Formerly Not So Much. . .the daily musings of a 26-year-old PYT whose self-love is superceded only by her obnoxiously endearing ability to remind you at all times just how fabulous she is. Guys too stupid to realize how lucky they are to be graced with her presence? Woman with 4-pack abs climbs onto the elliptical trainer next to her? Arrives at Chick-Fil-A at 10:37, only to learn she has missed her opportunity for a chicken biscuit? She throws all these setbacks off with disdain. . .after all, have you SEEN her??
I want to leave. I want to go home. I want to pack. And I want to go see my boyfriend. Then I want to drink. All weekend. While the dawgs HOPEFULLY beat Florida. There is so much energy, excitement, Fall-ness, Friday-ness in the air. . .why do I have to still be here?!?
Guy at social gathering last night: "So, when are you going to have another party? That last one was something else. Your dog was SO drunk. . ."
My internal monologue: "I invited this guy to my last party? Well, he was there, apparently, anyway. . .don't remember that, so much. . ."
Me: "Yeah it was really fun, wasn't it? Maybe I'll have one in the Spring, probably not before Christmas."
My internal monologue: "Moratorium on future batches of hunch punch, Miss Have You."
Halloween Ghost Tour Guide: "There are six hundred and sixty six victims of yellow fever buried in this mass grave. . ."
Me: "Are there really 666? Or is that just a dramatic number. . .?"
Halloween Ghost Tour Guide: "No really, there are 666. It's been documented."
Me, in my head, and later to my friends: "Documented in what? The ghost tour guide handbook to dramatic detail?"
Halloween Ghost Tour Guide: "One girl told me that she had been approached by the civil war ghost when she was using the bathroom in the Marshall House."
Guy on Tour: "Well, that's a good place to be, already on the toilet, if you're going to be approached by a ghost."
Halloween Ghost Tour Guide: "This is a really good house for a tour. It was the first house in the United States with indoor plumbing. There are (some number) rooms and one of them is perfectly round, but is actually square."
Me, in my head: WHAT?!?
The look on my friend's face showed that she was having the same amount of trouble digesting this little piece of information. The guide did NOT say, it seems round, but it's not. . .she said it IS round, but it's ACTUALLY square. Only in Savannah. . .
He wrote my parents a card, after meeting them, that he was glad to meet them and all of that, and apparently added a line that it was nice to get to know them and he felt he had gained "some insight into the cryptic inner-workings of the one we call Miss Have You." My mother said it just made her soul swell. She said she wanted to call him and say, "You're exactly the kind of young man every mother hopes her daughter will bring home," but she knew she couldn't. She said, "you know, his comment just made me know that he's taken someone I love and he loves her too, and wants to get to understand her and he thinks about her 'inner workings.' And to think that he cares about her so much that he actually CARES what *I* think." So, Mom thinks he hearts me. And she hearts him and has demanded that I not let him get away. Apparently he also put a little smiley face after the comment, "like it makes him smile just thinking about you!"
I said, "well, mom, I'll try and not let him get away, but I'm kind of crazy you know, and I know I drive him crazy sometimes." She said, "Well, we all are. No one's a picnic all the time. How boring would life be if we all were." I shared with her that he was a jerk this weekend and that he apologized to me very maturely and how impressed I was. I don't mean to sound like I idol worship my boyfriend too much, but seriously, for a moment. I said to Mom, "This man is of such great stature, both physically and mentally, that people DEFER to him. He doesn't HAVE to apologize to people. People throw themselves at his judgment. So for him to care enough about having hurt my feelings and want to say he's sorry to little ole' me. . .that MEANS something." It really does. TJ is incredibly intelligent and incredibly large, and people really do just flock to his charm and charisma and subtle sense of command. He's a natural leader, you might say. So for me to challenge him and not accept everything he says as law. . .well, you could say he's not used to it. And he NEEDS that from time to time. Lucky he found me, hunh?
So I explained to mom that we're trying, fighting aside, and I really felt we were making progress. She said, "Well you both have tempers and get angry, just try not to be angry at the same time." I told her that I'd admitted that I was no 100% sweetheart all the time, but neither was he, and what's more, how could he be with a woman who was?? He'd walk all over her and she'd be in an insane asylum. . .he needs someone with a little attitude to "handle" his attitude!
My mother said, "Bah! How could you stand someone who's so syrupy sweet all the time?" She also didn't balk at my assertion that relationships take work, and even said what I frequently do, "But if it's worth it, you WANT to do it and come to understand that person." And my mom's a pretty smart lady. Go Mom.
You've SEEN me, but have you SEEN her? This is the woman I get it from. She's crazy as a shithouse rat, but loveable nonetheless.
I heart him. I really do. He's trying just as hard as I am.
