Getting Married, One Way or Another

I've known several people in my life who were in serious relationships, like everyone assumed he or she is going to marry that person he or she is with. But maybe we were in college, and one or both of the parties were young yet, and then in time, perhaps the relationship ends altogether.

Then, after ending the years + relationship they had with Y person, you turn around and short time later and find out. . .he or she is engaged? To whom? It's not a good sign when someone announces their engagement and some people on the fray are far enough behind in their information (meaning a matter of months) to think internally, "To whom are they getting married? I didn't know they were dating someone new. Last I heard, they broke up with Y."

Some people just get to an age or a time in their life where they're getting married, one way or another, and it doesn't matter so much to whom. So they just move on the next person, and get engaged way quick. I think that's fucked up. But who the hell am I?

Signed,
Unmarried Spinster (who will probably be engaged by Xmas and people will say, "What?? I thought she was still dating Brian." How funny would that be?)

A Nice Surprise!

I have a friend from law school who has just moved to my town. She just called and asked if I was home yet (no) and said, "Hey do you have any movies?" I said I did, and she wanted to come browse. I said sure, just come on over in 30-45 minutes. (She lives a few blocks from me.) Then, after we hung up, she called back and said, "Hey I just made chicken lasagna, would you like me to bring some over?"

THAT'D BE AWESOME, thanks!

I Shouldn't Be Blogging

Not even sure I want to be. I'm thinking of stopping. But I have some thoughts in my head now.

I'm in love with TJ. Heavily. Like, more than anyone before. I wasn't looking for it, and I was happy alone, but now that I've met him, I want to be happy WITH him. He makes this difficult sometimes. He can be a real pain in the ass. So can I. But I acknowledge and try to change bothersome things about myself. And I'm open and communicate in a mature way when things bother me. He, instead, turns into a withdrawn SOB when he's got something on his mind. He says that he doesn't tell me because it doesn't "bother" him, he just thinks about it. Thinks about things about me that bother him, and weighs them against the good things. He said that's just the way he does things, and isn't that what dating is all about? Trying to find out if the person is compatible with you and whether you can tolerate their flaws?

Here's what bugs/terrifies me: Yes, that is what casual dating is about. I'm WAY BEYOND casual. I'm WAY BEYOND casual mostly as a result of the way he's treated the relationship. He's been a zoom-zoom fast track serious dater guy since the beginning, and I sort of feel like, "You know, I didn't ASK to be in this capital-R relationship with you, and it's not fair to be proclaiming that you think I'm the last woman you want and expect to be with, one day (yes, he really said that LAST WEEK), and a few days to say that you've been doing some thinking about whether you can tolerate certain qualities I have."

I told him, I can't do this back and forth back and forth bullshit. Decide you have serious feelings for me and you're going to work at this relationship or GET OUT. You can't jerk my heart around like this. That's really something that I'm very uncomfortable with. And I'm not saying that people aren't allowed to date and try people out and figure out whether they're good or right together. . .but I do think that it's irresponsible to say and do some of things he's done with me if he really has sincere second thoughts at other moments. Do me a favor and withhold the irresponsibly amorous declarations until you're ready to be serious about this. I don't want to feel like I'm going to have the rug jerked out from under me any moment by the man who holding my heart in his hand as a result of his own hyper-serious treatment of the relationship. That's not fair.

Do I think he's in love with me? YES. Do I think that he might talk himself out of a relationship with me at some point over some bullshit thing? YES. Do I think he would try to work things out with me or make me aware before he did that? I don't know. I do a pretty good job of making him talk about the things that bother him, and after a good long time of chipping away at him, he does finally act receptive and we're able to work things out without me feeling like he's resentful or mad about the stuff after the fact. But it takes serious time and emotional effort. Maybe *I* DON'T want that.

