Playing Fair

TJ has been ragging me for the last couple days. He's been ragging me because we went to a party on Saturday, and I drank hunch punch. It was potent. I ended up a) not entirely remembering all of the evening, and b) getting sick. I've been ragged for two days about it. I don't mind the teasing, BUT. . .the party was SKETCHY as all hell. There were strippers. They were DOING things to each other (and some of the female guests). There was the Paris Hilton video playing in all rooms. Now, my point is. . .*I* am capable of fitting in a multitude of environments, and *I* think it was pretty cool that I meshed so well with the the very very sketchy crowd that was at this very very sketchy party. I am the picture of class, and yet, I was able to go in and get down and dirty and enjoy this party and not freak out, which many women of my age, social class, and position in life would not have. I'm not trying to sound like an elitist, but. . .I mean, there were a lot of young, college-wild people there. I am a BIT past that in life. I think it was cool of me. And I'm a little sick of being ragged continually (for things I've apologized for repeatedly) without the corresponding, "Hey, I'm only teasing. It was really cool of you to go to that party with me."

So after being teased for the 800th time about getting sick/blacking out, I finally said something, like, "Hey, I know that you like to focus on that, but for just a minute, can you acknowledge that it was really really cool of me to not bat an eye at that party? I know a lot of girls who would've been really uptight about it." He doesn't get it. "Hey can I call you back, Rudy's on at the Republican convention." Sure, fine. I finish my movie. He calls me back a bit later. I ask him after a few minutes, "Hey do you remember what I said to you right before we hung up?" He doesn't. I repeat it in my most tactful, non-confrontational, I'm-making-you-aware-of-something-that-hurt-my-feelings way. He doesn't respond at first. He frequently goes into long silences. When he does speak, he just says, "Well if you had a problem with the party, you should've told me" and "if you can't handle being teased, I'm just going to stop, and I don't want to hear about how I'm not paying attention to you." I said, "That's not what I said. I didn't have a problem with the party. I just wish if you're going to tease me relentlessly about something, you could balance that out with telling me that it was really cool of me to go to the party at all." He is SO stubborn. I ask him, "Do you think it was cool?" "Well, yeah, it was cool of you to go and everything, BUT. . .you should've told me you had a problem with it/you can't handle being teased/etc. etc." whatever OFFSETS the praise.

He then proceeds to ask me if he gets praised for every nice thing he does, makes dinner, takes me out, driving back and forth to Savannah, does he expect constant praise? No. I got a little ill at this point. I said, "TJ, you'd be hard-pressed to think of a time you've taken me out or made me dinner when I didn't say thank you. Not to mention the cards I send you with my giving and loving thoughts imprinted therein, the nice things I do for you, keeping my house clean for you to come visit, changing the sheets and making other efforts to make your visit nice. I DO thank you." I then asked him, "Do you think you contribute more to this relationship than I do?" "No," he said.

What is UP with that? Why do people "fight" like that? Wait for someone to bring up something that bugs them to then "counter" with "oh yeah!? well listen to THIS shortcoming of yours." (A: cause it never REALLY bugged him, he was just looking for a handy defense.) I really tried my best to convey my thoughts in an orderly, adult way without being defensive or mean. Why do I get this, "Well I guess it was cool BUT. . .[other extraneous factors]" response? What do you guys think? Am I being unreasonable?

As a side note. I told him that I was really really trying to LISTEN more, a la yesterday's post. I said, you know, I do really know that communicating is not ALL about SAYING what *I* want, and there's more to it. I really really want to LISTEN to comprehend your needs, both what you say and what you DON'T say, so if you could help me with that, I'd really appreciate it. He said he understood and he would.

Part of me thinks he's processing and it will take a while to absorb what I said. That's fine, I don't need an immediate response. I just want to know that he HEARD what I said. And responds to it. Bottom line: I want to be appreciated somewhat roughly commensurate with being teased.

And despite the inappropriate way in which he made his desires known to me, I HEARD what he said too, i.e. I like to be appreciated too. But I just don't think he played fair in letting them be known. Again, thoughts?

Ask and You Shall Receive

Ask and you shall receive. Love in Action. Just cause he knows it makes me feel good.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimmed:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

This is an excerpt from an email he sent me this AM. It's good to know he likes me just as I am, problems and neuroses notwithstanding. That's NOT a reason not to work on them, but it is a reason to RELAX. He's so precious. Ok, shake off the mopey-ness, the guy is CRAZY about me.

Pursuant to Jen's advice, I sent him a "positive reinforcement" email in response. I actually did that BEFORE reading Jen's advice in the last comments.

The source of my neuroses

I told him I loved him after about a month. I didn't even think of the consequences. Just opened my mouth and let my heart poor out. I was fearless.

He said he wasn't ready for that, and I told him that I didn't need him to tell me how he felt about me, because I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me. I didn't need it, for probably about another month/month and a half. I felt certain I knew how he felt. But at some point, the waiting, the non-reciprocation got to me. I broke down crying one night after we made love. What's the matter? he asked. Don't you know how much I care about you? "Yes, but do you LOVE me?" I asked through my tears. We got things cleared up. He confessed that he did. And then a few weeks later, he told me for real, on his own, and was sorry that he hadn't told me before, that he'd felt that way for some time and just hadn't realized it.

We dated for another 6 months or so. I got upset once because he'd never mentioned marriage to me. I was upset that he'd never thought about marrying me. (I was 21, he was 24.) He said of course he'd thought about it. I said, you know, we're in this serious relationship, can you share these thoughts with me? I don't know what I was thinking. I was young and dumb.

He dated another 6 months or so. He told me (about 2 months before the first time he "broke up" with me) that "you and I are going to get married some day." Just out of the blue. I told him the next day it was the nicest thing he'd ever said to me. He told me "it's the truest thing I've ever said to you."

He tried to break up with me once (about 2 months later). "Why? Do you love me?" "Yes." "Well, then, baby, we can get through anything, breaking up with me is not the answer. We'll get through whatever it is that's bothering you." He broke up with me again a month or so later. He loved me, but it wasn't "right." Whatever the hell that means. I was crushed. I thought we were so great. We weren't perfect, but I loved him, and I could've done anything to make it work.

He is the reason I'm screwed up. He's the reason I can't tell my boyfriend I love him. He's the reason maybe I shouldn't tell my boyfriend I love him. I haven't felt this way about anyone since him. That includes the last boyfriend, whom I "loved" but could always do without. I never thought I would die if the last guy and I broke up. It just wasn't as strong. I feel more like I would be crushed if TJ and I broke up.

