I want my bed back.

Well, ok, so I'm dating Keith. Yeah, I've seen ENTIRELY too much of him this weekend in fact. I saw him Thursday and Friday night, went to St. Simon's, and let him take me out again last night. And of course, he spent the night each time. The truth is, I like the guy, he's sweet, he adores me, and this is not going to sustain me very much longer. I do like being around him, somewhat, when he's not being obnoxious or making stupid jokes, and I like the IDEA of having someone I can call at any time and guarantee plans and/or a date. And I can. He is, for all intensive purposes, more of my puppy dog than Sadie is. Do I really need that right now?? I thought I did, but I guess I'm starting to feel a little guilty because I think he thinks this is on the road to Girlfriend-ville, and guess what? It ain't.

Honestly, except for the once-a-week date and the physical stuff, I'd rather be single. Cause single is always the opportunity to meet someone new (and I don't intend on foreclosing that opportunity just cause I'm dating Keith, I guess, so what's the difference?). Well, I think the difference is that if I'm spending too much time with Keith, I might not be taking every opportunity to meet someone new. . .I gotta cut back on that boy. It's not even especially addictive. And he sleeps in my bed entirely too much. I want my bed back. I quote Beyonce: "Only ring my celly when I'm feeling lonely, when's it's all over, please get up and leave."

I'm feeling especially cynical about Love today.

I'm sure Huh? will have some choice comments about this, but I saw the Ex yesterday. He brought some stuff back. And I have to say, the conversation was fine, we're fine, we're not in danger of falling into each others' arms (when I remind myself how lazy and inconsiderate he is, I don't EVER want to be back in that place again), but can I just tell you that summer is not a good time for me to see the Ex. Because he tans more than any white boy should. And he looks so good tan. Insert heart pang here. Why did you have to suck so much?!? Anyway, I hope he thought I looked at least as good as I thought he looked. This is not Love, though, it's emotional attachment, see Huh?'s comments to the Advice Needed post. (Wouldn't it be crazy if Huh? were the Ex?? Still dying to know, Huh, feel free to drop hints.)

Before I get posts about how I only want men who treat me badly and I don't see what I have in Keith, let me throw in that Ex and I had FAR more in COMMON than Keith and me. I want a man who treats me well and has some of the same interests. Being attracted to each other is about all Keith and I have in common (I am only SLIGHTLY exagerating).

I'm hearing voices in my head...

...and they're singing, "I am the champion. I am the champion. I am the champion... of the world"

This morning, at 10:15 a.m. the jury found in favor of my defendant. They deliberated for 27 minutes. Not bad, actually. And I can now say that I am undefeated in front of juries.

It feels good. And the pink eye has almost entirely subsided to boot. Tonight I'm going to Agatha's Murder Mystery Dinner Theater with the boyfriend to celebrate.

Advice Needed: The Ex

Ok, so I have a problem. I need resolution. I need advice, from whomever that advice may come. Brian. The ex. The guy I dated for 2 years, and to be fair, I broke up with him, not the other way round. But the reason I broke up with him is because a) he moved to Jacksonville, and it was too just far for his meager little brain to be able to treat me well from afar, he had a hard enough time doing it from up close. Ok, there's no b). Really, it's just a). He moved, and I wanted to be able to enjoy my new home here in Savannah and not be running back and forth for something I wasn't sure was working, and for him to be able to enjoy Jacksonville. I thought, if it's meant to be, in time, it will work itself out. Well, it didn't. It hasn't. And although I don't love him anymore, I'm still a little hurt by the fact that he let me go so easily, that he didn't fight for me, that he didn't do WHATEVER it took to make sure I was happy, that he didn't go above and beyond what was required of him before, to compensate for living in another city. He was lazy. And that makes me feel like I wasn't loved very much.

So, lately, I've been thinking about it. I haven't seen him in a couple months. He stayed at my house recently (when I was out of town) and he never called to say thanks, and that was 6 weeks ago. It hacked me off, I thought it was rude. I just sat on the fact that he didn't call me for a while, and didn't really think about it until holy Lord, it's been 6 weeks and he hasn't called, what an ass (I counted it on my calendar, I didn't just KNOW it had been 6 weeks). I thought it was inconsiderate, the same quality that permeated much of our relationship. Just Brian just thinking about Brian. And yeah, this is ABOUT the time that I thought he would realize in a panic what a mistake he made, and the fact that he could go so long without talking to me, yeah it hurt me. I don't love him anymore, but I still want him to feel regret for letting me go. It hurts that he didn't love me enough to make it work, and I want him to feel that because I've had to feel it.

I would never go back to him. I think he's a good guy generally, but not for me. So I emailed him yesterday and said, "You know I thought I might hear from you after I graciously let you stay in my home. Why haven't I?" He emails me back today, believe it or not, I was going to call you today! Do you want to go to dinner tonight? He's going to a bachelor party in Hilton Head, and it's on the way.

So, do I go? I sort of want to see how he's doing, but I sort of hate his ass. I don't hate his ass, he just hurt me. I sort of want to say, "You know, I'm not in love with you anymore, but part of that's because you sucked and you hurt me." I think I will need to say that and have this conversation with him at some point, just not sure I want to do it today. Also, it's last minute. I would never let a new guy do that, and I feel like I shouldn't make an exception for Brian today, especially given his tendency to be lazy. You know, I think I've answered my own question, but please sound off anyway. I can tell him I have plans tonight and that maybe he can take me to dinner on his way back from Hilton Head. (I do actually have plans tonight, to see Keith, but they are not set in stone and they were probably going to be later, I was thinking I could maybe do an early dinner with Brian.) Yeah, I think I call Brian and tell him I have a date, sorry, can we try Monday?

On Kickball Fielding, New Friend, and New Crush

I feel very immature posting this post next to crusted oozy shit in her eyes (see below) but well, I have some thoughts I find it important to share.

Well, first things first. This is not an original thought, but a new friend I made said the funniest thing last night. She suggested that wouldn't it be great if someone invented a cell phone that doubled as a breathalyzer, that preventing you from calling out if drunk. Think how many drunk dialing accidents could be avoided!! I LOVE IT.

Secondly, new friend invited me out to play kickball (you heard me) at Forsyth with a bunch of other young professionals. The good news is, Sadie got to play with some other dogs, I got to play with some new friends too. The bad news is, I suck at kickball, having not played since about the age of 9, the "boys" were doing most of the fielding, so there was a lot of standing around for most of the gals (especially those who suck, like me), and this league of women sort of makes me feel physically attractively inferior.

To be fair, New Friend really is gorgeous--she's petite, she's blonde, and you can't even hate her cause she's hilarious and sweet. I'm not even sure the other girls are really prettier than me so much as they're just "new," so I automatically compare myself to them physically, since I know nothing else about them. I also (as Me will tell you, I have a fat girl hiding deep inside me) tend to equate prettiness with tall, thin, with no cellulite, which isn't necessarily true at all. Thinner girls are not necessarily prettier girls. But I was still feeling like my thighs were gi-normous in my athletic shorts. Ok, but I can get past this. . .I generally don't have very many hang-ups about my looks, I know I am attractive. . .and in time, as I get to know these girls, I'm sure that some will really be as attractive as I think they are, some might be less, and some might be more, depending on how good their personalities are (which is probably part of the reason New Friend really is gorgeous, cause she's funny and sweet as pie).