Maybe I'm exagerating. Things are fine now. He did take me to meet his parents this weekend. They're really nice people and I got the impression they liked me. I know that's a big deal to him, and he basically made a special trip to do so. But somehow, I don't feel the weight of the great, nice things I do, like let his friends shack up at my house because of the hurricane, as much as I feel the weight of the annoying or obnoxious things I do when I "screw up." I'm not sure if that's my own insecurity or if he's really doing things to make me feel that way.

Frankly, I think it boils down to this: he's insecure, and spent so much time being terrified of the many ways in which I could break his heart, that now, he subconsciously pushes me away and drives me out while he examines my faults as a defense mechanison. He protects himself by holding *his* love and affection over *my* head. . .because he feels like I have that same terrifying power. But when he's acting this way, this distant, reserved way, I forget that I have such a strong effect on his feelings. I forget that I *do* think he loves me. I think he'd be heartbroken to lose me. But how do I get him to stop with the silent weirdness than ensues every couple weeks? Is the answer, be sweet, affectionate, loving, etc. to convince him, in time, that I am serious and am not abandoning this relationhship lightly. . .or is the answer to back off and let him come to the conclusion, when I act withdrawn and reserved myself, that I matter to him too much to keep with the distant, reserved SOB persona up, when it's obviously upsetting to me?

How do you get a person to be close to you? Do you show them closeness first, or does that just push them away? Or do you pull away and let THEM come to you. I don't mean to sound like it's a game. . .it's not, to me. . .I just don't know how to handle this person in my life, whom I love, strategically, diplomatically, to effect the result I want. . .

Someone Else's Drama

Well, there was drama all right, but not mine! For the 2nd time in as many months, TJ came up to Savannah instead of me tripping it down to Jacksonville because of a hurricane. In fact, most of Florida was evacuated, and he invited his best friend and his girlfriend(?) (not exactly, I'll 'splain in a minute) to come to the house too. Which is TOTALLY fine. I liked having the opportunity to be a good hostess and show my more gracious side, especially in light of past conversations we've had about how petulant and self-centered I can be (yes, yes, I know it's not just me, and I know he has faults too, trust me, I'm not accepting ALL blame for all things, but Miss Have You = self-centered--at times--is a cold, hard fact). Yes, I was completely looking out for my own best interest, in figuring what a great opportunity it would be to show what a charming hostess I am, and I wanted to meet his friend too.

So, TJ and I had a great weekend. It was yucky weather, raining all the time, we couldn't really do much at all. Well, on Friday, while I was at work, he did lots. He walked Sadie. We gave her a bath. He tried to put together a shelf I had, but I'm missing some parts. He went to the store and got stuff for dinner, which he made. He replaced my air filter, which was grossly overdue and may explain my chronic sickness lately. (He is just so HANDY and SWEET and GIVING.)

Then, over the weekend, we went to two movies. We read short mystery stories to each other (yes, I'm serious). We worked the crossword. We watched the true story of the divers who were left behind and what happened to them on 20/20, pursuant to seeing Open Water on Saturday. We went to the gym and he's going to help me get a butt and legs like the girl in the Tampax ad I tore out of Shape magazine. He made dinner, I made dinner, we ate, drank, and were merry. We hung out with his friends. We actually went out to some bars on Friday night before it got nasty. It was just a fun, easy-going, no-fighting, normal, great time. He said when he left this AM, "I miss you already." Oh, and the Miami-FSU game is rescheduled for Friday, so we're going to Miami THIS weekend, Ivan willing.

So, the friend: hasn't really had a lot of experience with women, which I don't get. He's cute, like, better than average cute. He's not my type, but combined with the personality, I could see myself really liking him, given another time and place. He's VERY funny and intelligent, and I see why TJ likes him. The girl. Is a girl he went to high school with. She's pretty, probably better than he's usually able to get pretty. Maybe even "hot" or "gorgeous," if you like that type of thing. She's blonde, she's young (24, and a YOUNG 24), she's very very thin. And he's always had a crush on her. So here's how they got together--she got married at like 19. She has a child, even. She's unhappy in her marriage and wants to leave her husband. She says he can have the child. She comes to Florida to visit relatives, but has all intentions of going back to Seattle. She's going through a divorce, and they meet to have dinner, and realize they have this spark, and now he's all schmoopy over her. And she is over him, but it's not good. She's only ever been with her husband, and I have every expectation that she's about to go through her "I'm free and I can get all kinds of guys" phase and leave the friend in the dust. Especially with no child to worry about. Which really bothers me.

