Playing Fair
TJ has been ragging me for the last couple days. He's been ragging me because we went to a party on Saturday, and I drank hunch punch. It was potent. I ended up a) not entirely remembering all of the evening, and b) getting sick. I've been ragged for two days about it. I don't mind the teasing, BUT. . .the party was SKETCHY as all hell. There were strippers. They were DOING things to each other (and some of the female guests). There was the Paris Hilton video playing in all rooms. Now, my point is. . .*I* am capable of fitting in a multitude of environments, and *I* think it was pretty cool that I meshed so well with the the very very sketchy crowd that was at this very very sketchy party. I am the picture of class, and yet, I was able to go in and get down and dirty and enjoy this party and not freak out, which many women of my age, social class, and position in life would not have. I'm not trying to sound like an elitist, but. . .I mean, there were a lot of young, college-wild people there. I am a BIT past that in life. I think it was cool of me. And I'm a little sick of being ragged continually (for things I've apologized for repeatedly) without the corresponding, "Hey, I'm only teasing. It was really cool of you to go to that party with me."
So after being teased for the 800th time about getting sick/blacking out, I finally said something, like, "Hey, I know that you like to focus on that, but for just a minute, can you acknowledge that it was really really cool of me to not bat an eye at that party? I know a lot of girls who would've been really uptight about it." He doesn't get it. "Hey can I call you back, Rudy's on at the Republican convention." Sure, fine. I finish my movie. He calls me back a bit later. I ask him after a few minutes, "Hey do you remember what I said to you right before we hung up?" He doesn't. I repeat it in my most tactful, non-confrontational, I'm-making-you-aware-of-something-that-hurt-my-feelings way. He doesn't respond at first. He frequently goes into long silences. When he does speak, he just says, "Well if you had a problem with the party, you should've told me" and "if you can't handle being teased, I'm just going to stop, and I don't want to hear about how I'm not paying attention to you." I said, "That's not what I said. I didn't have a problem with the party. I just wish if you're going to tease me relentlessly about something, you could balance that out with telling me that it was really cool of me to go to the party at all." He is SO stubborn. I ask him, "Do you think it was cool?" "Well, yeah, it was cool of you to go and everything, BUT. . .you should've told me you had a problem with it/you can't handle being teased/etc. etc." whatever OFFSETS the praise.
He then proceeds to ask me if he gets praised for every nice thing he does, makes dinner, takes me out, driving back and forth to Savannah, does he expect constant praise? No. I got a little ill at this point. I said, "TJ, you'd be hard-pressed to think of a time you've taken me out or made me dinner when I didn't say thank you. Not to mention the cards I send you with my giving and loving thoughts imprinted therein, the nice things I do for you, keeping my house clean for you to come visit, changing the sheets and making other efforts to make your visit nice. I DO thank you." I then asked him, "Do you think you contribute more to this relationship than I do?" "No," he said.
What is UP with that? Why do people "fight" like that? Wait for someone to bring up something that bugs them to then "counter" with "oh yeah!? well listen to THIS shortcoming of yours." (A: cause it never REALLY bugged him, he was just looking for a handy defense.) I really tried my best to convey my thoughts in an orderly, adult way without being defensive or mean. Why do I get this, "Well I guess it was cool BUT. . .[other extraneous factors]" response? What do you guys think? Am I being unreasonable?
As a side note. I told him that I was really really trying to LISTEN more, a la yesterday's post. I said, you know, I do really know that communicating is not ALL about SAYING what *I* want, and there's more to it. I really really want to LISTEN to comprehend your needs, both what you say and what you DON'T say, so if you could help me with that, I'd really appreciate it. He said he understood and he would.
Part of me thinks he's processing and it will take a while to absorb what I said. That's fine, I don't need an immediate response. I just want to know that he HEARD what I said. And responds to it. Bottom line: I want to be appreciated somewhat roughly commensurate with being teased.
And despite the inappropriate way in which he made his desires known to me, I HEARD what he said too, i.e. I like to be appreciated too. But I just don't think he played fair in letting them be known. Again, thoughts?