Looking back, I steamrolled him. *I* told him when he loved me. *I* told him that he should be thinking about marrying me. *I* told him we weren't breaking up. Breaking up with me finally was the one time he *ever* stood up to me. I don't want a man who lets me tell him what to do. This guy trained me to do that. I used not to express my desires. He said to me one day, "If I don't know what's wrong, I can't fix it." I took it upon myself to loudly proclaim everything I wanted from that point on, a strategy I continue to largely subscribe to. I don't ever want someone to let me down because they didn't *know* what I wanted. It will always be because *they* decided they didn't *want* to satisfy me! There's something to that, but. . .then, you're telling them what to do. I don't want to tell my guy what to do. I want him to want to do whatever makes me happy.

I want a man who wants to satisfy me not because I'm bossy and tell him explicitly, just because he reads me so well. I need to figure out how to get what I want/need without asking. And I need to figure out how to LISTEN to what he wants/needs without him having to say it. I need to get in tune with him, with me, with us. I'm going to try. I need to LISTEN. And I need to communicate. . without always talking so loud. Cause in the past, I've talked so loud, *he* (admittedly, a weaker guy) didn't know what he really wanted. And I let him lead me on to think it was me for a long time.

Through the Looking Glass

I've had "I love you" on my mind a lot. For obvious reasons. I haven't said it yet. Reasons why I don't want to:

a) When he confessed that he'd only said it to two girls, he told me that he didn't say it to the 2nd girl until almost four years in. I was shocked and dismayed. It seems pretty horrible to me that someone could be with someone that long and not know how they felt, or not express it. I've never stayed that length of time. . .well, with anyone, but I've never stayed more than a few months with someone I didn't "love" and tell them so. We had a whole tiff about it. He thought I was giving him an ultimatum. I wasn't. I don't want to hear it until he really really means it. But now it's this point of contention between us. . .

b) I don't want to hear it until he really really means it. I'm terrified of it, in fact. I want to get this overwhelming welling-up inside my chest out there in the open (it's hard for me to NOT tell people how I feel, I have this "no regrets, the world could end tomorrow" type outlook on things). But at the same time, I'm terrified of the result. He says it back? What if he doesn't? What if he does and later changes his mind? What if he doesn't mean it? What if *I* don't mean it? What if we fall apart? What if I get my heart broken? What if I get my heart broken AND become more bitter and jaded? (Spare me the, "there are no guarantees in life, just dance" stuff. I KNOW. But I'm sharing my fears with the blog anyway.)

c) I don't know if I'm ready to hear it. I'm not as afraid of saying it. I just don't know if I'm ready to hear it. My worst fear in life, I realized today on the drive back from Jacksonville, is: For someone to love me/say they love me, and for them to leave anyway/not love me enough to make a relationship with me. I don't fear being left generally. . .I mean, it always sucks to be left by someone *you* love, but I fear being left by someone who still proclaims to love me. Perhaps in that situation, he really did? But I just wasn't a good/nice enough person for him to suck it up and deal with my faults to receive all the love and respect I had to give in return? I fear not being loved just the way I am, I guess. I guess that's my greatest desire in life too. To be loved even when I screw up, despite my faults. That's the big question: Can this man love me, faults and all? And if not him, can anyone? Am I a lovable person?

I will try to remember that "I love you" is not a magical revolving door that puts me on the other side of the looking glass. "Love" is something that is proven over time and tribulations.

Help me to see "love" in his actions and show it in mine. Help me not to need the words. . .until it's time.

Oh Please Do that Voodoo Miss Have You Do So Well

Craft Project of the Week
Originally uploaded by me2insav.

Sometimes, gentlemen, your girlfriend can be the sweetest angel of a woman. And sometimes, let's face it, she's a fucking whore. I know I can be a "handful," geez, even you guys know that from reading this blog. . .so in order to cope with the times that TJ has had it up to his wit's end. . .

Now introducing, the specially designed, one of a kind, Miss Have You Voodoo Doll. Complete with awfully unshapely limbs crafted by a sewing-impaired seamstress, one of which strangely resembles club foot, mean eyes, wretched scowl, and cute little pink sundress similar to ones Miss Have You would wear. Finely crafted yarn hair the cause of vicious hot glueing injury sustained by a newly blistered Miss Have You.

Directions: When Bitch Ass Miss Have You pisses you off, insert pins. Then discuss your frustrations with the real Miss Have You. After all, you gotta love a woman who hand crafts a Voodoo Doll in her image cause she knows she can be a pain. Give her a shot, wouldya? Talk amongst yourselves.

The cutest picture EVER

TJ and Sadie
Originally uploaded by me2insav.

Geez, who wouldn't want to reproduce with this man? He even loves my dog (is it weird that I just typed "he even loves my god" TWICE there??). Um, yes, we love the same God too.

Well, I mainly just wanted an excuse to post this picture, but it's coming up the weekend and I know I have rabid blog-reading "fans." So, updates:

I've been goofing off at work. Did I mention I billed 30 hours in 3 days the first part of this week!? Even though I was home with a nasty sinus infection?!

I'm going to see TJ today. Whoopee! My mother is faux mad that his parents are getting to meet me before she gets to meet him. TJ says he's going to call her up and take her to dinner one night, whether I'm with him or not. In fact, he thinks it'll be better if I'm not, so he can get all the dirt and look at my naked baby pictures and my middle-high school "fat" pictures (ok, I added that last part, but it's true. I was fat). He says, "You think I'm kidding, but I would have NO PROBLEM doing that." I know he's not kidding. And my mother WOULD fall in love with him. All women do, including mothers and dogs, obviously.

Ok, I do have something else to add, but it will require a visual, I'll try to remember to post it at lunch. . .

Ok, You Know You Wanted a Better Look. . .

Miss Have You and TJ
Originally uploaded by me2insav.

So this is me and TJ. I think he's hot. I don't care what you guys think.

PS I know that some of you do actually KNOW me, and I can think of one person I know that reads the blog, whom I will be seeing at a shower in October (Andrew, and whomever else to whom this applies). . .DO NOT mention, "Oh yeah, I saw your picture on Miss Have You's blog." That's for ME and YOU, not TJ, to know. He knows about the blog, and I don't think he'd care that I posted his picture on my blog, but there's no need for him to have this information sprung on him in that way. Thanks for your cooperation.

Things That Have Happened Since You Last SAW me. . .

Foot Rub
Originally uploaded by me2insav.

I billed 30 hours in 3 days. I'm tired.

I went to a wedding that almost wasn't. Because it almost wasn't, the already sparse numbers of the intimate gathering dwindled further, leading the bride's mother to announce to us at breakfast Saturday that we weren't allowed to eat again until dinner, cause she'd paid a lot of money for dinner. This led me to call in reinforcements, the food-loving, ability to put it away like you wouldn't believe. . .TJ. He drove in to the rescue and endeared himself to the bride's mom (he'd already endeared himself to bride and groom by helping them move into their new place. . .incidentally, 5 blocks from mine).

The night before the wedding, I drunk dialed TJ repeatedly. He didn't seem to mind, and apparently, we had a 40 minute discussion. I remember having it, but can't at all think what we talked about for 40 minutes. Apparently, I continued to tell him that I "hearted" him and also say things like "Hey I have to tell you something. . .no, no, I can't. . ." Did you ever see SNL do "drunk girl"? That's TJ's impression of me. It makes me laugh. He said he hearts me too though. It's kind of "love" lite.