TJ hates her. She already had all these circumstantial strikes against her, but then she just proceeded to do immature things throughout the weekend that only enhanced his already low opinion of her. For instance, I got up Saturday, went to the store, bought stuff to make breakfast (and other kitchen staples so we'd have stuff to eat) and make grits, eggs, and sausage for everyone. That night, she said, "Oh, I'll get the stuff to make French Toast tomorrow!" There was a big deal made about it. Well, on Sunday AM, TJ and I get up to go to mass, and she says, "All you ready for breakfast?" (hasn't started cooking yet). "Actually, we're going to mass," and I added, jokingly, "could you have it ready when we get back?" I was joking, but I fully expected for there to be leftovers and something to reheat when we returned. We we back in an hour, after all. When we return, nothing. Except dishes in the sink. She didn't make extra. She didn't leave the stuff out. She didn't put it in the fridge. I thought TJ was going to flip out. It was pretty rude, but I guarantee, the girl's just immature and clueless, she's not malicious. I couldn't do anything but laugh because I had a sneaking suspicion.

So, now all of TJ's irritation is directed towards someone who REALLY is immature and self-centered, and I look like a goddess of a girlfriend by comparison. (PS It's odd to think that I'm only a year older than her, but I'm a mature 25, and she's a young 24.) Is it wrong that I recognize the service this young, clueless waif of a girl has done me?

And Go Back to Sleep, I Did (Heavily)

12 AM: Me: "Don't you think maybe you should start heading to Savannah now? The traffic's only going to get worse on 95 out of Florida."

2 AM: (awakened from sleep) Him: "I'm on my way. I'll be there in a little over an hour. I'll call you when I get there. Go back to sleep."

3:30 AM:
Him: "Hey."
Me: (groggy) "Where are you?"
Him: "Outside."
Me: "Well, are you coming in?"
Him: "I hope so, I'm waiting for you to unlock the door."
Me: "Didn't you leave it unlocked behind you?"
Him: "What?"
Me: "Wait, nevermind, that was something else. . .I'm coming. . ."

Oops, see in my dream, I'd already let TJ in the house, so if he was OUTSIDE now, that was NO PROBLEM of mine, he should've left the front door unlocked behind him. Oops, that was a dream.

And it occurs to me that if TJ is alone at my house with my dog and my TV and my computer and all other manner of things, he could be rifling through my stuff, or WORSE, reading my blog, casually linked to my favorites, from my Mac right now. That's against the rules, right? Like reading my diary. . .STOP READING RIGHT NOW TJ. You know who you are.

Oh whatever. Maybe if you could get inside my head, you'd see that no really, what you see is what you get. No games, no cover-ups, no facades. As Miss O and I discussed yesterday, Miss Have You's motto is "Never Wonder Where You Stand with Miss Have You: She'll Tell You."

(Plus, we already all know I'm in love with you. Doesn't take a startling bit of technological detective work to uncover that little gem.)

Pictorial Representations

5 day Miami forecast I mean, that's hysterical. Cutesy thunderstorm pic, cutesy thunderstorm pic, cutesy hurricane pic, partly sunny, cutesy scattered thunderstorms pic.

A Word from Rerbrems

So here's what Rerbrems had to say:

"I also noticed the irony of the Hurricane game being postponed because of a hurricane. I wonder if this has ever happened to any other teams? Was a Georgia game ever postponed because of a pack of bulldogs attacking fans? Or a Tech game because of a swarm of Yellow Jackets? I think the strangest would have to be a South Carolina game or an Oregon State game."