Last night, he called and we were chatting, and he says, "Hey, I just wanted to apologize again for the way I acted Saturday." We went on to have a very mature, grown-up discussion in which he explained that my comment that I popped off really pissed him off (I called him an asshole) and that his way of dealing with things, that he's developed over the years to avoid temper-flaring explosive verbal abuse (to which he was prone in the past) is to clam up and not say anything. His perception was, F-ed up as this is, if I'm not doing anything (which he doesn't perceive that he was acting like an asshole at the moment I called him one) and she calls me an asshole, I'm going to act like an asshole for real so she'll know the difference. I explained that I appreciated his apology and thought it was very big of him, but his actions in ignoring me and not giving me the chance to make things right really hurt me and I didn't know how to deal with it. He understood that when I said it, I really thought he was being a jerk, but he wasn't trying to be. Once he understood that my perception was different than the way he intended to come off was when he began to cool down (on Sunday morning). I told him that we needed to come to a different methodology, and that I wished he could just SAY, "Miss Have You, that was uncalled for," or "I'm not trying to be a jerk, so don't jump all over me" or even just "Sweetheart, I'm on your side."
I reminded him that although he's the one usually reminding me that we're a partnership and a team and we're not against each other, I said, "You forget that too. I'm not against you. I care about you immeasurably and I'm on your side!" He said, "Well, it's hard to feel that way when you call me an asshole." I said, "You ARE an asshole sometimes!" "But I wasn't being then!" he said. So, lesson learned. Try and express yourself more maturely than "Asshole," it really gets under his skin. And the lesson he's learned. . .I hope is. . ."she's not going anywhere. She loves you even though you can be an asshole, and she loves you even when she thinks you're being one. Don't push her away just because she makes a snide comment, do something more constructive to let your anger/irritation/displeasure be known."
I'm just genuinely impressed that he apologized, unsolicitedly. This man with this stubborn, hot temper, who thinks he's right 95% of the time, apologized to ME, because he hurt my feelings, and acted like a jerk, and he CARES what I think and that he's "right" with me. . .he could've let it go, and he didn't. He APOLOGIZED. This is a big deal coming from him. He is LEARNING. And he is TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for his part in disagreements.
We're going to be ok.
He's an enigma. Truly. After having some ambiguous feelings all day about how hard TJ's feelings really were about the weekend's disagreement, he said something sort of surprising. I came home from Jax this AM and due to exhaustion, some mild stomach upset, and the fact that I never call in sick, I took the day off. I know it was bad, but whatever, I needed a mental health day. I spent the day sleeping, vegging, helping my brother comprehend his new lease (for his bakery that he's opening, Atlanta people, you better go!). And then tonight, when I admitted I never actually made it to work, TJ says, "Sure, I see. You could've spent the whole day with me, sleeping in, and you just went back to Savannah and blew off work anyway." He seemed truly disappointed, which I thought was really sweet.
I thought, wow, he still wanted to spend the day with me even after our disagreement. I said, "Damn, you're right. Oh well, I'll make it up to you another time." (I'm going for a three day weekend with him in a couple weeks, 2 days of which, we'll just spend with each other and only 1 day of which we'll be traveling, doing a football thing. . .ok, ok, Florida's homecoming! I admit it, I'm going to Gator Growl!!) I'm really looking forward to some *just* Miss Have You/TJ time, and I told him as much. It's hard to conduct a relationship only on weekends in the presence of others at all times, when social situations abound, and honestly, I think that stress comes out in both his and my attitudes at times.
Of course, this weekend, I think it's UGA's year to finally beat the Gators. Cross your fingers. Zook just got fired and the Gators got beat by what TJ explained to me as the equivalent of a high school football team last week.
There are some fabrics that, when they say "Dry Clean Only," I respond, yeah I'd better not wash that. And some that, when they say "Dry Clean Only," I say "Pshaw." I do believe that most things can be washed on gentle, and when in doubt, keep it out of the dryer. Well, this morning, I had spilled part of my breakfast on my favorite red dress. It's a Sunday-type dress, suitable for church or work with a blazer, it's lovely yet conservative enough to wear in a professional environment.
By the way, NEVER EVER wash Rayon. It doesn't seem like it will draw up, but it will, even if no dryers are involved. So, here's what you do when you foolishly wash it (by the by, it's not that I was too cheap to get it dry cleaned, it's just that I had JUST spilled the breakfast quesadilla on it and wanted to wash it ASAP).
You take that bitch and stretch that rayon out. Pull directly down from the seams and iron that shit on high. You're not supposed to use high heat on Rayon, but I figured I couldn't fuck up it any worse than I already had. You iron that bitch, stretching and pulling on high until the dress comes back down past the lining, instead of several inches above it. I THINK I fixed it, shockingly enough, let's just hope it doesn't draw up again. I pulled the seam out of a dart, but shit, that's what moms are for. Better than ruining my favorite dress for good!
So, lesson learned: When dealing with shrunken rayon--iron the bitch on high with merciless pulling and stretching of the fabric, until the dress has some semblance of the way it looked before.
Mark Darcy says to Bridget Jones in the movie bearing the same name: "I like you. Very much. Just as you are." And that's what *I'm* looking for. Someone to like me, just as I am, faults notwithstanding. But that also means I have to do it BACK.