At the wedding, TJ pulled ME onto the dance floor to dance to slow, romantic songs half a dozen times. . .as well as a few fast ones.

TJ rubbed my feet at the reception, cause I was tired of dancing. The very amused photographer took a picture. (Have you SEEN it? It's above.)

TJ was very sweet, loving, and kind to me for two days, and he has continued to be totally loving to me via phone, text message, and email this week. Maybe this "new man" thing isn't such a bad thing, if his head leads him to the same place as his heart.

TJ snuck two cards into my car and luggage when I went home, one "I'm sorry I was a jerk and made you feel bad" and one "I miss you so much when we're apart, and even though we can't be together, I feel very close to you." Yes, the cards were that specific, it's a new line of insanely specific cards. He signed one "Love."

No insane crazy serious discussions this week, just "I miss you, can't wait to see you again," "what did you do today?" "guess what I heard," that kind of stuff.

Apparently, I am still going to meet his parents on the way to Miami for Labor Day. A 32-year-old man doesn't introduce a girl to his parents unless it's a big deal right?

PS How cool am I with the photo blogging? I've decided that you folks either don't know me at all and who cares if my picture is posted to the internet? Or you do know me, and you've SEEN me already! Plus, I just LOVE this picture.

Ok, NOW you've SEEN me. . .

Tiki Party Miss Have You and Sadie
Originally uploaded by me2insav.

Full frontal. This is me and the love of my life, Sadie. From the Tiki Party. Photo blogging is my new obsession!! This should make up for not having entries for 5 days!

He Loves Me, He Likes Me Not (Sometimes)

My friends have obviously been telling me for some time that things with TJ were out of control. Too fast, too much, too emotional, too intense, too serious, etc. I'll just say it: we have both clearly fallen in love with each other and let our emotions and the things we say to each other get a little out of hand. I've been aware of this. I've loved (and yet doubted) the things that TJ has said to me, the movie-like lines that people just don't say in real life. I was doubtful at first, because guys have often come on too strong too fast and then bailed just as quickly, and I asked TJ from the beginning, "Is this what you're doing?" and he's assured me, "No, not at all." And it's not. His emotions are genuine. But. . .

Things have changed. TJ, for one reason or another, has been under the mis-impression than I am a perfect angel of a woman (my God, has he SEEN me?!). He's finally figured out in the last day or two that I am not. He has decided to put his head before his heart (something he usually does, excepting with me) and figure out, methodically, whether we are *really* right for each other. This is logical process, after all. He will not be ruled by his heart anymore! When he first started saying this bullshit to me, I panicked a bit. What? I don't know how to get to a guy except to appeal to his emotions. . .will "Robot TJ" like me as much as "Crazy Psycho In Love TJ"? Hard to say. . .

So, after I panicked and coaxed and forced him to talk to me and to tell me from whence, pray, did these catharses come, he finally let it out. . .the conversation went something like this:

Him: Well, like when you said this!
Me: I didn't mean that that way. I was thinking This, instead. I apologize, I see how you could mistake that. I'll be more careful in the future. What else?
Him: What about this?
Me: I didn't explain myself very well. What I was really thinking was This. I'm sorry. No harm, no foul. What else?
Him: Yeah, and you PISSED ME OFF when you did this!
Me: Yeah, I can see how that would. No big deal. I was thinking This. I see now why that made you mad. I'll be more mindful of your point of view.
Him: That's all.
Me: Anything else?
Him: No, I'm really glad we talked. I missed going out with my friends for a good reason.
Me: I'm glad you feel that way.

So, here's the rub. He all but admitted that he was on the verge of saying "I love you" when these things came to him and he realized (shockingly enough, gasp!) that I have FAULTS. I had to laugh. You didn't know I had faults? C'mon! I've been nothing but my obnoxious self from Day 1, and I only want to be with you if you like that person! "I know, stupid right?" I said, well, so now, what are you going to do? "Evaluate the relationship on its merits and how well it works. . .use my head, it's a decision-making process." (But keep in mind, at this point, I've been so gracious about the things he HAS called to my attention. . .how could you doubt you could have a relationship with a person like that?!) So, I asked him the critical question. Even though you're not using your feelings to lead you anymore, but only your head, have your feelings changed? "I don't believe so," he said.

Now, for about half a second, I was really sad that I stopped "I love you" in its tracks. But then, I thought, "what are you, crazy?" The last thing I need is some psycho telling me he loves without being able to back that shit up and form a real, adult relationship with me. I want the action verb "love," not the feeling "love." So, I made it pretty clear that I would much rather hear that when inclinations, actions, and intentions back it up, not just that silly fluttery thing. That's great and all, and it still has a place, but I want the real deal. So now he knows, and I know, and I think we both know what we're feeling, and now it'll be great IF and WHEN I ever get to hear the real, I've-made-a-choice-to-be-with-you-long-term, "love" thing.

So, here's the FANTASTIC part. He LOVES me, he's just not sure he LIKES me. I think it's FANTASTIC. We're about to find out, peeps. . .can you love me when you don't always like me? That's the guy I'm looking for! Let's see how he does! I'm possibly on the verge of the greatest love affair ever, if this guy can fall for my charms despite me being an obnoxious brat with lots of icky, irritating faults. Bring it on, I say. THAT'S the guy I want! The guy who doesn't let me get away with shit and calls me on my shit!

PS Miss O, you'll be happy to know that I used the analogy of our friendship to explain to TJ how unfair it is to hold me to standards and criteria that he doesn't convey to me and then get mad when I don't live up. I said, you know, I do have faults, but a lot of the time, I don't realize how I'm coming off, I can modify my behavior easily, and it's not as though that behavior is the "core" of who I am. . .you're not changing me, you're communicating with me about undesirable behavior to make me a better person and one you'd rather be with.

I said that you (Miss O) had done the same thing, held me to standards I couldn't possibly know, and we had a horrible falling out, but once you realized that a) it wasn't fair, b) I actually am gracious when you bring things to my attention, and c) I am fabulous and everyone "wants me as either a friend or a fuck," we started getting along great. We now bring everything to each other's attention and hardly ever piss each other off, and when we do, it's short-lived. I said, "that's been the recipe for the best friendship I have, so I don't see why it wouldn't be the recipe for the best relationship I'll have." I know, I know, Miss O was starry-eyed with my perfection too, and didn't realize what a obnoxious and petulant monster you'd created until it was almost too late! (Luckily, TJ has started noticing my faults much earlier.)

Emotionally Exhausted

I forgive you for not knowing how to be alone. I forgive you for settling for less than you deserve. I forgive you for acting immature and dramatic because you think the alternative is too vile, although it's not. I pray that you come to realize that the person you are, alone, on your own, would be one that the "right" guy would be attracted to. . .without you shedding tears over it or putting up with BS in the meantime.