So, here's the neurotic guy part. There is this REALLY CUTE guy. I mean, several of the guys were cute, but this one stands out. However, I can't get behind the guy that stands out that all the other girls flock to. a) I don't mind competition, but not in my dating relationships, they're hard enough as it is. b) It HONESTLY makes a guy less attractive to me that has girls just all over him because of a) but MORE, because I really like a guy who only has eyes for me. That's what I love, a guy who is totally into me. And it's hard for the guy that is always the subject of girls' crushes to be that guy. The guys I date are usually not the guy every girl loves. I can't get behind "that guy." I just want the guy that I LOVE.

But I can't stop thinking about this cutie anyway. He has a black lab and I told him Sadie was really sort of into the inter-racial thing, but that's about as close as I went to hitting on him. Is is sick to fantasize that maybe we'll get to be friends, let our dogs play together, and then one day, he'll look at me and say, "You know, you're the least obvious choice cause you haven't been throwing yourself at me, and that. . .that I find attractive, more than these other women." Cause that's what he says in my head. (How ironic would that be? I won't go after him because other women are, and then, if he turned around and went after me cause I wouldn't chase him??) At any rate, I agree with Me's philosophy that chasing men is just not for me, cause I want one who can't live without me so much that he's just gotta chase me. Sigh. Still worth daydreaming about though.

But really, I know very little about the guy other than he's cute and tall with blue eyes. . .and a helluva good kickball player. I'm hoping I get to know him and he has a dud personality so I can get over my crush. I'm trying to get past the looks thing so much when choosing potential "dates," because I don't want to end up with someone I'm so fascinated with physically, I overlook the BS. I think I've been guilty of that before. But if he's cute and sweet and funny and we have a lot in common, oh geez, it's trouble. But I just have to tell myself, you know, if he's right for me, he won't be right for these other girls. . .and you should give it time to tell, rather than feeling (as I usually do) that I have to feel out a dating situation immediately. Patience, patience, patience.

Just my F-ing luck...

So when I get stressed and then don't get enough sleep, I almost without fail always get sick. Fine. A common cold sucks, but you can medicate and deal with it.

But today is my very first jury trial. Yes, I'm handling it entirely on my own. Admittedly, it is a very small, very simple case that I can't possibly screw up that badly. But, it's still all on me, and I want to do a good job. As mentioned in previous posts, I worked on it all weekend, and it's been consuming at least 3 out of every 4 thoughts since. There has been missed sleep, and thus, I've had a mild cold for about two or three days now.

But then, yesterday afternoon my eyes started bothering me. First they just felt like there was something in them (an eyelash or something). Then they got a little runny. At this point I get suspicious, but tell myself maybe its still just an offending eyelash... in both eyes.

By 10 o' clock last night, big goopy crud is freely flowing out of my eye balls. And in case you couldn't guess, they are swollen and hurt like a mother. I take some decongestant and go to sleep, hoping naively that when I awake they will be better.

4:30 a.m. I awaken to swollen achy eyes that simply will not open. My eyelashes have crusted together and cannot be pulled apart. Fortunately, the boyfriend (who was amazingly not grossed out by any of this) was there to get me a wash cloth to soak my eyes with until I could pry them open. Yummy.

5:30 a.m. I am in the ER, getting medicated and looked at.

6:00 a.m. I'm at the 24-hour CVS Pharmacy sort of near my house.

7:30 a.m. I am back in bed for an extra hours worth of sleep.

9:00 a.m. I am at work, preparing for trial, looking like I have been crying all night long. Eyes still bloodshot, puffy, and stinging, though no longer oozing goo.

I'm feeling good about my first trial. Woo hoo! Perhaps I will have a miraculous recovery in the next 3 hours. Trial starts at 1:00 p.m.

Thank You, Only-Has-A-Cell-Phone-Guy

Ok, another post in 9 hours.

Those people. . .the ones who ONLY have cell phones. Well, in theory, I use my cell phone SO MUCH, and I definitely have friends (and certainly beaux) who ONLY have that number--(NEVER give your home number to a potential, he could call and leave answering machine messages when other potentials are over, I learned that the hard way). In fact, my cell phone bill is INSANELY over this month, even though I have a home phone with unlimited long distance (I'm kicking my own ass on this one) because I just don't monitor when I'm using it and I use them (that is, both phones) interchangably. I could certainly get by on just a cell phone if I upped my plan. However, something has always bothered me about those people who JUST have cell phones. In theory, I don't know why. I mean, if you get enough extra minutes to pick up what you'd use on a home phone, you really should only need one phone. But I discovered a circumstance in which having more than just a cell phone is NECESSARY.

If you leave your phone in your non-girlfriend's car in her glove box, and she now has it, SHE CAN'T CALL YOU TO TELL YOU WHERE IT IS. And you may not even know her number. I mean, it's in your phone. Which she has. I am gleeful at my new discovery. Thank you, Only-Has-A-Cell-Phone-Guy, I hear a new Budweiser commercial coming on.

Luckily, my friend is dating his roommate, which is why it's always better to troll for guys in pairs.

To sum up, 1) GET A HOME PHONE, and 2) Always troll for guys in pairs, in case you start dating Only-Has-A-Cell-Phone-Guy.

Dating for Fun?? Fiddle-Dee-Dee

In Gone With the Wind, Rhett Butler says to Scarlett that she's been married twice, once for spite and once for money. In the movie version, something like, "You've been married to a boy and an old man, how about someone of the proper age?" and then "Did you think of marrying just for the fun of it?" to which she replies, "Marriage for fun?! Fiddle-dee-dee!" Well, I've sort of felt the same way about dating I guess. Dating is a means to an end, a relationship, love, marriage. It's a method of meeting Mr. Right, the Man of Your Dreams. But right now, he's not forthcoming, and honestly, I don't think I'm really ready for him. I'm just starting to find out what I really want and I won't settle for less anymore. . .Mr. Right could be years down the road. And I'm still stinging a little from some other situations. . .but for the first time, the upswing is, I'm learning that DATING can be fun as well. Not for love, not for marriage, not for a boyfriend. . .JUST FOR FUN.

I had a co-worker enter my office today (the one who has just broken up with her boyfriend, is very sad, has a 5 y/o and YEARNS to get married so she can have another child before she gets too old) and ask me what I was doing tonight. Going to a movie with Keith, I said.
"Girl," she said, "you need to cut that boy loose."
"Um, why?"
"Because he's SO not your type!!"
"Yeah. So? I'm not looking to get married this year like some people in this room."
Laughter. "But why are you wasting your time?"
"I'm not wasting it. I would date someone better if he came along. He's not sucking up my time so much that I'm foregoing opportunities to meet other guys. He's good for now. He's sweet to me. I like him. It's been 2 1/2 weeks, I DO NOT have to cut him loose."

Well, I just got back from the movies with 24 y/o Keith. I know he's young, I know we have little in common (for instance, he doesn't like to read and he just told me while watching Spiderman and Harry Potter previews that he hated those two movies--CAN YOU IMAGINE!?!), and I know that it's not really going anywhere. But you know what? I still like the dumb jock. He makes stupid jokes, but one in ten WILL make me laugh, and he's so kissable. And he just seems to not be able to get enough of me. He just asked me what I was doing this weekend, I proceeded to give a laundry list of some possible plans and then tell him that I could probably squeeze him in somewhere. And he jumps at the chance. When he went to leave, he said, "I'm glad I got to see you." I said, "See what happens when you make plans in advance: good things happen." (Due to a ridiculously long story that Me knows the full details of, Keith in a moment of drunken stupidity had made half-arrangements to see me out at a particular bar and then didn't bother to check back on those plans until about 2 AM, at which point I, of course, had moved on to another bar and refused to see him, much to his chagrin. He was as petulant as a child, but I made him realize that his own actions had brought him to the unhappy no-Molly place.)