I'm the first to admit, the boyfriend can be an asshole. Even when my mother gushes about what a great guy he is, I say, "Yes he is. When he's not being an asshole. And don't let him fool you, he can be." I don't do it to besmirch his name, I just think it's really really naive and dangerous to think that someone else is perfect and without smear on their personality. Despite the fallbacks, I would rather be in love with a REAL person, with faults and problems and baggage. It's not as easy, but you know what? I can't idolize someone unless I want them to do the same to me, and I DON'T. Then, they're shocked and dismayed when it turns out that I, too, have faults and problems and baggage. I want someone to hold me and comfort me when I goof up and am not perfect. . .not someone to love me just when I'm being my BEST Miss Have You. I want to be able to be my best Miss Have You more often because I know that there are people who are going to love me even when I'm not. It's easier when there's not as much pressure, when you're not constantly under the microscope. I'm not always sure that TJ GETS that, sometimes he gets SO MAD when I do something off-kilter, even a haphazard ridiculous comment that in retrospect, seems trivial. But I think we made a break through last night. . .
We had a fight this weekend. It was RETARDED. I popped off a mean, snippy comment and he ignored me for the next several hours. We were in a theme park at the time, with another friend of his. So he came off looking pretty much like an A-1 asshole, for several hours. After I cooled off, which those who know me, know doesn't take long, I tried to go to him and talk to him and touch him affectionately and talk about it. No dice. I let it go and just continued my evening. Even the friend said to me, "That's just TJ. He's an asshole sometimes. Just let it go and let him be pissed off for a bit." The next morning, I tried to talk to him again. He was STILL pissed off. I said, you know, I shouldn't have said this, but is it really worth being this pissed off about for THIS long? He implied that I ruined the night. I said, "No, I popped off something in half a second because I thought you were being a jerk. You then intentionally engaged in behavior for several hours that ruined your night. YOU ruined your night, not me." I still had plenty of fun, and who am I to stop him if he wants to act like a child?
I don't know whether it was the fact that I put on a happy face and acted totally normal for the rest of the day while we hung out with his friends. Or whether it was the fact that he cooled off (although he hadn't cooled off after 9 or so hours of sleep!). But he began to be normal at some point during the day. We ate lunch and he shared his food with me and let me taste his, and just did other little things that made it seem like he was coming round. I really thought the ride back to Jax was going to suck, but you know what? It was totally NORMAL, he talked to me the whole time as though nothing was wrong. We got back to Jax and he left his luggage in my car, he had no intention of me leaving to come back to Savannah last night, but assumed I would stay. We watched A Time to Kill on TBS and messed around. I felt genuinely remorseful for what I'd said, even though I found his response reprehensible, so in an emotional moment, I said, "Oh baby, I'm so sorry about before." I gripped him tightly in a never let go hug. He said, "Forget about it. Me too. I was being a jerk." What?! I was really shocked. Maybe he finally HEARD me. My message that "my behavior wasn't great, but yours was pretty terrible too."
I really feel good about it. I really think this guy loves me, faults and all, fights and all. And honestly, even though we still fight, we're not fighting about the same things over and over. We'll fight about something a few times, and then, we GET it and now we've moved on to a new phase. Before, it was the "you don't know when your teasing's gone too far" phase and now we're in the "you can't act like a petulant child for exponentially longer than it took me to say the thing that pissed you off" phase. The fact is, we are a couple of strong-willed, stubborn people who think *our* respective ways are the *best* ways, and as Miss Meg reminded me, no matter how much you love someone, "this is still some whole, OTHER person with whom you're compromising and acting as a partnership." No one is me and is going to understand *me* 100% of the time. But I think both TJ and I want to understand each other, very badly. We're doing better, but we're far from perfect. But I don't want to be in a relationship in which I have to *be* perfect, or he does. I WANT to work hard and come to a mutual understanding of the other person, whom I love, and learn how to work with him and react to him in ways in which he and I find that we work the BEST together, instead of stumbling and bumbling all through these ridiculous fights that we sometimes have. I think some people think if you have to work so hard, what's the point? I don't feel that way. I WANT to suffer through the kinks in this relationship and emerge stronger on the other side. And if I don't, if we break up, I will have still learned so much. . . but in the meantime, anything worth having is worth working for, and he makes me very happy, 95% of the time. Believe me, those who know me personally, I'd trade this relationship five times over for any of the ones I'd had so far; there is no question to me that this guy is far better for me than anyone so far (at the very least, and maybe better than anyone could ever be, although I'm reserving judgment on that for now. . .).
RS recently wrote that you *know* you're with the right person when you can say anything and have the meanest fight in the world and be unequivocally certain that the person is not going anywhere. Well, TJ and I are not there yet, but last night, for the first time, I caught a glimpse of his level of tolerance and forgiveness when it comes to my shortcomings, which I've always thought was lacking in comparison to my complementary level of tolerance and forgiveness for him. Maybe it's not. He has trouble saying he's sorry and he was wrong, sure, but locked in my arms, as my genuine penitence came pouring out of my mouth last night, he assuaged my fears by telling me to "forget it" and that he "was a jerk." I don't think he's going to leave me. I think the good FAR outweighs the bad. But it's a day by day thing. But I shouldn't and can't be afraid to say what I think because I'm afraid he'll leave. . .or he won't be staying with me, he'll be staying a timid, mousy shadow of the real me. And that's not me. I mean, geez, have you SEEN me?!
I am a Gorgeous Sex Kitten
Someone else just told me I look like Ashley Judd, and her husband and his friend agree. You know what THAT means. You think I'm goooorr-geous. You want to maarr-rry me. But honestly, upped my confidence today, I'm a big Ashley Judd fan!
