confessed that he'd only said it to two girls, he told me that he didn't say it to the 2nd girl until almost four years in. I was shocked and dismayed. It seems pretty horrible to me that someone could be with someone that long and not know how they felt, or not express it. I've never stayed that length of time. . .well, with anyone, but I've never stayed more than a few months with someone I didn't "love" and tell them so. We had a whole tiff about it. He thought I was giving him an ultimatum. I wasn't. I don't want to hear it until he really really means it. But now it's this point of contention between us. . .

b) I don't want to hear it until he really really means it. I'm terrified of it, in fact. I want to get this overwhelming welling-up inside my chest out there in the open (it's hard for me to NOT tell people how I feel, I have this "no regrets, the world could end tomorrow" type outlook on things). But at the same time, I'm terrified of the result. He says it back? What if he doesn't? What if he does and later changes his mind? What if he doesn't mean it? What if *I* don't mean it? What if we fall apart? What if I get my heart broken? What if I get my heart broken AND become more bitter and jaded? (Spare me the, "there are no guarantees in life, just dance" stuff. I KNOW. But I'm sharing my fears with the blog anyway.)

c) I don't know if I'm ready to hear it. I'm not as afraid of saying it. I just don't know if I'm ready to hear it. My worst fear in life, I realized today on the drive back from Jacksonville, is: For someone to love me/say they love me, and for them to leave anyway/not love me enough to make a relationship with me. I don't fear being left generally. . .I mean, it always sucks to be left by someone *you* love, but I fear being left by someone who still proclaims to love me. Perhaps in that situation, he really did? But I just wasn't a good/nice enough person for him to suck it up and deal with my faults to receive all the love and respect I had to give in return? I fear not being loved just the way I am, I guess. I guess that's my greatest desire in life too. To be loved even when I screw up, despite my faults. That's the big question: Can this man love me, faults and all? And if not him, can anyone? Am I a lovable person?

I will try to remember that "I love you" is not a magical revolving door that puts me on the other side of the looking glass. "Love" is something that is proven over time and tribulations.

Help me to see "love" in his actions and show it in mine. Help me not to need the words. . .until it's time.