Wow, you know, the games between men and women suck. . .unless you've mastered the rules. And gosh, I mean, I wouldn't say "mastery" yet but I'm getting pretty damn good at this shit, and Keith is acting accordingly. Me, you're right, when you don't let guys get away with shit, they stop trying to pull it. My plan to avoid lazy daters is prevailing!!

I am enjoying the worship. Keith is good at worshipping Molly. Which we all know, is the number one quality I seek in a man. And who knew? Dating just for fun. . .huhn. . .look at that. . .

Questions that Shouldn't be Asked...

Sorry there haven't been any new posts lately. I've been working round the clock preparing for my very first jury trial. As for me2insav, I don't know what her excuse is. I know what she did this weekend. Anyway, I digress.

So I've been working all weekend long, putting in ridiculous hours. It's what lawyers do. Particularly first year lawyers. Particularly first year litigation attorneys.

And honestly, I didn't really mind working 8 hours on Saturday and another 8 on Sunday because I do find the law interesting, and I'm excited about getting to handle a jury trial so soon (I've only been a lawyer for about 9 months, only licensed for about 7 months). But obviously, it now being Tuesday and me having had no real weekend, I'm tired. I'm beginning to develop a bit of a cold (always makes me cranky), and as if that weren't enough, the boyfriend is being a bit of shithead (a story for another post).

But up until last night, I was keeping my spirits fairly high, looking for the positive in everything and all that crap. Then I got the news, my friend, who is also an attorney, just got her first review and her first pay bump. We've been practicing for the same amount of time now, but I put in WAY more hours than her and practice in a much more stressful area of the law. Now don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for her, and she totally deserves this raise, but I'm pretty sure that I am now the lowest paid attorney I know, which seems all the more unfair since I know I'm far from the least hard working attorney I know.

I have now been reminded how salary discussions rank right up there with discussions about your boyfriend's ex's in the category of "questions you don't really want the answers to"...

My Nemesis

Ladies, I have arrived. Apparently, I have a nemesis. This person is a shorter, dumpier, less cute, more cynical and negative version of me (and when I say "version of me" I mean we both have brown hair and brown eyes). She went to law school with me, and I am just now picking up on a pattern of things that never quite go as well for her as for me, as she relays them to other people. Example, we went to the same hairdresser in Athens, and she went to my girl here once too: of both, she says, "Yeah, I went to the same person as Molly, but my hair just never looks as good as hers." Apparently, that is a theme in her life: I'm just as good as Molly, but I never quite do as well as she does, with jobs, with guys, with hair, with whatever.

This person has told me two stories in the last couple months, with much glee, about people I have dated. The first was a story of my boyfriend of 2 years, whom I had just broken up with. Apparently, he hooked up with another girl in law school about the time we started dating. She's been gleefully waiting for the right moment to reveal this for two years. Still not sure it's totally true. Secondly, last night she revealed to me that she knew it was "over" with Scott like a week before I did. As I pieced together the puzzle, I realize that if her story is true, there were several conversations we had after she allegedly "knew" it was "over," that make NO SENSE whatsoever, including an email she sent me asking how things were going with us.

She was either deliberately hiding her knowledge, or she made up what she "knew" after the fact (I suspect the latter). I really think this is what happened. She emailed me to ask how things were going, I emailed back, he's an ass, I'll fill you in later. She tells her male buddy who likes to gossip like a little girl, "Hey things are sour with Molly and Scott. Find out what happened from [Scott's friend who went to law school with us.]" Giddy-like-a-girl goes to Mutual Friend and Mutual Friend (who is not giddy like a girl) says something like, "I don't know. Were they still talking? I don't really keep up with what's going on with them." Giddy goes back and says, "[Mutual Friend] says they weren't even going out!!!" Hence, she "knew" that we were "over" for at least some length of time prior to her email to me. Either that of Mutual Friend volunteered in the course of conversation to Giddy that he didn't know if we were going out (again, cause Scott and MF don't gossip like girls) and Giddy took it to mean we were "over." And Nemesis lives through other people's lives, so she took much glee in her inside knowledge.

The plot has since thickened. Another female friend just revealed to me that Nemesis has made comments to her like in the vein of "oh no, it's happened again," that "I met this guy, but just my luck, he's already met Molly." This happened with JAG lawyer guy, and apparently, I am putting together now that Nemesis exhibited signs of liking Scott before I went out with him. Well, Nemesis, he's all yours. Now that I am out of the picture, you should be able to land him, right??

(Those who know Nemesis know that no, this will not be happening. . .while I am a convenient excuse for her not being able to land the guys she wants, in reality, she would have no trouble being rejected by them on her own. Is that ugly? Cause she's NOT CUTE, and her personality, rather than compensating for, detracts from, her appearance. I'm sorry, I'm just a little bitter I realize that she's been scheming and gossiping behind my back.)

On a lighter note...

A group of girlfriends and I recently decided to start a "dinner club" where we would get together once a week for dinner at someone's house, taking turns hosting (and cooking). And when the idea originated, I thought it would be a great way to make sure I saw these girls on a regular basis. Sort of scheduled "girl time".

But when it rolled around last night, I was overwhelmed at work and thinking, "how am I going to find time for this every week?" Not wanting to bail last minute though, I rushed to Natalie's house, albeit a few minutes late... We ate. We drank. We talked. We laughed. We laughed some more.

And I was reminded of two things:
1. How important it is to MAKE time for friends, especially when life's other obligations seem overwhelming.
2. How wonderful girlfriends are.

I'm working on about 4 hours sleep today, but I feel as fresh as can be... all because of a home cooked meal and a few hours spent with the girls. Can't wait until next week.

Honesty

Have you ever had to hurt someone's feelings, tell them something that you knew was going to break their heart? And when you told them, you could actually feel their heart breaking, hear it in the tone of their voice? And no matter how long you thought about which words to use or how to best break it to the person, there was just simply no avoiding the inevitable hurt it was going to cause them...

Last night I had one of those conversations. I hurt someone's feelings with pure honesty. I tried to deliver it as kindly and compassionately as possible. It was a message that simply couldn't go any longer without being delivered.

And it did, in fact, break the person's heart. I could hear it in their voice. I could feel it in their words... and it broke mine too. My heart actually, physically hurt throughout the conversation. My heart still hurts now.

I play back my words, knowing I could not have chosen softer words that would've lessened the hurt.

I play back the other persons words, knowing just how much hurt they carried, wishing I could take it away.

Meet the Parents

Also, the boyfriend met the mother this weekend. Reference earlier posts for an idea of what a scary and crucial meeting this was. Thankfully, he appears to have survived the first meeting.

She met him Saturday night, then Sunday night for dinner. She said he was nice and funny. He said the same of her. We are clearly still in the pleasantries phase.

I hope we stay there for some time.

The Home Buying Process...

I already hate it... and yes, hate is a strong word. But I do, in fact, HATE the home buying process!

