What's the Female Equivalent of Blue Balls?

Gentlemen: when your girlfriend does any combination of three or more (to be safe) of the following things, she wants to be intimate.** Takes a shower before bed, when you haven't been at the gym; shaves everything from the waist down; comes to bed stark naked; asks you, "Aren't you going to kiss me goodnight?"; asks to cuddle; rubs your back and nuzzles you while she does so; tries to pry herself out from under your dead, sleeping weight because your "cuddling" (which isn't the kind she was asking for anyway) is too heat-inductive for her taste.

**Any two or more of the above actions for girlfriends who only see their beaux on the weekends.

Please don't deny her, especially when you're going home first thing in the morning. She'll feel hurt, rejected, and as though all of her efforts to make herself pretty, clean, hairless, smooth, soft, and smell good were unnoticed and underappreciated by you. And then she'll lay there wide awake no matter how tired she is and think about how foul that makes her feel. And how physically unfulfilled she feels, when she got it in her head (through the somewhat extended process of exfoliation, hair removal, and squeaky cleanness) that you were going to be intimate. And she may end up tricking you into being intimate with her anyway by bringing. . .ahem. . .your competition out of the nightstand drawer. And being intimate in pursuit of beating out your mechanical competition. . isn't intimate. It's sort of tricky. And underhandledly beguiling. And while her intention may be at least as much about being able to go to sleep (for the love of God!) as it is about her personal irritation with your oblivious sleeping body, it still may come off badly. Especially when that little whirring sound makes it hard for you to sleep and you wake up and feel compelled to join in the fun. And don't realize until AFTERwards that you were wholly and unjustifiably HOODWINKED (no pun intended).

I can identify with feeling disrespected, scammed, and perhaps even that you're only as good as your sexual prowess, if you're feeling any of those things (which I suspect you are!). But I really did feel like the underappreciated target of your oblivion in the first place. I got your attention and my point across in the totally wrong way. . .and I'm still hurt and angry. I know I apologized and I know you said to forget it (and even seemed like you meant it). . .but what about *my* gripes with this situation?

PS I realize by writing this post that it really is sort of hilarious. But I didn't think it was very funny until I realized the hoodwinked was a synonym for tricked, in which case the whole thing just because a raucously entertaining piece of prose. But really, I'm inviting comments. Am I so wrong or weird to expect (and prepare for) intimacy on the last night we see each other for the weekend? And is it reasonable to be frustrated that the boyfriend didn't notice that I'd gone to some effort to facilitate that (and in fact, seemed like he was starting to engage in foreplay mere moments before the bastard passed out).

Signed--
Stuck between irritation and hilarity