Doesn't Kiss Off on Your Teeth Either
So, that doesn't kiss off on your boyfriend lipstick. Well, I didn't want to fool with my lipstick today, so I applied it. Clinique Ruby Lips. Gorgeous stuff. Red, shiny. But it sort of flakes off in little bits if your lips aren't moisturized enough (and mine usually are, but this stuff dries them out). So, it flakes a little in the AM. Before lunch, I go to reapply. We're interviewing a potential summer hire today and I want to "freshen up." I reapply the red. I have to wait a minute to apply the clear top coat. I don't wait long enough. The red comes off with the clear. Damn. So now I have these gorgeous little splotchy places where I've worn off the red and now stripped it off by not allowing the new layer to dry enough before sealing it with the clear top coat. The stuff is like ARMOR, I swear, once you get it on properly. So I touch up the splotchy places again. Wait. Apply the clear. This time, it doesn't wipe it off, but it's still flaky and the consistency of the layer of lipstick isn't smooth and rich; it's like a thick layer of impervious red paint of which some has dried and it is leaving ugly little flecks in the topcoat that you're applying. Really, THINK PAINT, you'll get what I mean. Fuck.
So, what to do now. I frantically reapply. I'm running out of time. I return to my desk to try and make sense of the fleckled uneven mess that is my lipstick. I decide that touch up work will not do and that I need to reapply all layers. I smile a big toothy grin to find. . .it's all over my bottom front teeth! Egads!! What if it doesn't kiss off teeth either?! I frantically scrub the teeth with my fingers. The red clings. A little more spit and they're only slightly tinted red. Good Lord, I'm a mess.
I luckily had some good old fashioned lipstick in the purse. I went with a slightly different shade, mixed copiously with carmex to restore moisture to my flaky little pout crying out in its state of red tinted dehydration. "Please don't make us wear the doesn't kiss off lipstick again," they seem to cry. 5:06 PM Flakiness is mostly remedied.
I just got an email from TJ. It's line after line after line after line of "Miss Have You's coming to see me!" Like, you have to scroll to see where it ends. And at the end is a breathless, excited, all caps "TODAY!!"
He hasn't send me an email like that since pretty early on. It's nice to know that even though we've fallen into our relationship comfort zone, he still gets geeked up about me coming to see him. I DO heart him. I emailed him back and told him so.
I dated this guy once. He couldn't touch anything without leaving a trail of destruction in his wake. Example: once, he pulled a Disney video off my bookshelf (picture the large, plastic molded case that Disney videos come in. . .one side is clearly the "right" side right? The side with the label written on it). He then put it back BACKWARDS. Why? I'm not particularly neat, but my God, can you touch anything and just leave it the way you found it?
My favorite story is one day, I asked him to pick a CD. I have one of those over-the-visor CD holders on the visor of my car. It is natural and easy to just peer upwards at the visor, looking at the CDs, slip them out, and pick one in that manner. KKRRRCCCFFFFPPPPTTT. . .the sound of hastily ripped velcro filled my ears as he, in the manner of a 10-year-old child, goes to pull the ENTIRE THING off the visor. I was like, "What are you doing?!" (Literally, my 12 year old nephew once did the EXACT same thing. . .the difference is, THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED WITH A 12-YEAR-OLD!) I mean, just. . .don't. . .let everything get so unruly. I'm not a neat freak, I swear. . .he just was an unsightly unorganized-for-no-reason type. I can't believe I dated him, in retrospect. The best is, when I would call these indiscretions to his attention, he would gesticulate somewhat wildly and exageratedly say, "Fine then, I just won't TOUCH anything." How 'bout you just act like a normal person, dildo?
Well, Newsgirl's dog is the canine equivalent of Keith. Ally cannot drink out of the water bowl without spilling. She cannot come into the kitchen without leaving pawprints. She peed right in front of a drunk kitchenful of us eating leftover pizza one night, I think she couldn't bring herself to exit the doggy door and pee out there, as food samples for the pups were SURELY forthcoming (right). She cannot walk around the coffee table without her frenzied wagging tail knocking a drink over. She cannot say hello without jumping (Sadie jumps, but she can only reach your knees). She ate my checkbook yesterday (off the COUNTER, you would've thought it was FOOD up there). She brought huge clods of earth into the kitchen today. Roomie, she has to stay in the crate when you're not supervising. I'm not a mean mom, but if she's going to act like Keith, she needs to be supervised at ALL times. (PS I got a tray for the water and food bowls. . .now, the good news is, it CONTAINS the water, but now the tray is filled with it.)
My dog has also taken to "marking" the rug that Ally soiled when she peed in the kitchen a couple weeks ago. Sadie does pee on it sometimes (doggy door notwithstanding, little bitch!) if it's raining or she's being rebellious, but she's done it twice this week! She's marking cause Ally soiled it. Mother F-ing Dogs. Oh well, no more rug in the kitchen.
Ugh. I'm sorry. I really am. In a vaccuum, it wasn't a HORRIBLE thing to say, but in the situation, in the situation YOU perceived, it was. I see that SO CLEARLY now. I hope you forgive me. You don't seem mad anymore, but I sincerely acknowledge it was a shitty thing. My mouth and actions indicated something my heart DOESN'T feel. It wasn't cool. I hope my apology finds its way to your heart and pulls us closer together, instead of you feeling like I'm against you and it pushing us further apart. It needs a couple days. And my words are coming to you, again, sincerely, via US Post Office. I love you. And I feel like an ass about it.