The third house I looked at was absolutely perfect. Needed some work, but it was way underpriced for the very charming, historic Marietta area, and it had endless potential! I'm sure you can see where this is going... so my mother and the realtor tell me I need to look at more houses before "settling" on this one. We look. Each house only reaffirming how perfect "my house", as we will call it, really was. Finally, two hours later, the realtor calls the listing agent to get more info on it... it's under contract.

I then spent the rest of the weekend looking at things that were either (a) nasty, (b) the size of my closet, (c) way overpriced, or (d) all of the above. I feel completely deflated.

I hate this process.

Hello? Inappropriate Drunk Dial

Ok, so I went to bed early last night in preparation for the multitudinous things I had going on for the weekend. I am now up early and on my way to pilates (go me!). However, I did take my cell phone to bed with me, for 2 reasons. I wanted to see if my prediction about sketchy Mike calling proved true (he's the guy from 2 months ago that I drunk dialed last weekend to tell him how his sketchy friend was either trying to hit on me or c$#@-block me, as I was trying to talk to Keith instead. . .I couldn't decide why you would try to hit on someone that you knew had hooked up with your friend, but whatever. . .). I weighed whether or not finding out if Mike would call me was worth waking me up, but I decided when I could tell him that no, I wouldn't meet him at XYZ bar, it would be worth it. I also wanted to see if Keith would call (whew! he didn't, further entrenching my belief that he is not skethcy and knows better than to call a girl at 1 AM from a bar).

But guess who did call? A guy from 2 months ago, that I met in a bar, that I never took home, who called me later the night I met him and a few days later and we talked for maybe like 30-45 minutes. He seemed nice enough, but I decided I wasn't really interested. But I didn't have to tell him we weren't on the same page because. . .he quit calling. Ok fine. He tried to get me to come out with him, like bar-hopping, one time, but I used the convenient excuse that my family was in town (they had, in reality, left that morning, and I used the excuse to go out and meet Sketchy Mike at a bar instead of this guy, Chad. Incidentally, that was also the night I met Scott. Oh, how it all falls together). So, he hasn't called in like 2 months. What is UP with that? You meet a nice girl who doesn't go home with you, doesn't meet you out at a bar the time you ask her to, and you then decide that it is somehow appropriate to call her at 1:20 AM from a bar 2 months later. He said he'd bee "out of town" or some such nonsense. Since I was obviously sleeping, he let me go, and will call me today. I'm not sure I'll be answering. I need to change his number to "unavailable" in my phone so I recognize it when he calls (Incidentally, when he called, I was like, why do I know this number? I never even put him in my phone).

People who just can't stop talking...

I just met one of my clients, who is perhaps the nicest man on Earth. He's truly a pleasure to meet and speak to... for about the first 20 minutes. After that, you want to slit your wrists because he just will not shut up. He goes on and on about anything and everything. And the problem is, you can't be rude and cut him off, because he's just so nice.

This got me thinking about what a problem it is that people often, in many settings, simply talk too much. For example,

1. The person who tries to tell too many stories and doesn't recognize that most conversations have a set purpose. You are talking for the sole purpose of exchanging certain information. That should be done with relative efficiency and then the conversation should be over.

2. The person who tries to make every conversation turn back to being about them. Everything you say is met with a story about them, or a similar problem they're having, or just them expressing their opinions about your situation.

3. The person who can't keep a secret.

4. The person who has no filter and thus doesn't have the social grace to keep certain thoughts purely internal as they should be.

5. The person who just rambles incessantly. Perhaps out of nervousness or lack of focus or who knows what, but they just chatter away cluelessly and expect others to either care about what they're saying or to at least not be irritated by the idle chatter.


In essence, I have decided that the root of all evil in this world lies in people not knowing when to shut up. I include myself in this statement as well. But my service announcement to my readers today is -- speak less. Most likely, half of what you say will either be unwanted, offensive, distracting, hurtful, or just an inane waste of someone's time and energy to listen to.

Ironic point seeing as I'm currently pontificating unsolicited thoughts for public consumption. Nice, huh?

24 y/o Keith is NOT SKETCHY

Yippee! He called me today at 5:45 (because I told him yesterday that's about what time I get off). He is on his way to his dinner thing. So we talk for a few minutes, and he says "what are you doing this weekend?" "Well," I say, "nothing set in stone, I think I'm supposed to go out with a girl I work with and her friends on Saturday night, but that's really all. What about you?" So he says, "Well, some of the engineers in town for this thing are staying around this weekend to hang out. . .so maybe we could do something Sunday, worst case scenario?" Coyly, I said, "Yeah, that's cool, I'd like to get together. What did you have in mind?" So he says, "I don't know, haven't thought about it. Whatever, we could go to the beach or something. It doesn't matter." (But in a, whatever you want to do, kind of way, not a, I don't make plans, kind of way.) So I say, "Oh actually, I do have to go to this BBQ on Sunday, what are you doing Saturday, are you going to the beach then?" "Well I have this golf tournament thing in the morning, but I might go after that, sure." So I said, "Well it looks like we're both just really busy this week." "Yeah, this week has definitely been crazy for me." (But he doesn't give up.) He says, "What time does your BBQ end on Sunday?" "Like, about 5 probably." "Well, how about we definitely make plans to hang out then? So. . .I'll call you like Saturday?" "Ok," I said, "maybe we can see about the beach Saturday depending on what time you get done."

So, a) he has made an effort to make in advance plans with me, that b) do not include meeting up at a bar, although he and I will definitely both be at them this weekend, and that would've been easy, and c) he is not relegated to weekend days. I feel triumphant. For what, I don't know. But I feel good, even though I may not see him til Sunday. I'd like to give a shout-out to Me for all her dating advice and all the readers of this blog for putting up with my obsessive posts.

Am I less desirable because I come in increments of one?

Problem: I have this friend who is married. She is a really sweet girl and one of my only "girlfriends" here in Savannah. When we met, she was very excited because she had just moved here as well and wanted to have some girlfriends to do girly things with. Her husband is cool too, and I would like to hang out with her and do my nails as much as hang out with both of them whenever I go out in a group (which is mixed company, frequently, so it would seem appropriate). Ok, here's the problem:

1) She's sort of a flake. Every time for the last couple weeks I've called her to do something, there's this, "Oh I have to see what my husband is doing." Which is fine, sometimes, but sometimes, NO, you don't have to see what he's doing. Does he do things without you? You can do things without him, especially when you make plans in advance to do so and inform him of such. In fact, the one time I had a bunch of girls in town, she went out with us and then husband misunderstood her instructions and came to pick her up earlier than she wanted to go, and she lamented that she didn't stay out with us longer!

2) When she does hang out, she hangs out with other couples. Like, LOTS of other couples. I don't want to be the only single person hanging out with them, even though I'm invited. Especially in view of the fact that one of the female halves of the couple (who I've met once or twice) this friend says nothing but bad things about: "Oh, she talks so bad about everyone, I just don't really trust her, I wonder what she says about me behind my back, she's not a very good girlfriend." I actually suggested that she invite this girl out with us once and that was the response I got.
Sometimes, I do go out and hang out with them. I don't feel as weird being a 5th wheel (or even a 3rd) as I do being a 7th or 9th wheel. It just seems like everytime I ask this friend to do something, there is some "couple" conflict. And I think, ok, why don't you instead make plans with me for another time in advance right now, to avoid there being a conflict?

