Have you SEEN me?

Formerly Not So Much. . .the daily musings of a 26-year-old PYT whose self-love is superceded only by her obnoxiously endearing ability to remind you at all times just how fabulous she is. Guys too stupid to realize how lucky they are to be graced with her presence? Woman with 4-pack abs climbs onto the elliptical trainer next to her? Arrives at Chick-Fil-A at 10:37, only to learn she has missed her opportunity for a chicken biscuit? She throws all these setbacks off with disdain. . .after all, have you SEEN her??

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Calendar of Love

Ok, so I got all my insecurities out on the last post, and I *am* feeling a bit better. I reviewed some old posts from my private blog (didn't know I had one, did ya?) and realized that I've been struggling with the EXACT same issue for about a month now! And I'm no more crazy now than I was then. And I re-read some of the things he told me then, which were comforting and reassuring, and I'm just going to pretend like he told me those things again. I don't think his feelings have changed, he hinted pretty strongly that his not having said it so far was a timing issue, not a substantive, "I don't love you," issue. I just have to drop it. It's SO HARD. Especially 5 apple martinis and 2 or 3 "It's Your Birthday Black Cherry Vodka" and gingerales later.

Also, this is silly, but when you're in a weekend relationship, you can pretty much look at your calendar and see what happened, at what stage, anytime. Oh, the weekend we went to X, we fought about Y, remember? And the weekend that my friend visited, we didn't fight at all or have any serious discussions. So, I review my "Calendar of Love" and realized that since my last insecurities on this subject and his assuaging of those insecurities, we've. . .ahem. . .had quite a few arguments. And an argument, while it may not LAST all weekend, COLORS the whole weekend, when you have a weekend-to-weekend relationship. It's hard to explain. But anyway, we fought two weekends in a row, then we had a great weekend, and last weekend, I was with my girls. We have this weekend coming up (three day weekend for me), then next weekend, and then I'm taking him to DC for his birthday. . .so we have some good quality time coming up. Cross your fingers we don't fight and that he starts to show me more that I am, in fact, as the voicemail message proclaimed, "Love O' My Life!!" And that I'm able to keep my mouth shut on this topic from NOW ON!!

Closing thoughts: I've gotten in trouble a bit lately because of my blog and my unabashed inclination to express whatever I feel on it, sometimes to the mild insult of some of my personally acquainted readers. But, it is, after all, *my* blog. Well, these two posts today help me to understand that. . .when a blog blogs in the world wide web, and there's no one around to read it, it DOES still make a sound. This has HELPED me today. I usually would call a friend, but my best bud is going through something really hard right now and I don't need to bother her with this trivial shit. And I know the answers, anyway, deep down, when I sort through my head. . .through having had the same issues before, through awesome advice from friends in the past, through my own soul-searching, and because I know TJ.

So, read it if you like, comment if you like. . .I'm still going to try and say whatever I feel like, because ultimately, it's for *me.* Especially these posts, the heartfelt ones, not just the posts chronicling my misadventures. . .

I'll try and not offend any friends intentionally, but no promises. . . :-)

Thanks for reading. . .

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