I forgive you for being a different person when you're not with me. I forgive you for inciting my own doubts and insecurities, when I strive to assuage yours. I forgive you for putting your feelings in standby until the next time you see me. I forgive you for not knowing how to put me at ease and being disinclined to, when you're in "preservation mode." I forgive you for contributing to my physical and emotional exhaustion. I forgive you for not knowing how to, or not wanting to, tell me what kind of potential you think this has or clarify your devotion. I forgive you for having doubts. I forgive you for being afraid. I wish you could feel how poignantly I feel for you and know how deeply your insecurities, doubts, and defenses cut into me.

I forgive you for leaving. I know now that's how it had to happen. I forgive you for the terror I now feel when I love someone more than I loved you. The terror that he'll leave. . .for seemingly no reason.

I forgive you for being a total ass. I forgive you for not loving me all that much. I forgive you for staying around out of comfort. I'm glad we freed each other and went on with our separate lives, and I wish you the best. I'm sorry I betrayed you, even though you may not know it.

I forgive you for not totally knowing how to be happy for me. I forgive you for projecting your own uncertainty and cynicism about your life onto mine. I know that I'm better with empathy, and because of that, I forgive you for not knowing how to mirror the happiness I conveyed to you when the shoe was on the other foot, not too long ago. (It still hurts though.)

I forgive you all for being slime. I forgive myself for not knowing any better. I pray that I have the good sense to stay away from guys like you in the future, whenever I may again find myself single and lonely.

I forgive you, particulary, for unabashedly sharing your gross predilections with your friends. I'm not particularly embarrassed, but your creepiness oozes off onto me via them when I come into contact with them. I forgive you for trying to exacerbate my shame because I turned you down.

I ask forgiveness for doing shitty things that I often regret. I ask forgiveness for beating a dead horse. I ask forgiveness for wanting to get to the bottom of all problems and tackle them immediately. I ask forgiveness for loving so much it hurts, even though I know it's hurt before and could easily again. I ask forgiveness for getting so involved, so fast, so completely. I pray that it turns out alright this time, cause this time, I think, it's for real. I pray that you guide me down the path that I'm supposed to take and that I don't exit this situation more jaded than before. I ask you to infuse me with faith and to take my fear away. I ask you to help me walk the very fine line between faith and optimism in something good and human arrogance and pride. I ask you to help me remember that it's a blessing, for which I did nothing and which was bestowed on me purely out of your grace and mercy. I pray that he accepts it as that too, not as a landmine primed to explode.

Am I a Bad Girlfriend? (read: to other girls)

I have a girlfriend here in town, and she's a really good one. She can be flighty, but never about being a girlfriend. . .she's there at the drop of a hat if you need to kick back a few drinks over a stupid boy, and she's really fun. Well, she went out with me and TJ the other night. She'd been fighting with her boyfriend all night, but finally ended up bringing him. He's irritating. She needs to break up with him. She's the type to always have someone though, and I don't mean, always have a potential. I mean, always have a boyfriend. An exclusive thing. I don't know if she knows the meaning of casual dating.

So, she gets pissed, sends the boyfriend home. He has to work early the next day. We go on to a bar, from a party. TJ and I leave the bar about 1:00 ish. Are you ok, I ask her. She shakes her head no (her way of telling me not to leave). I said, "You're fine. Call me if you need me. I'll have my cell with me." (Which I did keep by my side.) She's with lots of other people from the party we had gone to. She's drunk, but she's fine. And I've taken care of her drunk ass many a time, so I feel both qualified to make and confident in this assessment. I knew she had called her ex-boyfriend earlier. I thought there was a decent chance she might end up staying with him, but I really didn't care. The current boyfriend is on his way out, as I said. . .

Current boyfriend knocks on my door at 4 AM. Kind of freaks me out. I mean, you never know if a crackhead wandering the neighborhood is trying to find new friends. TJ jumps up, switches off the alarm (which you have to do to walk through the house) and actually arrives at the door packing heat. (Yes, I'm serious. See, when he came up, fleeing the hurricane that never hit, he brought all his important stuff, including his piece!) But he sees it's dumb boyfriend (recognizes him by his sharply protruding ears through the glass at the top of my door) and abandons the weapon. No, we haven't seen girlfriend. He's been sleeping at her house (about 5 blocks from mine) and is worried when she hasn't shown up and he has to go to work. Call me if you talk to her, we're instructed. Oh lord. I try to call her, and don't get her. I feel confident she's fine.

She calls at 7:20 AM. She's sleeping on ex-boyfriend's couch. Ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend with him. (I love girlfriend, don't get me wrong, but I find this pretty amusing from the girl who's always trying to line up the "next thing," that the "last thing" isn't available to her. She needs to learn how to just be alone. Really. And to be ok with that. She might not be in it up to her neck with current boyfriend if she hadn't jumped right into that after the thing ended with Ex. . .slightly before actually, heh-heh.) She wants me to come and get her. I said, "Girlfriend, call a cab." "You said you'd come get me if I needed you." "I meant if you were throwing up in a alley and someone was on hand available to date rape you. Your safety is not an issue here, I'm sleeping, I'm hungover, and I would really prefer not to come get you." "Ok, let me call you back in a second." I think, Ok, she gets it, I've been firm and nice about it, I don't think I'm being a bad friend here. If she were in trouble or drunk and in a place with people she didn't know, or if she's woken up with a creepy guy she wanted to sneak out on, I'd be there in a heartbeat, but this situation does not warrant my jumping to be available. She calls back. I refused to go get her. I asked her if she wanted the number to a cab company. It's tough love. I'm still not sure how she got home. . .

Boyfriend finally got ahold of her. She told him she CRASHED AT MY PLACE. "Uh, no you didn't," he says, "I was just there." Nice. This should be interesting. I do believe she slept on the couch, but again. . .she shouldnt've lied. She shouldn't be with someone she feels the need to lie to. And she shouldn't count on me to get her out of situations that she creates herself because she loves the drama. . .especially if she's not really in trouble. If she were, I would've jumped to go get her. But she wasn't. . .what do y'all think?

The Only One

So, I never told you what TJ had gone into the cave about the other day. When he FINALLY called me, at 2 AM after being out with his friends, mind you, I spent two hours trying to get to the bottom of what the problem was, why he had avoided me all day, why he'd sent me an email telling me that he didn't think that, to me, there was anything "overtly special" about him. Are you kidding me? I am completely and utterly in love with you, I wanted to say. But you can't say THAT. Yet.