3) It sort of hurts my feelings the extent to which she and her husband hang out with these people and not me. Again, I know I'm single, but for instance. . .I had this girl over one night at my house, I made pizza and dessert and we did our nails and watched a movie. Last night, I called her, and she and her husband had another couple over for dinner. Well, that's nice. I've NEVER been invited over for dinner. I might sort of like to be. Am I less desirable as a guest because I come in increments of one? But I treat her the way I want to be treated (the time I invited her over. . .and usually, most times, in fact, I invite the husband too, if he wants to come, especially if it's a mixed group of us going out).

Two more things: I invited her and some other girls out to try and plan a "girls night" this week to go see "Mean Girls." She responded basically, well, I don't know about Friday, because I might be going to a concert with my husband. Then another friend suggested Sunday. So I emailed that around. Then it was, "Well I definitely can't do Sunday." I basically emailed back and said, "Well you maybe can't do Friday either, so do you think that is a realistic possibility?" You know, before I structure things around that? So then, it was, you don't have to wait on me to make plans. So then, I was like, hey, not trying to be an ass. I just want as many girls to be able to come as possible (I only sent the email to like 5 people). Girls Night isn't Girls night if the GIRLS aren't able to come! Grrr. If we need to reschedule for next week, fine. . .but I'm not going to plan it for a time no one can come!

Also, she then responds. . .well, I'm not going to the concert anymore but I forgot I promised "the couples" that I would meet then in city market Friday early evening for dinner. Again, blown off because of the couples (who she was hanging out with last week when I had my "not on the same page" crisis). So, ok, you couldn't commit to plans with me because of X conflict, but now, you forgot you already promised to do Y with someone else, which you're committing to. So, she says she wants "girlfriends" but she seems to only hang out with these people as part of a couple, even in view of the fact that she's basically admitted to me that at least one of these girls isn't her favorite person. Great! Go hang out with her and her boyfriend more then, and blow me off. It's really starting to bug me.

Ok it's been several days since I had an obsessive guy post

This one's not obsessive, just irritating. Ok, so 24 year old Keith, as he will always be known, called me Sunday, as Me revealed in comments somewhere below. I was in Atlanta going to to meet Me for dinner so the conversation was short, maybe 10 minutes. I asked if I could call him back, and he said sure, but this week was sort of crazy cause they're having this training thing for his company and they're going to dinner several nights this week, he said Monday Tuesday and Thursday. Well, so then, I said, "Why don't you call me back this week when you get a chance then?"

So even though I had said that, I took a chance and called him last night about 9:30, and left him a message, "Hey it's Molly, I know you're going to call me when you get a chance, but just thought I'd try to catch you. I'll look forward to hearing from you tomorrow, I think you said that you didn't have dinner plans with your company that night. . ." I wanted to reiterate that I wanted to hear from him, since our first conversation was so short. So, sure enough, he calls me at the stroke of 5 today. I am clearly still at work. But after establishing that I will not "get in trouble" for chatting with him, we talk about 10 minutes, and then I ask if I can call him back, is he going to be around in a bit. Sure, he says, he may go to the gym, but he should be back after that. So I call at like 8:45 and leave a message, and he hasn't called back. Hello, phone tag much? Now, the boy is calling me, and it seems that he's calling me at regular enough intervals and returning calls and all that, but damn, now we go back to tomorrow where he has this dinner engagement again. . .and he didn't call back tonight. . .is it wrong and/or unlikely and/or ridiculous to hope that he catches me tomorrow, even if only for a few moments, to make plans with me for the weekend? Cause clearly we're incapable of having more than a few minutes' worth of conversation.

There is no question here. I know that I'm doing the polite thing and returning calls and not making myself too available. I resisted the urge to call at 10:45 and remind him of my and Sadie's bedtime. And he did call right at 5 today, which is pretty forward (and not too terribly "breezy"), so if he really wants to get in touch with me tomorrow, looks like he's not afraid to do so, even if it means calling at a semi-sketchy time (like, during work hours). Thoughts? I just really sort of like the 24 y/o, and I'd like to hang out this weekend! (Although I have been forbidden from asking, "So when are you taking me out?" which is fine, since I don't have time to squeeze that in anyway! ;-)

Andy McAnderson coming to you live from Atlanta...

OK, so everyone has been complimentary of my haircut so far... but I've decided I look like a TV news anchor. And no offense to TV news anchors, but my haircut is just a little too perfectly bobbed.

This is not the look of a wanton sex kitten... Not even the look of a hip young female attorney...

This is the look of a tight-assed, country-club-frequenting socialite... or news anchor.

I am going back tomorrow morning for more layers, more razoring, more chunkiness, and just generally more "funk" to this hair style.

I can't figure out how to post my picture for you guys to see the new "do". If anyone else knows how to, let me know.

Things you have to go buy right now

Ok, after diligently following the information in my Shape magazine regarding summer hair removal, I discovered two products everyone must go buy RIGHT NOW:

Remington Bikini Hair Trimmer: ok, ladies, who are we kidding? It's a glorified beard trimmer, and I'm sorry if that's TMI, but this is an AMAZING PRODUCT. My "area" has never been neater. It's idiot proof. The comb attachment is friendly to the ladies' special areas, and it's WAY BETTER than using a regular old beard trimmer. Seriously, I feel so neat and attractive, I'll be using this in the winter when bathing suit season has long passed us by. 5 length settings.

Veet razorless depilatory set: Not a Nair fan, but this really works (the bladeless razor is what makes the difference?) My legs feel so smooth.

Go to Walmart now. The Bikini Hair Trimmer especially. You'll wonder how you lived without it. I already do. It was like $18. What a steal!!

Guys and hair...

What is it with guys and liking long hair?

I have a hair appointment tonight, and although my hair is currently quite long (shoulder blade length), I've been contemplating returning to a short, tossled old-Meg Ryan type hair-style for several months now. I'm a little hesitant myself. Long hair is so easy to throw into a ponytail or twist up in a clip. But it's also more work to wash and style, I tend to "shed" more hair when its long, it's hotter, etc.

But the boyfriend is vehemently against me cutting my hair. He likes it long... He's only seen it long, but he becomes whiny and pouty at even the suggestion that I might one day cut it... OK, maybe I'm exxagerating, but he does always respond with, "Please don't cut your hair."

Which leads to my question... why? Why do guys seem to always prefer long hair?

Dilemna of the day

Mother is coming to town this weekend to help me begin shopping for my first "home", as in the first home that I will own. For weeks now I've been pulling listings, researching neighborhoods, watching prices on certain house, checking tax records, etc. in an effort to learn the market and figure out what I want. But as the time approaches to actually go find something, I'm feeling really conflicted still.

On one hand, I think a condo would be a good "first home". They tend to be less expensive, their a smaller space to be responsible for, they typically have homeowner's associations to take care of things like outside maintenance, and then there's the fact that I think I'll feel somewhat safer with neighbors closer by.

But on the other hand, a condo does sort of feel like an apartment. It'd be nice to buy a house with a little extra room, a yard that I could tinker in, perhaps an extra bedroom or two that I could "grow into" over the next few years. Houses tend to be easier to sell, and they also don't entail a monthly homeowner's fee (though I'm sure that money would get spent on things like lawn care and repairs).

One week I'm completely set on one thing, and then a week later, I am completely set on the other. Last week it was a condo. This week I'm hankering for a house.

Perhaps I need to just go actually see some of the listing and see what "feels right". It's just such a big decision... and then there are all the other decisions -- what neighborhood, how many bedrooms do I need, how much mortgage do I want to take on, fixed rate loan or ARM?