That was nice you remembered my birthday on the day, I guess, but I'd rather you just gave a damn the other days of the year. You said you wanted a girlfriend, but you really wanted "couple" friends. I don't see where I fit into that life. I think you need to make more of an effort. I don't make an effort either, but I did in the past, and you shunned that. I'm still a little hurt.
Ok, nice guys, you forgot your sister's birthday! I would've expected it from you, but you guys? Or is it just that you've forgotten now and a few more days of being "late" don't matter? I know you're busy, but part of your problem is how involved in your own lives you get that you don't care about anyone else. You're a little enclave. Maybe I'll understand when I have kids. But right now, I'm just wondering how long it's going to take you and if I'll squeeze an actual gift out of this.
Thanks for all the well wishes and cards! I had so many birthday cards from so many unexpected sources. I had a whole huge stack at home last night, when I assembled them all together. I am so blessed with so many friends and people who love me!
Your card in particular really touched me. I still think you're a little weird, but your heart's in the right place! I hope you're doing well and feeling good about yourself and that *you* are happy in *your* life. You're the only one who has to be.
Tired tired tired. The weekend was long, I think I tried to cram a bit too much into it. Going out in Athens was really fun. Revisiting all the old haunts was priceless. The BBQ and football game were fun, too, but we were killing the other team, so we left in the 3rd quarter. It still wasn't quite enough time to get to Atlanta and get a good nap in before the couple's shower RS was throwing. But we got a short one. But we were very tired at that point. Nonetheless, we ate, we drank, we were merry. Great party, RS, your house looks great too!
I really wish I had had more time in Atlanta and TJ had had more time to get to know my friends. I realize that to some extent, no matter how many times I can possibly visit Atlanta in the next year (let's say, what is that, 4 or 5 visits, realistically), it's going to be very hard for my friends to get to know TJ the way I do, other than an introduction, a few conversations, a vibe, getting a feeling. And honestly, with the level of exhaustion and busy-ness our day had entailed at the point I got TJ to Atlanta to the couple's shower, I don't now much of a sense my friends got at all. We went out for drinks after the shower and TJ was pretty quiet (unusually so) due to said exhaustion and some self-imposed focus on a televised football game to keep himself awake. I would have liked for him to be more "on" and show more of his personality, but as we all do at times, we're quieter, less "ourselves" at some times than others. . .and the long unending day I'd subjected him to so far finally began to come crashing down (on both of us) at some point.
Earlier, he had done some things around the house for RS, some heavy lifting, boy-type home repairs, and I did observe some minor "bonding" going on at times, some exchanged funny comments, probably about me, and things like that. I'm sure they both liked each other "fine," but not as much as I know and like either one of them. I've come to the conclusion that that is 100% ok. If I'm ok, my friends are ok. If I'm happy, my friends are happy. If I'm in a relationship with TJ, he wants them to like him, sure, but it's not necessary. It's not necessary that any of these people would pick TJ as a friend, but only that *I* would pick him. They'll get to know him better, as well as they can, as fast as they can, as often as they can. But geographically, I know that that's going to take some time. And realistically, I know RS or NG or Miss Issues will never know him nearly as well as I do, I can only hope they at some point like him well enough to say, "That's someone I would choose for a friend." But I wasn't able to say that about Miss Meg's hubby until the toast at her wedding, when they'd been together for 3 1/2 years. And this is 3 months!!
So, no more rushing. No more anxiety. Just me focusing on my friendships, and separately, focusing on TJ. Nurturing all relationships where they need it. Not demanding too much "approval" from one for the other. Just being. And being content.
Of course, we all know I could break this resolution is the next couple hours or so, but I am going to try. Relationships are hard enough without pitting them all against each other and demanding approval of one from the other. So guys, I hope you liked him, what little you got to see, but. . .you don't have to. Maybe you will next time. And TJ, same for you. They're MY friends, they don't have to be yours. But I hope at some point, they can be.
I am fantastic. Really. You can't dampen my mood (despite the damp weather here). I had a crappy week last week. Just nothing seemed to go right. Some of it was TJ bickering, some of it was work bullshit, some of it was just pure bad luck.
The crowning moment was when I attended a school board hearing, announcing to the Hearing Officer and Court Reporter, "Good Morning, and I use "good" in the loosest of ways." (They know me well, it's not like I was being too familiar with my bad mood to a room full of strangers, and I explained I'd just had one of those weeks.) (PS also: at a school board hearing, I "prosecute" kids who are supposed to be expelled or suspended from school for longer than 10 days, as an attorney for the School Board.) Less than 5 minutes later, I spilled my jumbo cup of Crystal Light all over the table at which I was sitting. I was so used to the bad luck I'd experienced all week, I didn't blink twice. "Told You So," I announced to the Hearing Officer and Court Reporter (and luckily, the hearing hadn't started yet, nor was the school administrator there yet, or I would've spilled it all over him/her). At some point during the week, I just had to let go of the bad luck and just try to make it through, KNOWING it'd get better. And by the time the weekend came and my friend came into town, it had!