Basically, TJ was upset that I've had serious boyfriends, with whom I considered marriage before. It's a long story specifically, and he's generally not an insecure guy, but he's generally not as invested in the women he dates either. He wants to be "the only one." My heart is bursting out of my chest to tell him he's the only one. Oh, my, is he SO the only one. Instead, I explained to him that my female role models were women who got married young, often to the only man they'd ever dated seriously, or after only dating a couple people (my sister is married to the only man she ever dated, for about 18 years now). I also explained that it is a woman's prerogative and genetic coding to consider marriage, often with men we'd NEVER really marry. Did I consider marrying every man I've dated seriously? Of course! Why would I continue dating him if I didn't think it had that potential? Did I exit 2/3 of those relationships once I realized it didn't have that potential? Yes. *I* ended it (in 2 out of 3 relationships). I ended it before it EVER EVEN GOT CLOSE. TJ miserably said, "But you would've said yes to three other guys." I said, "No, I thought it would eventually come to that. I was never READY for that. So, no, if I had been asked, before I was ready, I WOULDNT'VE said yes to any of these guys. I was NEVER even close to ready." I am the one who ended the relationship before it got to that point. . .precisely because that's what I DIDN'T want. (Not to mention the fact that with my last boyfriend, I moved to the city I live in, on my own, with MY job, when he didn't have one, bought my own house, on my own. . .if that doesn't scream independence and unwillingness to commit, geez, what does? Marriage wasn't looming on my horizon, peeps.) After a long conversation, I finally assuaged his fears. (And by the by, this is a conversation I thought I'd be having about the number of men I'd SLEPT with, not about the number of men I thought about MARRYING, legitimately.)

Then, promptly, the next day, when he was sober and felt better, I made him completely aware how COMPLETELY UNFAIR it was to use past relationships against me. I asked him would it be fair to be nervous about his past, not because he'd been close to marriage, but because he dated a girl for 5 years he had NO intention of marrying? I mean, if that gives a girl cause to be nervous?! I said, "Have I asked you if you're going to waste my 20s like you wasted hers? No, cause THAT'S not FAIR." He said that he thought it probably WAS fair, but I was right, he had no right to use my past relationships against me. He said, "I'm sorry. It's done. I promise. I'm satisfied. It's done."

I want to tell him really badly that I love him. But I can't. I can't for a number of reasons.

A) He's only said that to two women, and he said in retrospect, he doesn't think he meant it one of the times. I DO think he loves me. I DO think he thinks I'm "the only one." I DON'T know if he would say it back. . .immediately. . .cause I DON'T know if he's ready to. I DON'T know if I'm ready to, frankly. But I want to. I want to put all his fears to rest. But I don't know if saying it would put his fears to rest.

B) I know that countless women have professed their love to him. I don't want him to think I'm one of the giggleheaded young women who have thrown themselves at him before. I'm NOT. I'm strong and independent and I WANT him in my life because we'd make excellent partners. . .I'm not one of these girls who has decided he'd be a good "catch" and is attracted to him and his qualities on a superficial level. I'm DIFFERENT. I KNOW my heart. And I'm afraid that he doesn't think I do. I do feel like I have to prove something. . .that I'm different. And I'm afraid if I go blurting out the "L" word, I'll seem all too much like the many stupid young women who came before. . .I want him to take me seriously. . .

C) It'd be a big deal if he said it first. Considering his limited history with it. I could be waiting for a while though. And alcohol will probably intervene.

In fact, I almost said it the other night. Well, I don't know how close I REALLY came. But I kept giggling, saying I had to tell him something, and then wouldn't. I must've said it 15 times, according to his estimates. And I'm pretty sure he knows what I wouldn't say. Like, I'm 99% sure. He told me that I couldn't get mad at him for NOT responding to something that I DIDN'T say. He kept kidding me about it the next day. I told him to drop it, I was embarrassed enough as it was, and if he EVER wanted me to say it, he better shut his mouth. He got the point.

I told him I was afraid of being like every other girl, and that based on the conversation we'd had last week, I was afraid that he doubted my sincerity. I feel like if I do things a little different, perhaps he will see me differently. He told me that I WAS completely different, it wasn't even a question, and at the very least, even if all those other girls were crazy about him, I was different because of the way *he* felt about *me*, that his feelings were "commensurate" with mine.

Oh, the perils of two young people with extensive vocabularies in love.

Well, this is all SERIOUS stuff. I am a little conflicted about how to approach making my feelings known. The weekend was amazing, though. Always is. We can have the best time just doing NOTHING. We did go out one night. We stayed in two nights. I cooked dinner one night. We cooked it together last night. He spent quality time with his "other girl," my dog. She loves him and wants him to be her new daddy. It was just perfect. All the time we spent together is perfect and wonderful, even when we have little tiffs or serious conversations. It's still just great, and we work through it and come to understand each other better.

One thing did happen that I think might've made clear to him what I feel for him. And this happened BEFORE he told me his feelings were "commensurate" with mine. We have this thing where, if you don't abuse it, you can jump in and ask, at any time, what are you thinking? He did it to me yesterday, in a vulnerable, endorphine-influenced moment. I said, "Remember you said you haven't felt this way in 12 years? I was thinking that I've NEVER felt this way."

I hope it's the answer he wanted.

F%$#@%$ Hurricane Charley

. . .is preventing me from driving to Jacksonville to see TJ. Now, granted, Jacksonville is on the east coast of Florida, and Tampa, where the mother is hitting, is on the west coast, but that bitch is still going to sweep across northeast Florida and southeast Georgia tonight, and TJ said, "We'll keep on eye on the weather report, but if it looks bad, I am NOT letting you drive."

A few tears and hours later. . .

He's on his way here. I mean, he needs to evacuate ANYWAY. . .

I told him that I cried at the drop of a hat, not to let me emotionally blackmail him, and only to come if that's what's best for him. He said he did want to see me, he didn't want me to be upset, and what could he do to help save his stuff if he stayed anyway? He's packing up his photo albums/other valuables and hauling ass to Savannah.

Next time I get all psycho and uncertain, remind me that the man drove through tropical storm weather to see me one time.

The "Right" Non-Joke Answer

The votes are in: 57% of people voting (4 out of 7) think she's fat now. Thanks guys! That's the answer I hoped you'd choose.

I Don't Like It One Bit

TJ does this thing where he gets all withdrawn, sullen, and reserved. He's done it a few times. . .he did it when he had this big laborious secret weighing him down, that he knew he had to reveal to me. He did it last week when he was secretly a little pissed off that I doubted what time he'd be at the party. He talks to me on the phone. . .sort of. . .during these times, but it's sort of like pulling teeth, I have to drive the whole conversation and he doesn't volunteer a lot. He told me a couple days ago, "but even THAT'S big for me, usually, if I get pissed off at my girlfriend, I just ignore her calls and don't talk to her until I feel like it."

Well, he's doing it. I knew he was going to. After our four hour heart-to-heart last night, he even joked that he was going to do some "post-conversation analysis," to which I said, "oh geez, that means you're going to be all weird tomorrow." He's afraid that he's said too much or revealed too much, admittedly something that he's a) not used to, and b) not too terribly comfortable with. I know that he's not used to the way the walls come down with me. . .but damn, I shouldn't have to spend one day a week being shut out and wondering what the hell is going through that head of his. I told him, every time you do it, it makes me feel like you're re-evaluating your feelings for me. "Well, that's kind of irrational, isn't it?" he said. Hello? FEELINGS not always RATIONAL. Duh.