Or UC Santa Cruz.

(Not a football fan?: Gamecocks. Beavers. Banana Slugs.)

PS You didn't have an alias before right now, buddy. Ha ah ha ha ha ha ha . . .

Oh for the Love of God

Worst Hurricane Ever to Hit Florida! Never Before Two Category 4 Storms within matter of Weeks! Hurricane Frances the Monster Hurricane Primed to Ravage Florida Coast!

Maybe I'm NOT going to Miami this weekend. Maybe I'm instead packing up my dog and fleeing inland to my mother's house. TJ can come if he wants (he actually lives closer to my parents than I do).

Am I the only one who finds it wholly ironic that the Miami Hurricanes may be canceling their game on Monday on account of an ACTUAL hurricane? Serves you right for picking a highly dangerous weather condition as a mascot. . .that'll teach ya not to take this stuff seriously!! (Ok, I'm pissed and delirious for the ruination of my Labor Day plans. Just laugh with me, ok?)

(You may be asking what the guy in the uniform wears. It's not a hurricane at all, it's a fucking ibis or something.)

Serene

I'm feeling pretty serene. After our "fight" Monday, no more was said. Several friends said, "drop it, he probably heard you, he's just being a baby." I think he probably did. He just doesn't like to have his shortcomings magnified. While I did the best job I could of making my irritation known, I will try to do a better job next time of turning it away from him: as someone suggested in the comments, maybe next time I'll just say, "I think I'm pretty damn cool for being awesome about this!" Yeah!

Today on the phone, while the fight was not explicitly mentioned, he did make a comment about "Miss Have You's way not being the ONLY way," of which he frequently reminds me. I said, "Oh yes, I KNOW that well, due to your astute pointing out to me of this phenomenom." He said, "I can't be the first person to point that out to you," and I said, "No, but you might be the first person I've dated to do so. I tend to steamroll people. I don't mean to, but people don't like to stand up to me, bring up conflicting viewpoints, etc. It's just easier to let me get my way. I'm working on it, and I know you know what I'm talking about because you have the same problem. Let's face it, I'm in good company cause we can both be stubborn, overbearing asses." To this profoundly true and astute observation, I got a hearty, knowing chuckle. Guess what? He DOES hear me. And he knows it's true. We've met our respective matches, I'm afraid.

In addition to feeling much more serenely about Mr. TJ the Sometimes Ass, I have just had several good, hearty conversations with good friends the last few days. Monday it was Meg's birthday, and we chatted and caught up. Yesterday, in a FUNKY mood (not in a good, 70's theme party, kind of way, but like, profoudly irritated after some work and personal stress), I had a good chat with the heretofore blog-missed Miss Opinionated. She just always makes me feel better and knows the right thing to say. She KNOWS me better than anyone, understands my shortcomings and neuroses, and has seen me grow up, past a lot of them. She actually said, "You're the very best Miss Have You *I've* ever known, and you're just continuing to work on yourself and grow, and things are going to be fine with you and TJ. You're doing what you need to do to make the communication work and get better, and you're doing a good job." GEE THANKS! It made my day. I also chatted with the lovely Miss Issues about her beau, whom I trained through many years of friendship, to treat women well, and who sent her flowers on Tuesday. We had not chatted in quite some time and it was good to hear her upbeat and smitten with a boy.

I billed 5 hours before noon today (and pretty much none since ;-) and although Hurricane Frances is threatening my travel plans as Hurricane Charley did 3 weeks ago, I am hoping for the best. I'm supposed to go to Miami to meet the 'rents this weekend, as well as to the Miami-FSU game. Oh well, if it doesn't work out, c'est la vie, there are other games, other trips, other weekends, other days I can take off. (As long as I get to see my baby.) (What? I'm still in love with the big lug.)