Aaaggh... I know this is supposed to be a fun and exciting "step" in my life, but it's friggin' stressing me out!

Monday factoid...

It's amazing how extreme, excruciating pain can totally override any embarassment that would normally accompany a situation where you bust your ass in front of a large group of strangers.

Say for example that one were to slip on a small puddle of water while at Taco Mac last night. Say this were to be done right in front of a group of about 6 relatively attractive 20-30 year old men...

Ordinarily that would be pretty mortifying.

But when said fall entails landing directly onto a hard concrete/tile floor, impacting first with the right knee, then skidding slightly on the left knee as it makes contact, then slamming down upon ones hands... the feeling that your knee caps may have actually just been ripped right off your knees pretty much overwhelms any embarassment you might otherwise expect to feel.

Just so you know...

WANTED: CUTE BOYS TO WOO AND PURSUE

Ok, I've almost fully recovered. And I've handled the entire situation very gracefully, I must say (go me!). Scott dropped my dishes off on my doorstep (he had taken leftovers home from my Italian feast) with a note. Something like, Just wanted to get these back to you. Didn't want to risk waking you. Scott. I in turn sent him an email. Hey thanks for the dishes, I got them. You wouldn't have woken me, my mom is in town and we're up. Hey really, Scott, no hard feelings, just glad I know what's going on, I was sort of in limbo. But you should not hesitate to call me or knock on my door or drop off dishes. You shouldn't feel weird, I don't, and I hope you don't. Hope to hear from you sometime. Something like that. Grace, beauty, poise. That's me. It says, "you're awkward, you feel weird, you dropped off dishes on my doorstep. . .I am non-plussed and gorgeous, and you will never ever get to see me naked again."

So, the point of this post is. . .I am announcing for all I DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND. Being single is too fun, as long as I don't fall too hard for any one person. I met a boy Friday, who I think will call me, and he is a good kisser. I have a date lined up tentatively for next week with another lawyer in town, who has a boat, and seems to be very interested in pursuing me, as I have put him off for several weeks now and still he persists. I also drunk-dialed the guy who was a jerk to me before Scott (not to hook up, he was out of town, which I knew because I ran into his friends, and I was calling him to tell him how sketchy his friend was. . .); that guy called me back, wanted to definitely know about his sketchy friend and wants to "catch up" with me. The weirdness with him has apparently dissipated and in time, it will with Scott too. This town is just too small to have weirdness with anyone. . .you'll wind up running into someone who knows someone, as I did with this guy's friends Friday night, for instance, so I just have to continue to handle myself well, and NEVER EVER continue talking to a boy who is not making a legitimate effort to date me, really date me, call me up and ask me on dates. I am done with that. And 8 boys are better than one, which is why BOYFRIEND is not in my near future. The next man I call that will have to be one that I am head-over-heels for and can really see myself with for some time in the future. And more importantly, he will be head-over-heels for me. Cause that's what I want and deserve, and I'm willing to wait for it.

Nutsac-less Sleaze

How could I have been so stupid? That's how I'm feeling today. I mean, I knew that the chances of him pulling this out were slim, but I did not foresee the complete lack of emotion, the sleaziness, the nutsaclessness. . .he came down hard on me, told me it wasn't how I thought, and the funny thing is, I'M the one who forced his hand, who confronted him and said what's going on, and ONLY THEN did he give me a straight answer. Wow, you're not only a sleaze, you're a sleaze with no ballsac. How do I attract these men? And worse. . .how did I NOT know what was going on here?

The conversation went something like this:
"Hey Molly what's going on?"
"I called to ask you the same thing."
"Well, I'm hanging out with my cousin. . ."
"No, Scott, that's not what I mean. . .we haven't talked in a long time."
"Ugh, er, um, er, . . .yeah, I really don't know what to say." (More um-ing and er-ing.)
"I mean, I really thought you might call me and make plans with me this week sometime, to maybe hang out this weekend."
"Well, um, er. . .I'm not available tonight, but. . .I really don't know what to say."
"Ok, well let me talk then, since you seem to be having trouble. Listen, I really like hanging out with you and I think you like hanging out with me. But it's like you call me all the time, and then when you call, it's like you want to hang out, but you don't really know how to make plans, and it's last minute, and I know we haven't really established if we're "dating" but you know, I just really don't feel good about this and I really think that if we're going to continue on, I need to feel like a little more of a priority, I've just felt really lousy all week and I'm not trying to lock you in or say let's be exclusive, at all, I just don't know about this last minute, half-assed, hook-up shit we've been doing. . ."
"Yeah, I guess we're really not on the same page. I'm sorry I didn't make that more clear."
"Ok, well, no that's good to know then. It's a weight off my mind."
"Well, it's been fun. . .so. . ."
"Yeah, no, and you know, I don't want you to have to feel awkward, we have X friend in common, and I'm sure we'll see each other, and I mean, if you ever want to hang out, you can still call me, and I'll. . .just know not to take you to bed from now on. . .so. . .ok, well, I'll talk to you later. . ."

At least I handled myself well. I didn't cry (to him). And honestly, the combination of "we're not on the same page" and "it's been fun" will live on in bad relationship urban legends for years (psst. . .that's the girl who had the guy tell her "it's been fun. . ." "NO!! I thought that was a relationship urban legend!!") You guys, am I an idiot?! I feel like one. How could I have been SO WRONG about a guy? How could I have not seen what a sleaze he was? I mean, I could justify why he hadn't really asked me out so far (up until this week, of course, when I started to clue in something was wrong). And he was calling me ALL THE TIME, again, up until this week. And he was hanging out with me, and we weren't hooking up every time, and it's not like he ALWAYS spent the night, he didn't. He called me from friggin' Talladega!! Anyway, Bruce said I didn't clue in because "he's good at what he does." (Shout out to Bruce for sounding angry enough to beat the guy's ass by the way.) Ok, I'm mostly over it. So two lessons have been learned here: never date guys under 30, and don't drink so much you black out.

So I promptly went out and broke rule number 1 last night. His name is Keith, he's 24, and he has dimples. Yum. We made out at Bar Bar. And my friend April made out with his friend ROMEO, I kid you not, that was his name. (Imagine asking a guy in a bar, what's you name? Romeo. Are you f-ing kidding me?)

I don't think I want this anymore. . .

Ok, so he never called. I mean, I knew on Wednesday he wouldn't call Thursday because of the Friends Finale and my little party, and his poker game. I knew that I could probably expect a call this afternoon (Friday by the way) and that I was going to have to just tell him how completely unacceptable this type of behavior was and that I really could not feel good about dating him if I felt like such a low priority that he couldn't even call in the middle of the week to make plans for the weekend. Now, you're thinking, "obviously, he's already made that determination, Molly, that you're not dating and/or that he doesn't want to be dating and/or that that is not his intention at all." And I would wholeheartedly agree. . .except for the emails. . .

Apparently, emailing became a good substitute for calling this week, several light, fun, talking about Must-See TV Will & Grace emails were exchanged this week, the last one (yesterday, Thursday) ending with "So what are you doing this weekend?" Now, is that a polite way of saying, "I hope you already have plans that don't include me." Or is that a way of gauging whether I might be able to see him? If it's the first. . .stop emailing. . .and calling. . .me. If it's the latter, are you F-ing kidding me?? Why haven't you called before now? If you wanted to see me this weekend?