So today, it's short, terse emails. That I started. And that's he's responding to, but barely. Not the long, loving "Good Morning Beautiful" email I got yesterday. I know I'm being stupid. I know I can't get those every day. I know I'm being paranoid. Just tell me I'm being stupid. I know that he's just going to have these days and I should just get used to it. I just hate being shut out every time he feels like he's gone "too far." My inclination is just to sigh and say, "it's THAT day of the week, just give him space and ignore him til he seems happy to talk to you again." But I can't help but push and want to get in. I just emailed him, "Is there anything I can do or just back off?" We'll see what he says. Maybe he won't respond. Sigh.

Beauty Queen Super Model Ex Girlfriends

Reasons I don't live in Atlanta: the sheer impossibility of arriving at work by a semi-decent hour (9:20) if you laid in bed until 8:48 after 4 hour phone conversation with the boyfriend until 2 AM.

I found out about "the" girl last night, Ms. Twelve Years Ago. I thought it was going to be much more scandalous. It was very normal and disappointing. He loved and lost and realized he'd been an idiot to break up with her, so they got back together, but then when she broke up with him later, he realized it was for the best, she wasn't "the one" for him, and never tried to get her back, even though they still talk. Ok, well, that last part's kind of scandalous.

What's funny is, he told me about a week ago, when I took a call from my high school male friend, with whom things have always been platonic, that he had a "Grace" (as in, Will and Grace, "except I'm not gay"). And that he sort of had quit talking to her because she was always very negative and told him whenever he was dating someone, "Oh, I know you, and you're never going to commit, so why are you wasting this girl's time?" etc., things like that. I asked him, "Why would she say that? Does she have some kind of interest in you? Does she harbor feelings for you?" "Well, yeah, probably, a bit" he admitted. "Oh well duh, that's why. Of course she wants to believe you'll never committ to anyone else, if she can't have you." How very perceptive Little Miss Have You is. I put 2 and 2 together and asked last night, "Wait, is this your "Grace"?" Pause. "Yeah." I laughed. Well DUH.

And she didn't just tell him he's never going to commit. She told him that about me. She told him not to put too much stock into these feelings he was having, that she knew him and he would never commit to anyone, he was just incapable, emotionally fucked up, etc. Oh geez, I feel guilty for telling my ex similar things now. . .but I was able to uninterestedly say, "No, TJ, really. . .that sounds like some things I've said to my ex. . .and really, I just want to believe he'll never have a normal, functioning relationship because he left me, and couldn't commit to me, and I was hurt by that. . ." But TJ wasn't born yesterday, "Yeah, a) she's wrong, and if she knew the full story, all the stuff I've been doing, she'd see that this is different, and b) she's not being a very good friend to me if that's her attitude."

So, he says he doesn't talk to her that much, they'll just catch up every 5-6 months. So, on the one hand, I don't think his two-week-ago decision to not talk to her anymore is necessarily final, but on the other hand, how much of a threat can she really be? He doesn't appear to put much stock in what she says, and he pointed out that she has asked important questions and punched some holes in some of his less serious relationships (asking things like, "Are you going to marry her?" "No." "Then why are you with her?" etc.). But this time, he maintains, she's wrong. Oh well, time will tell, I guess. I hope if she pops up again 6 months from now and asks him if he's going to marry me, the answer is, "I just might" or something more assured.

He told me that he told me about her, even though he's NEVER told other girls he's dated about her, because he wants me to know he doesn't still carry a torch for her, and that although they've been friends all these years, he could've had her back at any time, and he never got back together with her. He told me that she had sort of brainwashed him into thinking there's one person out there for everyone, and he was hers, and he screwed that up, and he was the reason she can't maintain a normal relationship with a man now. . .I asked him, "Do you believe that?" "Not at all," he replied, "but she did a good job of brainwashing me for a while." I asked him, "Why didn't you ever try to get her back?" and I got the answer I wanted, "Cause she's not the one for me."

I'll end this post on an amusing note. TJ has called attention to the fact that I frequently refer to my exes by name, something he RARELY does (like, he did it ONCE). He said it sort of feels like they're still here. I said, "That's ridiculous. Some of the explicit details you give me about your exes, I could feel the same way, even if I don't know their names." So last night, he did it again, and I really don't think he sees the irony: "Well, I mean, I think a lot of my confusion and thinking that she was it for me had to do with the fact that she's a 5'11" blonde haired green-eyed Ms. Hawaiin Tropic beauty queen supermodel. . ." Ok, I'm exagerating only but slightly.

I said, "Can't she be a 5'2" fat stumpy girl?"
"I wouldn't have dated a girl like that, Miss Have You."
"Can't she at least be less pretty than me?"
"She is."
"Good answer."
"No really. Makeup and lighting does a lot for models. You look beautiful even first thing in the morning with fraggle hair."

Things I Love about TJ

1. He LOVES my dog. Plays with her more than me. I was getting ready to go out to dinner last night and caught him darting in and out of rooms, hiding behind doors, and playing hide and seek with her. It was HILARIOUS. She fell asleep in his lap last night and was very put out when we got up to go to bed.

2. He's big. Like way big. Like, in good shape, but very broad shoulders, big arms, picks me up VERY easily. We were actually laying in bed the other day, me on top of him (minds out of the gutter), and he put his hands on my pelvic bone and lifted me above the bed (think the leap in Dirty Dancing that they practice in the water, except from a prone position, not standing). I am not a small girl. Not big, but not small. He makes me feel like a damn rag doll. I love it.

3. He's got spiky hair, like a frat boy. But it doesn't look stupid. Really.

4. He thinks I'm beautiful. Tells me all the time.

5. He holds my hand in public. At almost all times, especially when walking. He is very publicly affectionate; one never wonders, Are they together? We are TOGETHER. Touching, kissing, body language, etc.

6. I have a special ring tone. And our picture is the "wallpaper" on his camera phone. I inspire techno geekiness from him.

7. He likes a lot of the same music I do and burns cute little CDs with songs that remind him of me. Some of the songs are cheesy love songs that only 14-year-old girls (and me, shamefully)would like. I squealed like a 14-year-old girl when he played said CD for me. He is burning me a copy of "our" CD.

8. Despite 7, he is a big strong masculine guy full of confident machismo. The fact that I cause him to do things like 7 only reinforces my idea that he is heads-over-heels for me.

9. He is totally metrosexual. I LOVE that. I think is it ok and desirable for men to exfoliate, use moisturizer, product in their hair, pluck eyebrows, and be vain and look in the mirror a lot. Chances are, if you do so, you are HOT. He is HOT, and deserves to admire the result of his impeccable grooming.

