The source of my neuroses

I told him I loved him after about a month. I didn't even think of the consequences. Just opened my mouth and let my heart poor out. I was fearless.

He said he wasn't ready for that, and I told him that I didn't need him to tell me how he felt about me, because I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me. I didn't need it, for probably about another month/month and a half. I felt certain I knew how he felt. But at some point, the waiting, the non-reciprocation got to me. I broke down crying one night after we made love. What's the matter? he asked. Don't you know how much I care about you? "Yes, but do you LOVE me?" I asked through my tears. We got things cleared up. He confessed that he did. And then a few weeks later, he told me for real, on his own, and was sorry that he hadn't told me before, that he'd felt that way for some time and just hadn't realized it.

We dated for another 6 months or so. I got upset once because he'd never mentioned marriage to me. I was upset that he'd never thought about marrying me. (I was 21, he was 24.) He said of course he'd thought about it. I said, you know, we're in this serious relationship, can you share these thoughts with me? I don't know what I was thinking. I was young and dumb.

He dated another 6 months or so. He told me (about 2 months before the first time he "broke up" with me) that "you and I are going to get married some day." Just out of the blue. I told him the next day it was the nicest thing he'd ever said to me. He told me "it's the truest thing I've ever said to you."

He tried to break up with me once (about 2 months later). "Why? Do you love me?" "Yes." "Well, then, baby, we can get through anything, breaking up with me is not the answer. We'll get through whatever it is that's bothering you." He broke up with me again a month or so later. He loved me, but it wasn't "right." Whatever the hell that means. I was crushed. I thought we were so great. We weren't perfect, but I loved him, and I could've done anything to make it work.

He is the reason I'm screwed up. He's the reason I can't tell my boyfriend I love him. He's the reason maybe I shouldn't tell my boyfriend I love him. I haven't felt this way about anyone since him. That includes the last boyfriend, whom I "loved" but could always do without. I never thought I would die if the last guy and I broke up. It just wasn't as strong. I feel more like I would be crushed if TJ and I broke up.

Looking back, I steamrolled him. *I* told him when he loved me. *I* told him that he should be thinking about marrying me. *I* told him we weren't breaking up. Breaking up with me finally was the one time he *ever* stood up to me. I don't want a man who lets me tell him what to do. This guy trained me to do that. I used not to express my desires. He said to me one day, "If I don't know what's wrong, I can't fix it." I took it upon myself to loudly proclaim everything I wanted from that point on, a strategy I continue to largely subscribe to. I don't ever want someone to let me down because they didn't *know* what I wanted. It will always be because *they* decided they didn't *want* to satisfy me! There's something to that, but. . .then, you're telling them what to do. I don't want to tell my guy what to do. I want him to want to do whatever makes me happy.

I want a man who wants to satisfy me not because I'm bossy and tell him explicitly, just because he reads me so well. I need to figure out how to get what I want/need without asking. And I need to figure out how to LISTEN to what he wants/needs without him having to say it. I need to get in tune with him, with me, with us. I'm going to try. I need to LISTEN. And I need to communicate. . without always talking so loud. Cause in the past, I've talked so loud, *he* (admittedly, a weaker guy) didn't know what he really wanted. And I let him lead me on to think it was me for a long time.