The sad thing is. . .after planning out exactly how cool-headed and rational and yet, getting my point across, I'm going to be with him this afternoon when he calls (or before the weekend is over, when he calls). . .you guys, there is NOTHING he could possibly do to make me feel better right now, today. And that just makes me sad. It would've meant everything if he'd called Wednesday. But he didn't, and it's just too late. If he absolutely kissed my behind this afternoon, apologized profusely, begged to make plans with me for tonight, I would still have to say no to get my point across, and then I'm not free again until next Tuesday. Today, from the perspective of me and Scott, is going to suck. I am pissed off at him for RUINING an opportunity to making me feel like I was on my way to becoming his girlfriend.

I'm not sure I want this anymore. . .I mean, a guy who makes me feel like that without just KNOWING the subtle, stupid little things it takes to make me happy. What could be MORE CLEAR than that he was supposed to ask me out this week? To show me that we're not just screwing around. . .guess what, Scott, we're not going to date now either.

Thoughts of a worn out mind...

Most kids day dream about doing cool, interesting things with their lives. For example, I have cousins who range in age from 8 to 13. In a recent family gathering, the adults asked my cousins what they wanted to be when they grew up. They're answers were...

Patrick, age 8 -- a "bug scientist"
Emily, age 10 -- a pianist or a ballerina
John, age 11 -- a professional motorcross rider
Brent, age 13 -- a writer
Bobby, age 13 -- a pilot

In hearing my mother tell this story and laugh about the prospect of my cousins becoming these things... a "bug scientist"? ...it occurred to me that I never had any such whimsical career dreams as a child.

When I was 3, I wanted to sell watermelon at a fruit stand because I loved watermelon. By about 7, I wanted to be a lawyer because... to be honest, I don't know why. I don't remember what prompted the dream back then, and now that I am a lawyer, I'm having a hard time remembering what prompted the dream even four years ago when I applied to law school.

It's really all I've ever dreamed of becoming, and yet... as I sit here thinking about what I'd like to do with my life, this isn't it.

The O.C.

You know, sometimes, I think "Damn, I'm upset Scott hasn't called today, when I felt certain he would." But then I think about what poor Marissa must be going through. She and Ryan seem to have just gotten their relationship back together when Teresa, Ryan's ex-girlfriend who he recently had a fling with when he and Marissa broke up for like a week, winds up pregnant. Granted, it's probably Eddie's, Teresa's ex-fiancee, but there was so much knockin' boots going on around that time, who knows? Now Ryan's leaving Orange County and going back to Chino, where Teresa can go to raise the baby and be with her family, sending everyone in the O.C. into a tailspin. Did I mention it's probably not even his? Poor Marissa.

Seriously, why hasn't he called? He is breaking his pattern. He has called on Tuesday or Wednesday for the last couple weeks, and now this is first legitimate weekend to really ask me out. He emailed yesterday and we have established that we both have mutually exclusive plans for tomorrow therefore. . .he is supposed to call today and ask me out for Friday. Surely something happened. He left his phone somewhere. Time got away from him. This is the man who calls to tell me he can't call. His email was signed "Talk to you soon." What is going on here?? I am trying not to freak out, but it is 10:08 and he is a 7 or 9 caller. Seriously, I feel like death. Just when I was so self-assured. . .help, comfort. . .anyone??

But seriously, that sucks about Marissa and Ryan and Teresa's illegitimate baby. Honestly, I think that girl is trash, not because of the illegitimate baby, but how can she bring Ryan into this when she's not even sure it's his. . .knowing he's in love with Marissa who is lamentably still living in Orange County. . . without him. . .sniff. Well, if Scott was waiting for the O.C. to end, we know it has and he should call soon.

Ironic Word of the Day...

Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day

verjuice • \VER-joos\ • noun
*1 : the sour juice of crab apples or of unripe fruit (as grapes or apples); also : an acid liquor made from verjuice
2 : acidity of disposition or manner

A Woman's Worth...

I have this friend who is systematically self-destructing. She is one of the most impressive people I know. Bright and beautiful. Accomplished and interesting. She's got everything going for her... except one thing. She hates herself.

She doesn't like the way she looks. And even beyond her looks, she feels "not good enough". She is embarassed about her job, her salary, the fact that she's single, and the fact that she rents rather than owns her home. She feels like she should be further along in her life, and she worries what people must think of her that she isn't.

The real irony is that she keeps spiralling further and further into depression. She just can't seem to get ahead. And yet, having watched her perpetuate this cycle for some time now, I can say with complete certainty that she IS dead-ended for only one reason... her attitude.

She doesn't believe in herself. She expects life to let her down, and she approaches every situation with that attitude. Not surprisingly, that negativity, cynicism and hurt come through in everything she does. She doesn't realize it. She thinks she's hiding it at the appropriate times. But self-hatred is one of those things that you can never completely cover up. And so frequently, opportunities pass her by, in favor of someone with a happier outlook. And she just spirals further down the cycle.

For all my friends... just a reminder that life is not so much about reaching certain destinations. It's not about acquiring things - material things or even statuses. It's about the journey. We may look forward to getting married or having children, owning a home, maybe even reaching some professional goal. But life isn't just about enjoying those few moments where goals are realized. It's about enjoying the scenery on the way there too, and very often, enjoying the scenery even when we fall short of a goal.

Our worth is not measured by our salary, job title, the measure of your waistline or even your marital status. Our worth is measured by how often we smile or laugh today and how many others we help to smile or laugh. So to all my friends, please smile and laugh today and try to enjoy the day for where you're at in your life right this minute, rather than worrying about how different you would like for things to be.

Reunion update...

Just returned from the reunion, and as predicted, the very best part was seeing who got fat and ugly. For example:

Best friend from high school that slept with my high school sweetheart while I was dating him and while we were best friends -- still ugly and bug-eyed (she really is/was, I'm not JUST being hateful); joyfully even uglier now somehow; sadly, she did not get fat, though given the A-line, long skirt she was wearing, I'm not so sure that she wasn't covering up some nasty cellulite on those thighs. ;)

Aforementioned slutty ex-friend's current husband -- way fat and way dorky... and short. Tee hee. She has to go home to THAT every night. There is justice in the world.

Other highlights of the night...
Number of times I overheard guys lustfully say to each other, "Who is THAT?" when referring to me... 4.
Number of guys who asked if I was single, then gave me their business cards... 6.
Number of classmates who had more impressive jobs than me... 1... maybe.
Number of classmates that were arguably as thin and attractive as me... 4... maximum.

All in all, I now feel that the last 10 years have been well spent.

When it's ok to Text Message

Since Text Messaging is like mine and ME's new favorite thing, I have to go over some text message etiquette that I've learned in, like, you know, the last week. Why is it good to text message?

1) Text messaging is less intrusive. Instead of a ring, you get just a beep on your phone. If the person you're messaging is in a meeting or a public place, or sleeping, a text message is far less obnoxious that the steps needed to leave a voice message (i.e. a ringing phone).

2) Text messaging is more private. If you want to text message someone about the wacky green mohawked guy on the subway across from you, you don't want to do that out loud.

3) Text messaging DOES take longer, unless you're really swift of key. However, if you have a limited signal, that won't "hold out" long enough for a voice message (or will only deliver a very static-y voice message), text messaging is a good substitute. Like when ME was at the beach the other day and kept getting cut off from me. This is one of the best uses of text messaging, frankly.