This week has been great. I've been very dedicated to my gym routine and can visibly tell changes not only in my weight, but in the way clothes are fitting better and whatnot. I'm far from where I want to be, but I'm getting there. In fact, I'm pretty sure some people in the cardio room on the ellipticals thought I was certifiable last night, since I was visibly bouncing around, dancing, shaking my hips, and lip-syncing the words to peppy songs on the ipod (sometimes, I like to mouth the words to songs when I shouldn't be singing out loud, even though there's very little POINT to that--I do it in bars too, I just don't see the need to expend vocal energy if no one can hear you, but I like to get into the spirit of the song by lip-syncing). Yes, I have very good balance on the ellipticals, in case you're wondering how I bounced around on them, and it was very obvious I was rocking out. Once I actually walked out the front door, I openly began singing along with the ipod, to "Let's Hear It for the Boy," and I know the guy in the parking lot with me was cracking up.
A hint of Fall is in the air, and it will be in full force in Athens this weekend, and this is my favorite time of year. TJ and I are getting along really well this week. I think we've finally determined that we don't have to talk on the phone at the same time or for a certain length of time every day and we're just going with it naturally at this point, when we feel like it (which is still several times a day, but usually shorter conversations, when we have an "update" or something to share). It's FRIDAY!! And I'm going to have so much fun! TJ is also in a great mood, since he aced a quiz yesterday and is all finished with his lab report for the week. I'm sorry, did I mention Athens F-ing Georgia?! It's like the funnest place on earth. It's just a great great student/bar/party scene. I can't wait to visit my old stompin' grounds.
Now, if only I could get through this day at work!! (PS Ice cream and cake day for the October birthdays in the lounge at 2:30. Aww Yeah, I'm an October Birthday! Oh that's something, did I forget to mention my BIRTHDAY IS SUNDAY!?!?)
[Fade out, singing happy songs, bouncing, whistling, humming, happy dance. . .]
Disagreements are funny.
There are three sides to every story, yours, theirs, and the truth.
If my feelings are hurt, even if yours are too, no one person's are hurt more "legitimately."
At the end of the day, no one's going to remember what you did or what you said, but ONLY how you made them feel.
I'm very good at apologizing. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. I happily accept my part of the blame in an issue because I want to set things right. But if I run up against a stubborn person (and I'm stubborn too, just not in this regard), sometimes, I apologize and apologize and they let me and are all too happy to accept that I'm SO WRONG. Um, yeah, hi? You too!
Um, love you guys, but both my boyfriend and my best friend are like this. That DOESN'T mean I wasn't a bitch, RS, but it does mean that my feelings were hurt too. (I know you know this, this is not passive agressive blog time.) Oh, and boyfriend, just because you don't understand my emotions is no reason to freak out and pop a hernia, dude. Sheesh, people.
**This post is meant in the best of spirits. Really.**
Since my last "update on my life" post, TJ and I have had a couple tiffs, one actually the day I posted that. One of the fights was via telephone as we were both headed to my parent's house. It was stupid, but basically, he was going to get there before I was, and my parents and my brother and his partner were already there. I tried NOT to care that he was going to get to be there and meet everyone and be laughing and carrying on already by the time I arrived, but it started to bug me. Childishly, I didn't want to miss any fun, and I knew my family would love TJ and get along with him so well, and I didn't want to miss those moments. I DIDN'T say anything because I DID think it was silly. Then, TJ, not knowing that it was bugging me, starts teasing me about it, "Oh, widdle Miss Have You can't stand it," etc. etc. Well, I couldn't, and I didn't, and the teasing got to be too much after TJ called my mother and then told her of something she could do to enhance the yuk-yuk funny joke that I didn't think was so funny. I got angry. He exploded because he didn't know it bothered me (cause I was trying to be mature about it). It took us a cooling off period of 30 minutes or so, but he finally did go over to the house before me, which of course, I wanted him to do at that point (and at all points, actually). I can handle teasing to a point, but I was a little jealous, I guess, for lack of a better word, that my family would get to meet TJ and me not even be there to share that, and I would think it was a little obvious that might be a sore point. That's the Reader's Digest Condensed version.
At my parent's, he was charming and brought gifts for both Mom and my stepdad and everyone loved him, and we just had the best time and he bonded the most with my brother's partner over computer stuff. Everyone loved him, and we had a great time. We went to a corn maze and he would separate from us and hide in the stalks and try and jump out and scare us, not to mention his "cockroach in the ear" sound effects that he makes with his fingers and you feel like a flying cockroach is flying past your ear. It still gets me sometimes, even though I'm used to it, but he got everyone in the cornmaze too, while I held back and giggled.
Last week, he said something offhand that was hurtful. I quickly got off the phone. Even though I didn't think the comment was objectively all that hurtful, and could easily be chalked up to exhaustion, it was late, or unintentional, etc. he called me the next day and said, "I know I hurt your feelings last night and I just want to apologize, I didn't mean it that way" and then we proceeded to talk about it. He realized he'd hurt my feelings on his own, which I thought was HUGE, as many tiffs as we have about him not understanding "why" I'm upset.