10. We have fun doing absolutely NOTHING together. Or reading the dictionary, looking up fun new words. Yes, we really did that this weekend. We are word-loving geeks. He is the best-looking geek I have ever seen, and it's really not fair for someone that smart to be in a body like that.

Quiz Etiquette

To the person or persons who picked: I just pass a note, will you go with me? I want to be a spinster with 12 cats, Do the Goats on my Parent's Farm Count (for saying "I love you") and You really think you could be in love with flowers guy, are you crazy? as answers on my quizzes, I don't appreciate you screwing up my highly scientific surveys by picking the "joke" answer. Please stop that, and be honest in your answers.

Tiki Party, Grass Skirts, and that Four Letter Word

Tiki Party BBQ highlights: started drinking very potent hunch punch at 8:30 on the dot. Was drunk by 9:00. Greeted the first 15 of my guests fairly sober. Greeted the next 15. . .well, let's say that it took a stretch to remember WHO those 15 guests WERE the next day.

Apparently told one of my partner's wives, "Nice to meet you" even though what I meant was "Nice to see you again." She responded that I'd met her like 3 times before (which is NOT true, only once). But I could've made a faux pas like that sober. (Think about when the waitress says enjoy your food and you say, "You too" even though it doesn't apply.)

TJ called at 8:30 and told me he was just leaving town (2 hours away). I was very mature about it, although he expected and tried to goad me into throwing a fit. I told him that I was disappointed, but I knew he did his best, and throwing a fit wouldn't get him there any sooner. (It was hard, but frankly, I had throwing a party to worry about.) He called again around 9:30 and said he was stuck in a traffic jam. "Just get here as soon as you can," I said. He showed up in my backyard, through the back gate, about 3 minutes after that. Liar. So, he got there in plenty of time. (Note to self: stop doubting him.)

That same partner said, first thing, to TJ: "So I hear you're moving to Savannah." "No, not that I know of," he replies. "Well, Miss Have You can't leave Savannah, she's too good a lawyer." I told TJ later that they were afraid he was going to take me away from them. I did NOT add, "And they're damn skippy I would burn rubber out of this place in a heartbeat if you wanted me to go ANYWHERE with you."

My dog wore her lei and grass skirt ensemble that matched mine. It was PRECIOUS. My guests either wilfully or just negligently let her get into some hunch punch, several times. My friend told me this morning that she was walking in circles and dragging her feet strangely a few times. Luckily, she also had a few burgers to absorb some of her drunkenness. I'm such a bad mom. Whatever, she seems fine. SHE never threw up, to my knowledge. I did, although I don't remember. So there, TJ's seen me throw up. . .and still thinks I'm sexy. He also took care of me, gave me water, tucked me in, and then cleaned up around the house before he came to bed.

He also went to get me Chick Fil A biscuits to absorb the evil hunch punch the next morning. We then proceeded to do nothing for approximately 48 hours, except sleep, eat, watch back episodes of Nip/Tuck, harass my dog (in a fun way which she seemed to love), talk, etc. We left the house 3 times. Grocery store, Saturday night, to get ingredients for fabulous french onion soup that he made. Sunday morning, we went to mass. (Yes, I entered a church. Twice in 2 weeks.) Sunday evening, we went to a pizza joint. Ran into some friends there, including Nemesis, who I am positive is green with envy over my hot, funny, smart, and did I mention hot? boyfriend. He even KNOWS she's my nemesis. "That's your nemesis, right?" he said. I love him. He gets me.

He did ask me, "Have you ever had a relationship move this fast?" I said, "Once, sort of. . .I mean, it kind of started off like this, we were hanging out all the time, couldn't get enough of each other, that kind of thing. . .similarly, anyway. What about you?" "Only once," he said. "How long did you date her?" I asked him. "About a year and a half." (Same as me with my guy, Mr. Big.) "Oh, we have a lot in common, TJ," I said.

This girl from his past. . .they broke up 12 years ago, more or less, and he's basically told me that he never thought he'd feel this way again. I guess maybe other women would feel jealous, but I don't. . .I mean, I have my past "love" that I just a month ago lamented on this blog that I'd never find someone as good as, again. I think he and I are very very similar in that regard. Have very very similar feelings from the past. It didn't work out for whatever reason and it's past. . .but in each other. . .there might be a way to recapture that. I don't mean to compare TOO MUCH, I know he's not Mr. Big (nor do I want him to be! That guy HURT me), but it's the best relationship I've had since then. . .I wasn't looking for it, I didn't think I was ready for it. . .but it's here, and I never want him to go away.

I know I've been retarded and delusional re: relationships on this blog, but it's different this time. And in the past, I figured it out real quick when these guys didn't bear out my expectations. But TJ bears out EVERY expectation, several times over. I love this man. That damn four letter word! Don't get me wrong, if he hurts me, I will throw up every defense, become more jaded, and move on to more disposable guys. . .but if he continues to bear out my every hope, desire, and dream, I could move to the "action" phase of love very very easily. And I feel pretty sure he's there too.

I cannot WAIT to get out of here. . .

2:07 PM.
Number of hours left til my fabulous Tiki Party BBQ: 6 hours, 23 minutes.
Number of people responded yes to the evite: 24.
Number of others I know/suspect are coming: 10.
Number of hamburger patties in my fridge: 32.
Number of hot dogs: 10.
Number of non-professionally cleaned (so sort of ganked up) vermillion snapper in the fridge from our firm fishing trip yesterday: ??
Number of liters of alcohol in my special hunch punch: 3.5
Number of tiki torches lining the backyard: 6
Number of grass skirts being worn by house residents: 2 (me and Sadie)
Number of times I asked TJ his ETA: At least once a day since Monday.
Number of times I had to get pissy to get an answer because he doesn't seem to think making his plans very clear to me is necessary: 1.5
Number of times I felt bad for being pissy and apologized: 2-3
Number of times he told me no apology necessary: 2-3
Reason he didn't seem to think making plans very clear was necessary: Because he keeps promises, and he shows up where he says he'll be.
Number of "free passes" I get on doubting him because men have treated me poorly in the past: ?? (He seems to be giving me free passes for now, at least.)

Look, our first tiff. Relatively unscathed. He actually said, "You're right, my bad, I'll be more clear next time." I didn't know what to do when he didn't argue with me. It's going to be hard to nag someone who usually does what you want and what's expected of him. Note to self: THEN STOP NAGGING. Hey, that's nice, maybe I won't HAVE TO anymore.

Maybe he will be good enough to me that I'll be able to be the person I want to be, my "best" person. . .I can stop being the irritating bossy nag that X brought out in me.