4) It's great for bars where you can't hear the other person, "What?! Where are you?!" Text message him/her saying "I'm in front of Wet Willie's."

So, for those of you who have been making fun of me for using Text messaging, it really does have a place in our society. I hope I've made you all more aware.

What's up with no one leaving any comments on my blog post from Sunday? Is it too long to read? I'm offended.

Dating or Just Screwing Around? (The Longest Blog Post Ever)

This is like my on-line diary. It's great. 'Cause it's 8:41 AM, no one is up but me that I could call and gush about last night to. Well, to bring you up to speed, Scottie was not exactly coming through in the way I wanted, but I think he is now. Long story short, I was out of town Thursday night, I got in about 9:15 PM Friday night, and last night, I had plans from like a month back to go to my neighbor's birthday party. So, with all of that, it wasn't really the appropriate week for Scott to ask me on a date, cause I had all these other things going on. So, we hung out on Wednesday, and yesterday, Saturday, he did call, and he said that he had plans to hang out with a friend and then, he wanted to go downtown and hear a DJ. So, I was a little put out that he wasn't really inviting me. I mean, I thought he was implicitly, but I just wanted him to say it: "I really want to see you tonight, so if you get done hanging out at your party, why don't you go do 'X' with me?" I hung up the phone with him totally frustrated but really trying to be "cool." I also let him know that he'd be welcome to come to Jane's party with me for a few minutes, and he didn't really bite on that either. So, I did end up calling him back a few hours later and saying "Hey listen, I really want to go see that DJ too, so call me when you head this way, I'll have my cell at Jane's." (I actually did really want to see the DJ after doing some on-line research and talking to a friend of mine who's a DJ.)

So, he did call. And I called him back a few minutes later, and he was already downtown. So, I feigned disappointment, "Oh really, I was hoping you could come by and get me." He said, "Well, I was just up that way. . .I could come back." "Do you mind?" "No, not at all." So I made him come back and get me. And then when he got here, he wanted to go in to my party for a few minutes. Then, all was forgiven, I was completely enamored of and in adoration of him once more. And we hung out and drank wine and talked and mingled for a few minutes. And then, he was like, "Let's get out of here." It was quite possibly the most assertive thing he's ever said, so I of course complied. We went downtown, we didn't actually see the DJ because the line to get in the bar wasn't moving, and although I did want to, he suggested we get a drink somewhere else and see what was happening in a few minutes (then, the line still hadn't moved, so we went to another bar). After a couple drinks and a couple bars and me being thoroughly intoxicated (although not so much I didn't know what I was doing, but enough that I could say to him exactly what I was thinking), we went back to my house. And those who know me, know what happened there.

So I asked him last night, in my drunkenly honest state, "So are we dating or just screwing around?" He laughed. I unwisely gave him a third option. "Or do you not want to talk about it right now?" "I don't want to talk about it right now," he said with a smile.

(By the way, in the vein of ME's post about not asking questions you don't already know the answer to, or that you don't want to know the answer to, I both think I know the answer to this question, and want to confirm that he thinks the same thing. . .that we are, in fact, dating. And I do think that's the answer to this question he doesn't want to talk about. Which is why I am confident enough to ask it. I don't really need the answer from him at this moment, but only to plant the seed in his mind. And him not wanting to answer the question does not change the fact that we are dating.)

So when he got up to leave this morning (at an obscenely early time, might I add), I said, "Are you leaving?" "Yeah, I'm really restless." I said, "Well, I don't want you to leave. And besides, we don't have to SLEEP," with a mischievious grin. He laughed and said he'd stay a few more minutes (which turned into like an hour and a half).

So, I asked him, again "Didn't I ask you if we were dating or just screwing around, and didn't you give me a funny, smart-ass answer, last night?"
He said, "I took the third option."
"I gave you options? What, was it like multiple choice??"
Laughter at my endearing funniness. . ."no, I said I didn't want to talk about it."
"Ok." Pause. "Do you want to talk about it now?"
"No."
"Ok." Pause. "Maybe we could screw around now instead."
Laughter. "Alright, we could do that."

This may sound like an out-of-control situation that I've gotten myself into, but I assure you all, I'm as content and confident about the state of the situation as I ever have been about a fledging relationship. I was thinking the other day about an ex-boyfriend that I dated in college, and I just can't even describe to you the level of confidence and assuredness that I had about the situation from the very beginning. To give you an idea how wonderfully naive and innocent I was at this fresh stage of my life before time and mean boys had done things to me, I told this boyfriend "I love you" at an obscenely early time. Like, a month. And I did. I fell head over heels for him, and just from the beginning, we were hanging out all the time and just getting along wonderfully. And I knew he loved me. And he said to me, when I said that to him, something like, "I really have strong feelings for you too, but I'm not ready for that yet." And I said to him (here is the moment of supreme, unabashed, unapologetic and ridiculous naivete, but I was SO RIGHT), "That's ok. Because I know how you feel about me, because I can see it when in your eyes when I look at you." Do you understand that I told a man I loved him, he didn't say it back, and I basically told him "that's ok, because I know you do"? God, that we could all be so ridiculous in our confidence. Because then, ironically, we'd probably get every man we wanted.

Anyway, the point of the story is that, even though you may read the above lines and say to yourself "no, you're wrong, you're screwing around and that's it and you just don't know it." No, we're not, I can feel it and I know it. We're for real. And I think he knows it. And when he kissed me goodbye this morning, I said, "I'll talk to you soon?" And he said, "yep." And "yep" is code for "of course, silly, we're dating, and I know it, and you know it, and I call you all the time and I'm not going to stop now."

There's another point to this long-winded story. As some of you know, I just got out of a relationship a few months ago. And I broke up with Brian because he didn't make me feel happy and in love and silly, goofy, crazy about him the way he used to. And he didn't TRY to either, he didn't say and do romantic things to try and keep things "fresh" between us. I didn't feel like he loved me. I didn't feel "in love" with him. And being with Scott reminds me that when a guy is making you feel a certain way, when his actions speak louder than his words, when you can just unabashedly "tell" that he likes you, you don't get as hung up on the things he says or doesn't say. I wanted Brian to do and say all those things because he wasn't making me "feel" it. This is not me saying I don't like love notes and flowers. I do. But when I'm with Scott, and he says he doesn't want to talk about whether we're dating or not, but he says it in such a way that I know the answer and know he does too, I don't need the words as much. When he comes and gets me and comes in to my neighbor's party, I know that he likes me. When he stays another hour and a half and doesn't even seem conscious that time has passed because we're laughing so hard at whatever we're talking about, he doesn't have to say "yeah, of course we're dating." Cause I know we are. I've had enough guys leave in the morning that I know the difference between the ones I'll be hearing from and those I won't. (Next time I ask any of you, "do you think he'll call?" remind me that if I TRULY wonder about the answer, and am not just asking to get reassurance, he probably will not be calling. Because you KNOW when they'll be calling.)

So even though I went about things with Scott in the entirely wrong way, and even though I probably shouldn't be as physical with him as I am at this stage of the game, I don't think it matters in the long run. When it works, it works, no matter that you proceeded to try everything within your power to screw it up (blacking out, stupid text messages). I think it works. And I feel confident and at ease in a way I haven't since I was that stupid 20-year-old from a couple paragraphs ago. And that was a pretty good relationship, besides the ending of it. Confident and at ease is a good way to feel. And I think I just realized that I never really truly felt at ease with Brian. Wow. More on that later. That's another blog post for another day.