Last weekend, he came to visit and meet my best friend from college. She liked him a lot. He went out with me and my girlfriends and just is the BEST in social situations and we went to a cheesy dance club and he danced with me and my girlfriends and just got silly with us and it was really fun. Sunday, we did NOTHING but lay around the house and he fixed my DVD player to work with the TV in my room. He also played with Sadie a lot and confessed that he thinks she "hearts" him.
Last night, for the first time in a long time, we talked for an hour and a half about substantive STUFF, not us, or our relationship, but STUFF. He told me all about his younger sister, who is a lesbian, who can't come out to his intensely Catholic parents or they would disown her. She's very depressed, and he and his other sister had been talking about it, and she was concerned about how to tell her children, who are very close to the age I was when I learned of my brothers. I was able to give him the sound advice that kids believe what the people they look up to tell them, and it wouldn't take too much for his sister to say "Aunt is different, but that's just how some people are, and it's not wrong, and we still love her very much," and have those kids accept and believe that. It was an area of expertise where I felt he really deferred to and respected my advice.
This weekend, we're going to Atlanta and Athens to see the game and go visit with my other very close friends. We're going to have a fantastic time, as we always do.
I've said all that to say this: despite what I may have led people to believe, on this blog or otherwise, my relationship with TJ is not Two Dimensional. It's very rich and while I may feel the need to blog or vent about things that go wrong, there are still so very many things that go right. I wanted to give a more complete picture, and to let everyone know that I haven't been blogging about it because I didn't feel like at the time of the "fight" I could give a very accurate picture, when I was down or upset, and I didn't want blogging judgment to befall my already depressed psyche at those moments. Overall, I can give a much more accurate picture, and that's what I feel like doing right now. I realize that TJ and I still have problems and may not last forever (although I hope we do!) but I am going to give this relationship my 100% all and be the best person I can be. That person is not always happy and easy and reflective of sunshine and roses. She's going to hit bumps and her relationship is going to hit bumps, but I'm one of those people who really think that raw feelings, good and bad, are the stuff life is made of, and I wouldn't anesthesize myself if I could (think Brave New World).
I'm in a happy place, good times and bad, for right or wrong, even when TJ and I fight.
I've been trying to explain the thoughts in this post to a very dear friend. I've done a poor job apparently and she's not understanding me and I really must've hurt her feelings to have provoked the email response I got from her yesterday.
Friend: I love you, and I value your opinion and advice so much, and have for many years. I love TJ and I'm not even close to thinking this relationship is worth giving up on, quite the contrary. I know you don't think that either, you just have concerns; I know you've only given me what I've asked for, and I didn't think my candid instructions to now cease and desist would come off as badly as they did (I tried very hard to keep that from happening, in fact). Please forgive any awkward idiocy on my part and I promise to be more careful about soliciting your opinion and try to never make you feel like I'm throwing it back in your face. I made a mistake, but I didn't know how else to tell you. I don't know what I'd do without you, Friend, but right now, I just need you to be silent and listen and HEAR and see and MEET HIM, and you'll like him, and you'll probably still have doubts, but that's ok, and I will try to be as receptive as I can, but I really need you to try to be as tactful as you can.
I won't ask you to make any more comparisons, this is just about me and him, and more importantly, it's about YOU and ME. I need you to TRUST me and know what a sensible emotional being I am, and know that I am making the decisions that are RIGHT for ME. I want you to BELIEVE IN ME so much!! That's why I get upset, silly. I hope you can understand and respect and defer to my judgments (and I know you do, sort of, but sometimes, your advice doesn't make it seem like it). But I need to feel like you believe in me right now, and that means pulling back on the instruction a bit. But I will ALWAYS need you, if I fall on my face with this OR IF I DON'T, so if that concerns you, DON'T LET IT. Please don't be upset with me. LOVE, Me.
1. Parker Posey
2. Jeanne Tripplehorn
3. Ally Sheedy
4. Mary Louise Parker
5. Sandra Bullock
6. Selma Blair
7. Alanis Morisette
8. Natalie Merchant
9. Sigourney Weaver
10. Ashley Judd (for a brief, shining moment)
11. Teri Hatcher
12. Neve Campbell
My favorite is Mary Louise Parker. She is classic and elegant. It kind of fits with what someone told me the other day, that I always looked like I had just stepped out of the 20s. (It's just because I'm not afraid to wear short skirts, short hair, and whore red lipstick.) I also really like Ashley Judd cause I think she's beautiful, but I don't think I look all that much like her. I DO think I look an awful lot like a young Sigourney Weaver, truth be told. And I think Parker Posey is hysterical, so I like to go with that.
That about covers it. Do I really look like any of these people? Keep in mind, I didn't used to have such blonde blonde highlights, I used to be very very dark.
I feel like I'm been gone from the blogging world forever, and I'm back. . .momentarily. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue blogging, and I'll tell you why, and I'll tell you that I'm in a very happy place and I just don't know that this provides me the outlet I once needed. But maybe it will from time to time. . .maybe I'll keep it. . .just for that. . .sometimes. . .maybe.
Well, part of the reason I haven't blogged in a long time is that I've been out of the office a lot. I think I was out something like 7 or 8 business days in row, for some length of time or another. So, that's one reason I'm feeling good. I feel like I'm meeting my firm's work expectations a bit more that I have been. (Not entirely my fault. . .they have trouble keeping me busy with the type of work they hired me for. . .only when I became proactive and delved into other areas did I get hoppin' busy. But that's ok, it makes the time fly!)