Tier Theory: The Story Behind TJ

Miss O and I came up with a theory while in law school. It came about mainly as a result of a friend of my X, who would occasionally go out with us. Mr. T was short, shorter than me in heels, and he had a sort-of cute, boyish face, but not "handsome." He was blonde and blue-eyed, I think, and he had a good personality. I liked him. But inevitably, we would go out, I would pick out a cute girl, of about equal cuteness I would feel, and point out, "Hey why don't you talk to that girl?" Only to be told, "No, she's not really my type, I like THAT girl," wherein Mr. T would point to a 5'11" supermodel redhead goddess who he could never, ever, ever get. It started me to thinking. Why don't people understand who is and is not out of their league? Why don't people "get" how attractive they are and who's equivalently attractive? Why don't people understand that you MUST date within your attractiveness "tier"? Why did Miss O and I have to come up with a whole theory to explain this? (A: Because it's hilarious.)

Caveat: one can possibly be raised (or lowered) a tier based on abstract factors like personality or sense of humor. I have definitely had guys become less attractive as they opened their mouths, and vice versa. But by and large, Tier Theory is a PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS theory. Pretty couples travel in pairs for a reason. And if you're shooting too high above your "tier," (aka "tier jumping"), it's offensive for a number of reasons.

a) You're cheating the people who are actually in your tier out of the opportunity to date people who are tier appropriate. They then have to go down a tier. No one wants to tier downgrade.
b) It's arrogant. Why SHOULD you be able to get that ridiculous hot chick? YOU'RE not hot. What ENTITLES you to be able to get HOT people?

My "nemesis" does not know her tier. Hence, why she says things like, "Well, I really liked this guy, but just my luck, Miss Have You already met him." No, Nemesis, it has nothing to do with the fact that *I* already met him, more to do with the fact that I'm in his tier (or more likely, above it), and you're NOT. She doesn't know her tier. She couldn't get these guys regardless of whether I was foiling her plans or not.

You really should just adjust your meter of what's attractive to you based on how attractive you are. Shoot for what's attainable. I've found that as I get hotter and hotter, my ability to attract better-looking guys skyrockets, plus, my threshold for accepting less good-looking guys becomes less. But if I ballooned up and gained 50 pounds. . .guess what? I'd feel damn fortunate to get what to me, now, seems a tier downgrade.

Some of this is said tongue-in-cheek, but in all seriousness, I consider that people should generally date people who are in their tier. You don't go out with your hot friend, only to have him pick Diana Dowdy out at the bar. He picks out Sheena SuperHot. That doesn't mean YOU should. Know your tier. Know it well.

TJ, my monicker for the boyfriend, stands for Tier Jumper. I explained this theory to him on the phone before we ever met, thought he would think me unacceptably bitchy, but he found my theory both humorous and accurate. And now he always says he's tier-jumping. Let me assure you, I am pretty well convinced that every man before him was. . .but he is NOT. But it's great that he thinks so much of me that he thinks he is.

Sometimes I Work

And it's keycites like this that make it all worthwhile:

"That defendant had knowingly admitted an intoxicated person into its motion picture theater did not put defendant upon "notice" that an intoxicated person might reasonably be expected to vomit on the theater floor so as to entitle a patron to recover for injuries sustained by a fall caused by slipping upon the vomitus. Code, § 105-401. United Theatre Enterprises v. Carpenter, 1942, 68 Ga.App. 438, 23 S.E.2d 189. Theaters And Shows 6(12)"

She's Got to Be Somebody's Baby

Well. . .we had sort of already had the conversation. . .sort of. It was out there that neither of us was really dating or wanting to date anyone else. . .and I have to say, both of us were acting in sort of proprietary ways towards each other. (Hey, you'd act proprietary too if some 18-year-old in his class was following him around like a puppy, asking him to explain things to her, and wanting to have "study dates.") Well, I mean, as I said, I DON'T want to date anyone else. This guy treats me like gold and I'm completely falling for him. It's not just the flowers. . .it's a bunch of stuff that I haven't revealed on the blog. Everything he says, and everything he does that backs up what he says, leads me to believe that I am not letting this one get away, and I'd be a fool to do so.

So. . .in true 8th grade fashion, the question was posed last night: "So, you know, if I'm talking about you to someone. . .how should I refer to you? Is it going to be ok if I use the "G" word?" Pause. "Yeah, you can use the "G" word. Are you sure that's what YOU want?" "Um, let me think: YEAH." I went on to explain that the B word, since the last one, and until him, had been a four letter word. He replied, "Well, now it's a three letter word." (His name is three letters long.)

By the way, on May 9, on this blog, I said:

"I just have to continue to handle myself well, and NEVER EVER continue talking to a boy who is not making a legitimate effort to date me, really date me, call me up and ask me on dates. I am done with that. And 8 boys are better than one, which is why BOYFRIEND is not in my near future. The next man I call that will have to be one that I am head-over-heels for and can really see myself with for some time in the future. And more importantly, he will be head-over-heels for me. Cause that's what I want and deserve, and I'm willing to wait for it."

I would say I'm eating my words. . .but. . .I have EXACTLY what I said I would need to start using that hated monicker.

But the really important question: Non-Girlfriend, do you still like me?

Who Reads. . .?

Inspired by a few comments from people I'd never heard of, and some interesting new addresses on the site meter. . .now, finally, I want to know:

Who Reads this Blog?

People in Glass Closets Shouldn't Throw Skeletons

Secrets. Everyone has them. Everyone has those things that no one knows, or only their closest, best friend knows. Or their closest 10 friends know, if you're me. When you're in a new relationship, there are things that are going to come out. For instance, for me, the fact that my brothers are gay. I'M not ashamed of it. I couldn't be with anyone who was. I tend to reveal that pretty quickly because I want to gauge the reaction. But then there are the really personal things. The illegitimate children. The ex-wife. The fact that you used to be a prostitute. A propensity for group sex. Six Toes on One Foot. A sexually violent past. Whether you've cheated. Bestiality for kicks. A third nipple. Things like that. (These examples are deliberately facetious, but please don't let the laughter obscure the message.)

There's a scene in the movie Donnie Darko where Jake Gyllenhaal's new girlfriend tells him that her stepdad has emotional problems, to which he joyously replies, "Oh me too! What kind does he have!?" There is something inherently relieving and satisfying to hear that you're not the only one with skeletons in your closet. To hear that not only does your partner have them, but actually has a counterpart skeleton that is a mirror image of the one that you've been struggling with how to reveal.

TJ has been keeping himself up at night trying to figure out how to tell me something. For weeks, he's slept poorly. For the last week, he's hardly slept at all. I knew something was bugging him, but I thought it was the terror of a new relationship, one in which you quickly become accustomed to the thought that you like this person far more than average. . .I thought he was just terrified of liking me too much (indeed, he'd told me as much). However, he was more terrified of what would happen once he told me his secret. After staring at me with a long silence for what seemed interminable, after me pulling away from him and asking him, "You don't want to see me anymore, do you?" for fear of the look on his face, he finally told me what's been eating him up for weeks now.

Would you believe it? I have that skeleton too.

He finally slept.