Just as You Are

Mark Darcy says to Bridget Jones in the movie bearing the same name: "I like you. Very much. Just as you are." And that's what *I'm* looking for. Someone to like me, just as I am, faults notwithstanding. But that also means I have to do it BACK.

I'm the first to admit, the boyfriend can be an asshole. Even when my mother gushes about what a great guy he is, I say, "Yes he is. When he's not being an asshole. And don't let him fool you, he can be." I don't do it to besmirch his name, I just think it's really really naive and dangerous to think that someone else is perfect and without smear on their personality. Despite the fallbacks, I would rather be in love with a REAL person, with faults and problems and baggage. It's not as easy, but you know what? I can't idolize someone unless I want them to do the same to me, and I DON'T. Then, they're shocked and dismayed when it turns out that I, too, have faults and problems and baggage. I want someone to hold me and comfort me when I goof up and am not perfect. . .not someone to love me just when I'm being my BEST Miss Have You. I want to be able to be my best Miss Have You more often because I know that there are people who are going to love me even when I'm not. It's easier when there's not as much pressure, when you're not constantly under the microscope. I'm not always sure that TJ GETS that, sometimes he gets SO MAD when I do something off-kilter, even a haphazard ridiculous comment that in retrospect, seems trivial. But I think we made a break through last night. . .

We had a fight this weekend. It was RETARDED. I popped off a mean, snippy comment and he ignored me for the next several hours. We were in a theme park at the time, with another friend of his. So he came off looking pretty much like an A-1 asshole, for several hours. After I cooled off, which those who know me, know doesn't take long, I tried to go to him and talk to him and touch him affectionately and talk about it. No dice. I let it go and just continued my evening. Even the friend said to me, "That's just TJ. He's an asshole sometimes. Just let it go and let him be pissed off for a bit." The next morning, I tried to talk to him again. He was STILL pissed off. I said, you know, I shouldn't have said this, but is it really worth being this pissed off about for THIS long? He implied that I ruined the night. I said, "No, I popped off something in half a second because I thought you were being a jerk. You then intentionally engaged in behavior for several hours that ruined your night. YOU ruined your night, not me." I still had plenty of fun, and who am I to stop him if he wants to act like a child?

I don't know whether it was the fact that I put on a happy face and acted totally normal for the rest of the day while we hung out with his friends. Or whether it was the fact that he cooled off (although he hadn't cooled off after 9 or so hours of sleep!). But he began to be normal at some point during the day. We ate lunch and he shared his food with me and let me taste his, and just did other little things that made it seem like he was coming round. I really thought the ride back to Jax was going to suck, but you know what? It was totally NORMAL, he talked to me the whole time as though nothing was wrong. We got back to Jax and he left his luggage in my car, he had no intention of me leaving to come back to Savannah last night, but assumed I would stay. We watched A Time to Kill on TBS and messed around. I felt genuinely remorseful for what I'd said, even though I found his response reprehensible, so in an emotional moment, I said, "Oh baby, I'm so sorry about before." I gripped him tightly in a never let go hug. He said, "Forget about it. Me too. I was being a jerk." What?! I was really shocked. Maybe he finally HEARD me. My message that "my behavior wasn't great, but yours was pretty terrible too."

I really feel good about it. I really think this guy loves me, faults and all, fights and all. And honestly, even though we still fight, we're not fighting about the same things over and over. We'll fight about something a few times, and then, we GET it and now we've moved on to a new phase. Before, it was the "you don't know when your teasing's gone too far" phase and now we're in the "you can't act like a petulant child for exponentially longer than it took me to say the thing that pissed you off" phase. The fact is, we are a couple of strong-willed, stubborn people who think *our* respective ways are the *best* ways, and as Miss Meg reminded me, no matter how much you love someone, "this is still some whole, OTHER person with whom you're compromising and acting as a partnership." No one is me and is going to understand *me* 100% of the time. But I think both TJ and I want to understand each other, very badly. We're doing better, but we're far from perfect. But I don't want to be in a relationship in which I have to *be* perfect, or he does. I WANT to work hard and come to a mutual understanding of the other person, whom I love, and learn how to work with him and react to him in ways in which he and I find that we work the BEST together, instead of stumbling and bumbling all through these ridiculous fights that we sometimes have. I think some people think if you have to work so hard, what's the point? I don't feel that way. I WANT to suffer through the kinks in this relationship and emerge stronger on the other side. And if I don't, if we break up, I will have still learned so much. . . but in the meantime, anything worth having is worth working for, and he makes me very happy, 95% of the time. Believe me, those who know me personally, I'd trade this relationship five times over for any of the ones I'd had so far; there is no question to me that this guy is far better for me than anyone so far (at the very least, and maybe better than anyone could ever be, although I'm reserving judgment on that for now. . .).

RS recently wrote that you *know* you're with the right person when you can say anything and have the meanest fight in the world and be unequivocally certain that the person is not going anywhere. Well, TJ and I are not there yet, but last night, for the first time, I caught a glimpse of his level of tolerance and forgiveness when it comes to my shortcomings, which I've always thought was lacking in comparison to my complementary level of tolerance and forgiveness for him. Maybe it's not. He has trouble saying he's sorry and he was wrong, sure, but locked in my arms, as my genuine penitence came pouring out of my mouth last night, he assuaged my fears by telling me to "forget it" and that he "was a jerk." I don't think he's going to leave me. I think the good FAR outweighs the bad. But it's a day by day thing. But I shouldn't and can't be afraid to say what I think because I'm afraid he'll leave. . .or he won't be staying with me, he'll be staying a timid, mousy shadow of the real me. And that's not me. I mean, geez, have you SEEN me?!