I've been concentrating more on my personal goals lately. I realize that I blow a lot of time blogging, and since I'd like to some day be a writer, I realize that if I "wrote" substantive things in the realm of the novels I'd like to write as much as I blogged, I could really get going in the right direction on that goal. So, I'm thinking to direct my daily writing in another direction besides the internet, as much as I need and like the daily journal aspect of it, sometimes.
I've really been concentrating on my health, fitness, and body lately. I've been eating better and exercising more and feeling really good. I've lost 7 1/2 pounds in the last couple weeks and worked out every day this week, cardio and weight training. I want to lose some more weight and get to a place where I feel healthier and better about my body. I'm thrilled with my progress so far. I know it will slow down now, but slow and steady wins the race. (And no, I haven't been on any crazy fad diets nor have I been limiting my food intake drastically--I'm on Weight Watchers, online.) So, don't worry that I have an eating disorder. Never have, never will. My relationship with food is too weak-willed.
I accomplished most everything I set out to do this week. I organized my photo album and printed/ordered photos from the last few months to enhance the empty slots in said album. I finally got the internet working on my computer, it WAS the modem, Bellsouth, thanks for replacing it. (That was a trial in itself.) I got my ipod updated (and still have to recreate my playlists, so I don't have to go through EVERY song to figure out what I want to listen to on the elliptical trainer, that's on the list for Sunday night).
I went to a social function last night, didn't drink, ate very little, mingled, had fun, and still left in time to go to the gym. I went this morning as well. That's 5 days this week! TJ doesn't recognize me. . ."Who is this girl and what have you done with Miss Have You??" he says. I washed my dog yesterday in preparation for a trip to my parent's house this weekend (with TJ, by the by). I ran errands, I grocery shopped, I cut out recipes from Weight Watchers magazine and pasted them on recipe cards, I tried new homemade muffins made from a recipe in Shape. . .I ate healthfully and was in control of all my nutrition choices! I ate out yesterday and made good choices. I feel so in control and good about myself. My house is clean (not my doing, I have a housekeeper who comes every 2 weeks, SO worth the money), and it will be when I get home from being out of town this weekend. My toes are pedicured, and my feet scraped and smooth (it's embarrasing when your boyfriend's feet are better pedicured than yours at times ;-) My bed is made, my bags are packed, and I will whisk home, pick up my dog, and head home. My brother is coming home too! And he and his boyfriend and TJ and me and my parents are going to have a riotous time, I am sure.
By the way, I get to shack up with TJ at my house. My mother only has two spare bedrooms and since my bro is coming too. . .well, what do you do? She said she's comfortable with it as long as we are, and she knows that we sleep in the same bed when we stay together, so. . . I am OFFICIALLY a grown-up. Quite a feat for my family, since I am 5, no matter what I do. Plus, I don't have to spend the only time I get to see TJ this weekend in separate bedrooms.
Next weekend, Miss Meg is coming! Two weeks, I get to go to UGA homecoming and see friends and watch football and visit Athens and go to all the old bars, and then to Atlanta to see Miss Opinionated and Miss Issues (and her new beau) and hang out and see all my bestest friends!
TJ is being much nicer. I think we're getting used to each other and our mutual ways of handling things and respecting that about each other. Plus, I'm in a better mood and less testy about things, and hence, so is he. We haven't fought in several weeks, only a minor tiff two weeks ago. And by the by, before we started "not fighting" and getting along better, I spoke to Miss Opinionated and had decided:
You know what, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of walking on eggshells and wondering if you are going to continue to want to be with me. This is ME, take it or LEAVE IT. But make up your GD mind, Mother Fucker. (I mean, that "take it or leave it" attitude was the one he flaunted all the time.) I reached a change in my mental state that day. I still love him. I just decided that if he couldn't make his mind that I am fabulous and the best woman he'll ever find (for any man, probably, but especially as a complement to him), he can hit the friggin' road. He is not going to make me feel like this, like I'm 2 nasty comments or a bad day away from banishment from his heart.
We had a tiff where I conveyed some of this sentiment to him, and it became very obvious very fast that he was insecure that I might think about breaking up with him because of *his* attitude (not the other way 'round). He backed down. He apologized. He said he was wrong. And we haven't really fought since. I still love him, and know he loves me (although yet to be spoken). But I know that if he is stupid enough to leave, he is not right for me. The man I will spend my life with will wake up every day knowing that he loves me and that he made the right choice. That is what I want and deserve, because that is how *I* feel about someone to whom I have chosen to give my heart.
But all that irrelevant, because we're getting along superbly. Maybe because I stopped being afraid or letting him pick on me. Maybe because I'm back to strong Miss Have You, who is worthy irrespective of what man at that time thinks she is. His love strengthens me, yes, but I am not a shell of a person without it. So, things are good with TJ. We're in Love and hopefully, both of our security levels will strengthen daily.
I do need to work now. But I just wanted to update you all on how I've been and what I've been doing. Feeling good, feeling accomplished, feeling happy. Don't know when you'll hear from me again. . .
